Beautifully terrifying.

It has been hard lately to write what I am thinking and feeling about where I am in life. Very hard. To narrow down the scope of what is circulating in my head would be an injustice because there is simply too much. I feel as though I am waiting, in great expectation, for something, not only unknown, but different than where I am now. I am on the verge of something that I cannot actually comprehend or grasp. I am at a time in my life where I am hitting pillars, things that I will always remember. I am not only a college graduate, I will be done my Masters Degree thesis paper in a matter  of weeks. I hit my first year mark in full-time ministry earlier this month. Other opportunities for ministry are coming, and for once in my life, I actually have the chance to take them. I feel like for two years God has me waiting for some things to change. For me to mature spiritually. For me to finish my Masters. For me to be content with singleness, however long that lasts. For me to invest in things financially because, right now, I can. But more than anything…to not be afraid to dream.

I guess what I am trying to say is that in this time of waiting, I have begun the preparations for the next season of my life. God has been stirring in my heart so many things that I can barely contain them. All I want is to serve and honor him with my life. All I want is to be…be present. In him. Be present in his purpose for me. Be present in where he has me now while preparing for where he has me going. All I want is to love him with the deepest parts of my being. No shame. No holding back. God has been stirring in me to really serve him. Relentlessly. To crave him. To pursue him. Its a call to hold myself to an even higher standard. With that, I feel like I have been more distant lately. More contemplative. I have been more desperate to know his heart, to really know him. I have been challenged to invest in other people. To love my neighbor…to love my enemies…to love. I feel like God is moving in me in a way that is new and different and exciting yet terrifying all the same. 

I wish I could make sense of this transition from waiting to preparing. I pray that God continues to lead me. I know, without any doubt, that God is doing something in my life far beyond my expectation. I can plan and prepare all I want. I can have desires. I can even have dreams, but if those are separate from God, they will fail. I need to be obedient to God and where he has me now, while praying and preparing for what is next, whenever “next” begins. We are but naive fools to think we are able to help further along the timing of God’s plans for our lives. Sometimes its just hard to wait. But he helps us prepare in the waiting, the transition and the follow through. I see where I have been, where I am now, and where God is leading. Its both beautiful and terrifying and utterly worth it all. 

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