I’ve been thinking about this concept of toxicity for a few solid days now. I have realized how other things affect my attitude, my spirit, my emotions… my everything. Now, I have come up with this. There is a lot in life that is toxic that we allow to penetrate who we are. I am not talking about physical substances, though there are many things that are toxic. I am referring to the poisonous things of our lives that are more easily disguised.

I have baggage in my life, things that have happened to me as well as things I have done…the stains of my past. I am not proud of who I have been at times or how I responded to events. I’d like to think that those dark days of my past mistakes and regrets are behind me. I also have dark areas of my life to which I wish I could forget. Broken heart. Deceit. Lies. Hurt… Those things of my life, I can try to forget but they are there regardless and every bit a part of my life. If I dwell in the what if or the could have should have, I would never be able to move forward. I would remain captive to my past and my past alone. Forever hindered. The toxicity comes from dwelling in the past rather than remembering the past and moving forward. Too many times I have looked back at events of my life wondering how things could have been different. Or I remember the pain and my heartache. Or I remember what someone else did or did not do. It becomes poisonous- TOXIC- to who I am now. It will do no good. There will be no resolve. Just pain. Just slow death to who I am now.

The past is not the only thing that keeps me from moving forward. There are things right now in my life that are just as toxic as dwelling in my past. Negative people, complainers, the discontented… I have found that when I am around these type of people I become just like them. I become negative, only seeing the bad in everything, even others. I then only pick out the worst. Or I complain about every detail, rather than being grateful for what is before me. I become bitter for what I have not instead of what I have. There are relationships in my life that I can think of right now that are toxic. Though I love these people genuinely, if they remain central in my life, then God is pushed out leaving only their attitudes, their stain. I see that even activities I partake in can be toxic, even if in the smallest dosage, however I may not see the affects for quite some time. But I slowly become someone I am not proud of.

This is not a subject I really want to deal with, but I have to be honest. I love God with my whole heart. At least I am trying to love with my all. But when I allow for the toxins of my past and present to dictate who I am, I become someone living in direct opposition to the call of God- that is to love Him, love others, love myself. I can’t strive to do one of those and not all. In regards to the poisons I have allowed to influence me, I need to let go. My past is behind me. Yes it happened. I can’t do anything. But I can choose to not listen to lies of not being good enough, being unworthy, or whatever else might be thrown at me. With my relationships with people today, I can choose to separate myself of the toxic people that will only bring me down. The toxins of my everyday, the little and the big things that influence my behaviors and attitude, I need to sacrifice. They aren’t worth it. I truly do want to live my life fully and wholehearted pursuing God. To do so, I must be intentional with every decision and every action, filtering out the lies, the deceit, the negativity, …the toxic. By removing the toxic, I can see the beauty of life through pure eyes, clear eyes. I can see the good in life, rather the bad. I can move forward from my past, not be prisoner. I can love people, genuinely, when I strive to bring the good out of them. I can invest in the relationships that matter, the ones worth fighting for, the ones that are iron sharpening iron. I can live life completely the fullest with no regrets. More than anything, I can love God fully and passionately.

Ever really crave something, like really crave it? Nothing is satisfied until you satisfy the craving within. Right? To really crave something means to have an intense desire for it. Or even more… to need urgently.

Don’t we all crave love? We all desire it. We all want it. We ache for it when we don’t have it.  We wonder how it is possible that love could even be in our lives. Just as we crave the love of a significant other- someone we can share life with- so God craves for us. It goes beyond such a simple love. It is more than craving ice cream at midnight. It is more than craving protein after working out. It is more than craving for attention of another.

In the same way its so similar. This is a love many of us have never truly experienced. God craves our love. Why? We are imperfect, unworthy, undeserving, heartbreakers…yet he craves our love. He craves our attention. He craves our time. What a beautiful love story. Just as he craves us, so we should crave him. He is the one love that will never leave. He is the one love that will never abandon. He is the one love that fills the void deep within that you know is there. He will love you for you. No heartbreak. No neglect. Just love.

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Say to my soul, “Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.” [Tozer]

He craves our love just as we crave any other relationship.

Snow is something that captivates me. I could stare at a snowy field all day. I could fully enjoy staring at the sky gently falling in white flakes. Perfection. It is such a simple and beautiful reminder of the grace of God in our lives. We are constant screw-ups. We fail often. More than anything, we rarely live a consistently pure life.

What is pure? What does it mean to live in purity? I feel like this is a subject God has brought back to me as something that needs to be priority. Being pure means there is an absence of adulterants, contaminants;  to be clean.  I am not sure about you, but am not pure. At least not perfectly pure. I struggle with attitude, behaviors, thoughts, and so many other things that hinder me from being pure in the perfect sense. Yet in spite of the impurities of our lives, God chose to love us. He chose to give us another opportunity. We will probably fail again. And again.

Rather than dwelling in our mistakes or failures, rather than being broken hearted about what you may have done wrong, or where you have compromised… there is grace. It is much like snow. Snow blankets the ground. Everything is white. Its a beautiful parallel to the love of God because we are pure through his love, his grace. It is as if that Love wipes away everything, giving us a clean slate. To love him more. To try harder. To be pure.

With every snow fall I am reminded of the second chance [and third and fourth and so on] that my God graciously gives me. It is not an opportunity to negate that grace, but to start over knowing God loves me for me. His love is here. His love is now. For you. For me. Like the snow, its fresh and beautiful. You can be pure, in spite of whatever your past may be colored with.

“Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit with in me.” Psalm 51:7,10 ESV

Jesus quoting Isaiah: These people make a big show of saying the right thing, but their heart isn’t in it. They act like they are worshipping me, but they don’t mean it. They just use me as a cover for teaching whatever suits their fancy. Ditching God’s command and taking up the latest fads. [Mark 7: 6-8 the MSG]

I hope this isn’t me.
I hope I am not who Jesus describes.

Would Jesus call you a fraud?

I would like to hope that even in my mistakes of acting like this, that it is not who I really am. I know I haven’t always been the greatest of example of Christ and his love. I am most certainly not a model for religion. But do I ever treat my worship as a game or a show? I am far from perfect, but I believe that Christ truly is who he says he is. I cannot deny that. But I must be authentic. I must act according to what I believe in him, not wearing a mask. Jesus has changed my life…now I must act like it.

He went on: It’s what comes out of a person that pollutes: obscenities, lusts, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, depravity, deceptive dealings, carousing, mean looks, slander, arrogance, foolishness- all these are vomit from the heart. There is the source of your pollution. [Mark 7:20-23]

What vomit of the heart do you have?

Now I really hope this isn’t me, but I know it is. Sadly, I am guilty of having many of these pollutants in my life. I am guilty of allowing it. Jesus told the religious elite that they were frauds because they only cared about show, but he addressed everyone with the idea of polluting the self. The list above are just some of the things we each can allow in our life that can pollute and ultimately destroy who we are. It is a slow process. One time of gossiping with friends. One time of heavily making out. One time looking at porn. One time looking at a man or woman not your spouse. One time being prideful. One time…that is all it takes to give entrance to these pollutants.

I do not want these things in my life. Pollutants. They are vomit from my heart… and I need to allow for Jesus’ love to work in my life and show me how I can be the woman he is calling me to be. Someone better than that of pollution. Someone that can actually worship Christ and mean it, proving it with my lifestyle, both publicly and privately.

I am discovering something about myself, that I have subconsciously known for years…I am not meant to live here. By here I mean physically here in New Jersey, America, comfort, and stability. I feel uncomfortable. I feel discontentment everywhere I go because at the back of my mind I remember other places I have seen. I remember the dump in Honduras. I remember the naked poor lining streets of La Ceiba. I remember not showering for 8 days because there was no running water. I remember.

As I remember the various trips I have been on over the past nine years, I realize something crucial for my life. I love being uncomfortable and living among the poor. I love the feeling of making sandwiches for the beggar. I love the heat that makes my pores sweat more than ever before while I am carrying stuff for a villager. I love knowing my life had purpose there. I actually enjoy eating food that I can’t identify. Whereas here, I am lost. I feel like I am a foreigner in America sometimes because often I just feel like I’m not meant to be here.

I know God has me where I am for a reason- no doubt in my mind. Yet at the same time, I feel this beckoning to leave. My heart beats elsewhere. My passions live elsewhere. I am not sure if I meant to be a lifelong traveler abroad to the unreached and poor or if it is temporary, short-term solution to this consistent heartache. I wish I could really discern what is going on in my heart and mind with what God wants me to do. I am stuck in this place of uncertainty, slowing feeling the ache rise back in my heart for more. For now, all I can do is remember what I’ve experienced, remember the faces, and remember the moments that have forever changed my life. Remembering is what I have right now.