I am going to be vulnerable in this post. Let’s be honest, if you have ever read any of my posts, you know I am pretty candid. I recently had a moment of really bad and even incorrect perspective. A dear friend of mine, that I served as a bridesmaid for, posted her wedding photos online. The wedding was a few months ago. I felt glamorous the day of the wedding despite some dress malfunctions. At the same time, personally I was going through some really rough things, all of which I tried to keep from the bride so not to worry her during the wedding week. I was in a wedding and visiting home single after a rough breakup with the man I had started to plan my life with. Financially I was hit with a few rough things. Physically, I was struggling with the dress just not fitting right because my body decided to do its own thing despite my efforts. Outwardly, I felt glamorous…like 1950s classic glamor. Inwardly, I was struggling to hold myself together. Before you ask, that bride and I discussed this after the wedding. I was honest with her in my struggle. Since that week, three months ago, I’ve slowly but surely been recovering from the many things I was facing during that week. None of those problems have been completely fixed, but God has most certainly been bringing healing to my broken heart, discipline to my lifestyle in areas needed, financial breakthrough in areas of worry. Then I saw the pictures and those feelings came rushing back in force. It was actually only two of the pictures. Two pictures that, in my opinion, were bad angles paired with a dress that didn’t fit right and some resurfaced self-image issues. In those two pictures my arms and face looked fat, I look easily 30-40 pounds heavier than I actually am, my smile was weird (I was unfortunately faking a lot of my smiles that week due to my being emotionally a wreck yet trying to be solid and strong for my friend). My tan lines were showing. My hair looked like a bird’s nest. Those pictures brought back to me the terrible feelings I was struggling with not just that week, but the last 6 months. Those pictures were a reminder for me of the many times I have faked a smile so people wouldn’t ask me if I was okay which prevented me from crying. Those pictures were a reminder for me of the fact that I was single at that wedding without the date I was planning on showing off to my friends because we were wanting to get married. Those pictures were a reminder that there are still days that I feel like I’m getting nowhere with weight control/loss, strength training, and overall being healthy. Those pictures were a reminder for me of the many many lies that the devil (who I absolutely, wholeheartedly believe is real) has been telling me since my breakup. Those pictures were all encompassing of every flaw I see in myself, every bit of hurt, every bit of heartache, every bit of doubt, every moment I battled the feelings of rejection. Every tear, every hurt, every lie.
Its the wrong perspective. The Devil loves helping you see things with poor vision and bad perspective. Sometimes our vision can be skewed by whatever we face and we forget the truth.
Honestly it is probably more than just sometimes. We need a reminder of something else, something greater, something far better than we can imagine. There is no denying that crap happens that we cannot control. After seeing those pictures, I was struggling a bit, feeling as though everything was so fresh and raw again. I finally sat and prayed that night and the next morning…for so many things. I reached out to a few friends. I got some advice I needed, some I didn’t. But I definitely got prayer. After having some time praying, my prayer on Thanksgiving morning was to really embrace everything God has for me. To be the woman he has created me to be. I was reminded that morning to ignore the lies that devil whispers and to listen to God’s voice. I was reminded that God has redeemed me and everything the Devil likes to bring up against me. I was reminded that we can choose to view things as destructive and continue to let them have a hold on us. I was reminded that I am my own worst critic; I am a perfectionist and I think OCD as well. Those two pictures were not perfect. They are ones I don’t want to see on a wall anywhere. But what was funny, later in the day, the bride posted a few more pictures, this time, I felt differently. The angles were better, I felt like I looked beautiful. It was redeeming. For me, it was God’s way of affirming his deep love for me. It was the same dress, same location, same photographer. Basically everything was the same, I just felt better about those pictures. You may be reading this and think its stupid, and thats fine. For me, it was a big deal. I re-gained the right perspective in a way that I was able to see myself in a better light. I was able to see past everything I had felt that week, and the last 6 months, and see myself through fresh eyes. Though it was as if my vision was only blurry temporarily, my vision now is ever clear.
Whatever you face, whatever your struggle, allow God to be alongside you. His whisper will drown out the Devil’s. His voice will overreach the other noises. He will show you his plans for your life. He will restore and redeem you not only from your past, but from yourself. Like I said, we are often our own worst offender. He will give us eyes to see everything in not just a new way, but his way.