The life I want.

I had a moment today, and for many, that moment wouldn’t matter. My car window broke. The motor needs to be replaced. Seems simple right? Not for me. Since August, I have replaced 2 [soon to be 3] windows in my car for the same reason. I have fixed broken front brakes, an 02 sensor, wiper fluid tank, and other small things. It has not been cheap. So today, when my window broke as I was leaving the church, it was another moment where I realized something in my life…

My window breaking was a reminder for me that I don’t have the life I want. It was a reminder of my lack of a job that is financial stablizing. It was a reminder of my many many job rejections I have received this past year. It was a reminder of my lack of a husband. It was a reminder of my uncertainty in my life. It was a reminder of not being in a place I want, figuratively or actually.

Then I realized something else. The life I want…what does that even mean? Its selfish. Its prideful. Its arrogant. Its Independent. Its me-centered. The life I actually want is a life that honors God whether the circumstances around me are good or likable. The life I actually want is one that is full of joy and not temporary happiness. The life I actually want is one that lives on even when bad things, annoying things, painful things happen.  The life I actually want is one full of passion, love, compassion, joy, faith, and more, doing my very best for Him. The life I actually want is one not about me.

Yes, a broken window today brought on this thinking, but the year I have had, has been one that is full of a lot of reasons to quit, be angry, dwell in disappointment, and to just forget about what God thinks about it all. The life I want doesn’t matter if the life he wants is disregarded. God knows me more than I can fathom. He knows my desires and dreams. He knows the things that are seemingly insignificant to anyone else. He knows the big things. He knows my need for a job, desire for a godly husband, wish to move out, and the longing of my heart to show the world his love. He knows… yet one window breaking and for a brief moment, I thought about my lack. God has been more than faithful.  I want the life that God wants for me, and I trust that it will be a life worth living.

Bless the LORD oh my soul

Needed to be reminded of this… as my family faces struggle and new experiences, both painful and birthing faith, I know this: God is worth my worship. He will get us through.

beyond the mundane

I cannot even begin to express how much this song has become my anthem. If you haven’t heard it take a moment and listen to the link I posted. Its a cover of my friend singing 10,000 Reasons…

I feel as though I am in a place where my faith is surely being stretched and, many times, my flesh wanting to quit. This has become an often reoccurring feeling. To just be done… with all of it. I know in the grand scheme of things looking at the problems other people have, I still have it pretty good- but that does not negate the difficulty I am facing. For the past two months specifically I cannot even begin to tell you how badly my finances have become because of mis-charges on my account, extra charging of my account, increase of ALL of my loan payments, etc. Yeah not huge…

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