If I have learned anything this past year…I have been way too busy.
A year ago, this month, I resigned from my church position at my former church where my parents pastor. A year ago I felt lost looking for what I was made to do. A year ago I was desperate, had a bad attitude, disappointed, frustrated, and an array of other emotions.
A year ago, I was humbled.
You see, when September of last year rolled around, I was without a home church, without a career, I was only a barista, struggling to pay rent and barely able to pay bills. I had no direction. I had no idea what the next few months, or even year would look like. Part of the purpose of me resigning from a secure job was that I was certain I was about to hired at a job in FL, where they ended up hiring within the department, thus not hiring me. Before finding out that I did not get the job officially, I had already put in my resignation at my church. So two weeks after my resignation was in effect, I found out that the University went another direction. I was frustrated, saddened, and honestly mad. I couldn’t understand why God led me to resign from my position and not give me the job I wanted.
Yeah, because we always know best, right?
One of the most humbling experiences for me took place over the course of the 3 months to follow my resignation. I had to move out of my apartment which I loved. I had to move back in with my parents after having lived on my own for a few years. I was applying to jobs seemingly every free moment I had with hopes of, at least, an interview. Nothing. Nada. Zip. By the time December came, I had received nearly 100 job rejection letters, emails, or calls, not counting all the jobs I didn’t hear back from. To make it worse, I got into my first car accident [as the driver] when a 90 year old lady drove into me causing nearly $800 of damage. The crazy thing about the accident is that it happened on my way home from the church I was attending, only an hour or so after I had been convicted about my lack of faith in God’s direction for my life. I admit, my faith was still present, but most certainly was struggling. I finally decided, through conviction of my attitude and faith, that I was not trusting God and I desperately needed to let Him make things happen. That has become my anthem these past 8 or 9 months:
let him make things happen….
Within two weeks of my accident, a friend called me with an offer to work at his church during the transition of leadership. I knew God opened a door, despite my not necessarily wanting to walk through it. But I did anyway, and I have yet to regret that decision. During this whole year thus far, I have helped lead The Warehouse, a place for teens to come out, have community, have tons of fun, while learning about Jesus. Who knew that a prayer prayed long ago (that story is for another time) could be answered in a simple yes to fill in a role at a church. I have preached in services, done Sunday school, helped with events, connected with 50+ students and been able to learn from a youth leadership team unlike any I have ever seen. I have learned, not mastered, working with special needs students and with that my patience has grown exponentially. Aside from living almost an hour away from this church, I love it. The drives to and from church have become, most of the time, a time for prayer and thinking. But with the church and the busyness it added to my already busy schedule, has been a part of something to learn from about myself.
I like being busy. I know myself…If I have nothing to do, I’ll do nothing. So when I could work 40 hours a week as a barista and 20+ hours at the church not to mention side work with non-profit or other ministry commitments, my schedule has been packed. I have lacked a social life. I have (for a long time) lack a dating life. My sleep schedule is so completely thrown off. My workout schedule has become something that has dropped severely on my priority list. I can feel in my body the exhaustion of my life this past year. I can feel it physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. About a month and a half ago, I was told something by a guest pastor that has changed my thinking….I realized something that kind of broke my heart a little. I had become too busy for God and what he was wanting to do. I had allowed the blessing of working at this church become my focus, and not thinking that this church was one facet of my story. One chapter had become the whole. I was told by this pastor “Don’t be too busy that you miss what God is already doing” (paired with specifics on what’s been going on in my life). That felt like a knife to my heart because I knew it was true. I knew he spoke truth, despite not knowing me at all or understanding my situation. But he was completely right. Somewhere along the path this past 8 months, I had allowed my schedule and jobs to dictate my calling and direction for my life, rather than allowing my relationship with God and prayer life dictate and direct my life. I was missing something. I very easily could have missed what God was doing.
So here I am, almost one year from my resigning from my former church, about to embark on the next step of transition: back to square one. This time, my attitude is better. This time, I know that anything that happens, God gets the credit, not me. This time, I know to be true that God has not forgotten my desires or passions nor my talents. I am learning to take a step back and allow myself to rest. I am learning to not be so consumed with a busy schedule that I’m lacking in spending some time in peace and quiet reading the Bible, learning God’s heart for things, praying, and journaling. Heck, I have even written a blog in 3 months (that’d probably explain the length of this blog).
Though this past year has taught me so much, I know that it is not in vain. I can’t change my apathy or laziness physically or spiritually the past few months, but I can change everything now. Yes, I love the church I’ve been at and I genuinely love working at Starbucks. I love the non-profits I’m a part of and I love my young adult group. But there has to be balance, otherwise you’re just filling your life with chaos and noise and appointments, disguising the voice of God in the midst. My challenge to you, as speaking from someone who has been painfully humbled through this year, don’t get yourself so busy that you’re forgetting and missing out on what God is doing. Its not even about what He will do, but what is also doing currently. Don’t let your job, ministry, other commitments, even your family, hinder your time with God. Don’t let anything mess that up, because if you distract yourself from your relationship with God, everything else can and will be affected. Allow for time within your busyness to spend adequate time in prayer and reading the Bible, and listening for what God might be teaching or showing you now. Sometimes, we just need some silence. Sometimes we just need some peace. Sometimes, we just need to, in the midst of chaos, find the one constant that is always and will always be present.
I don’t know what the next part of my story holds, but I know one thing for certain: I want God to make it happen and bring me along.