My Scarlet Letter.

I came across this old post that I wrote years ago…in 2008 to be exact. A lot had happened in that year and the years leading up to it. Most of this blogpost listed below still is not the same. But to clarify… I am not that same girl. With God’s love and grace in my life, redemption has been made. I am not some insecure girl dying for her rescuer. I am not in need of rescue. I am not wounded. Yes, I have scars, but I am not wounded. God has shown me who he has made me and I am not defined by my past. I will say this: I still long for a man- the one that I believe God is preparing me for and he for I to come and romance and woo my heart. I do want that guaranteed and this time I refuse to settle for less. Read this blog below knowing that it was written out of brokenness, pain, heartache, and hurt. Know that I am made new in Christ and have been made stronger.

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I am a broken girl full of insecurities. I hate being short because often I feel inadequate, especially when I am constantly made fun of. I don’t find myself very attractive some times. But then I carry a strange arrogance about my appearance. I am not sure how the two go together. I feel like I am fat [like a typical girl] but usually only when I am around really skinny people. I work out a lot to avoid gaining weight-but overall I am in good shape. I never know who my real friends are. They seem to change often. But more than anything I am afraid…no petrified of marriage and intimacy on every level. My greatest fear is betrayal by my husband. So far my luck with guys staying faithful remains a failure. I do not have much confidence in guys….it will probably take a long to get over it. I forgive the guys about the past, yet my heart is still in broken pieces. They broke it without a thought as to what it did to me. It is my scarlet letter…not what I did but what they did to me. I am forever marked as a girl who is hopeless. Anger has been shut up in my bones.

Because of them, I lack trust in every male. Will I ever get married? Because no guy I have ever dated remained faithful, or even gave me the time I feel I deserved, I am terrified of marriage because I feel I am doomed for failure. This fear haunts me. Forever? I want to be enough. I want to be worth it for a guy to truly romance me, to love me, to cherish me, to yearn for me. He will long for me and kiss me and just want to lay in his arms. He’ll love me no matter what.  To him, I will be beautiful and no other girl compares to me.  He will choose me. This time I will not be second choice. I will not be a rebound. I will not be an excuse or a way out. He will choose me…first. That is what I hope for. But I am a hopeless romantic. Every where I go, I wear a mask of confidence. a masquerade. a facade. That’s all it is. My broken smile gleams but waiting for someone to see…to see me. The real me. I want to be known, but I am always guarded. I want a man that can find a way to get through the walls, without penetrating me in pain. I want to be captivated. But I even want more than that. Dreams fill my head. My soul wants to dance, but everything is frozen. I want to be. I want to go. I want to become who God has made me. I am so sick of this pain of pathetic weak guys who have labeled me. They gave me the idea of being less than enough. Innocence lost. Lies. Deceit. Manipulation. The empty words. The broken promises…I refuse to hear anymore. My arm is already labeled with this past. One day a real man, a warrior, will capture me, romance me, and make me the beauty of his world. At least that is my dream. Until then, I am trying to remove this scarlet letter from my arm. It is painful.

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