The life I want.

I had a moment today, and for many, that moment wouldn’t matter. My car window broke. The motor needs to be replaced. Seems simple right? Not for me. Since August, I have replaced 2 [soon to be 3] windows in my car for the same reason. I have fixed broken front brakes, an 02 sensor, wiper fluid tank, and other small things. It has not been cheap. So today, when my window broke as I was leaving the church, it was another moment where I realized something in my life…

My window breaking was a reminder for me that I don’t have the life I want. It was a reminder of my lack of a job that is financial stablizing. It was a reminder of my many many job rejections I have received this past year. It was a reminder of my lack of a husband. It was a reminder of my uncertainty in my life. It was a reminder of not being in a place I want, figuratively or actually.

Then I realized something else. The life I want…what does that even mean? Its selfish. Its prideful. Its arrogant. Its Independent. Its me-centered. The life I actually want is a life that honors God whether the circumstances around me are good or likable. The life I actually want is one that is full of joy and not temporary happiness. The life I actually want is one that lives on even when bad things, annoying things, painful things happen.  The life I actually want is one full of passion, love, compassion, joy, faith, and more, doing my very best for Him. The life I actually want is one not about me.

Yes, a broken window today brought on this thinking, but the year I have had, has been one that is full of a lot of reasons to quit, be angry, dwell in disappointment, and to just forget about what God thinks about it all. The life I want doesn’t matter if the life he wants is disregarded. God knows me more than I can fathom. He knows my desires and dreams. He knows the things that are seemingly insignificant to anyone else. He knows the big things. He knows my need for a job, desire for a godly husband, wish to move out, and the longing of my heart to show the world his love. He knows… yet one window breaking and for a brief moment, I thought about my lack. God has been more than faithful.  I want the life that God wants for me, and I trust that it will be a life worth living.