its unique. being home again. in comfortability. its also unique being in a world seemingly so different then when i left. i try so hard to recognize what has become and yet i can’t. i can’t understand why all has changed and moved on, yet i am left behind. life continues to move on, even when i don’t. God has really been challenging me to move. to take a step. not the cliche leap of faith. something greater. yet so simple. to rise up and reach out. to love. i have faith, but lack action. the world will continue to press on and will leave behind all those who fail in action, like myself. i have been failing my world as a christian. we are called to love those who don’t even know what it is. we have been called to help and teach. we have been asked, no commanded to preach the hope of a savior who cares so much. He is hosanna in the highest. the maker of all we know. the man born to die. like all men, we are all born to die…each with a purpose. however, this man was born for the greatest purpose. he was born to take on all that we can’t-ourselves, our past, our regrets, our choices and mistakes.

i understand this is such a rambling of my mind yet i can not hold anything in. its near 2:30 in the morning yet my mind lies awake asking to be unleashed. my heart can not contain itself. this past month has been so much like awakening. something inside of me has been contained for so long and i am sick of trying to resist it. for too long my past has left me in chains. we each have a past- our choices and mistakes that led us down various roads, a lot of regret. haunting us we can not even run from it. in our sleep it awakens us, in our days it chases us. whether it be the images of lust or pornography; or hatred toward the world or a single person; or reminders of sexual abuse, even physical; words inflicted us even though already spoken; or a child conceived yet born- we each have something.

this month my heart has burst. it is frail and broken. this is not a time where i am weeping for selfpity but rather realizing the changes of becoming….new. i have recognized beyond all that my God releases me and commissions me. i recently did a 7 day fast of food [i understand you are not supposed to brag about fasting-like the pharisees-however this is to show my brokenness colliding with God’s power]. during the course of the fast, each day was set apart to a different subject. i challenge you…if you need a move in your life. try God. even if you are an atheist and you are run out of hope and all else seems to fail you…try God. when i fully surrendered to God, yes it has been a gradual process, but i have been moving forward in every way. God is all i need. screaming “strip me away” God has begun to move away all that hinders me and weakens me. for people who may not know- i have no always been a strong christian…we all come from somewhere. i came from nothing pretending to be something in two different worlds, church and the world. now i am the same. God is working in me each day to show me that my past and mistakes do not matter for he sees now and on. that is all.

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