I hate this, this feeling when everything is going well, yet for some reason you cannot grasp it. I finally am happy. I am finally over my last relationship. I am free from myself. I see myself the way God does. I am so ready for where God is taking me, even though I am surrounded by uncertainty. I have amazing friends. Even though I am in Israel now, I still feel strange. I am not sure if I even have words to explain this feeling. I watch people on this trip and God is doing wonders in our lives. I am so blessed, I really am. Don’t get me wrong, I love being here and I am happy with my life right now.
But I have deep feeling inside of me that is strange and foreign. Maybe it is a combination of weariness and brokenness. Maybe I am overwhelmed by this beautiful land. But I think it is different still. I want more. I want more than what I have settled for back home. This land is mysterious yet beautiful. Wonders beyond my comprehension have happened here. Yet back home I have settle for the mediocrity of America. I am done. I am sick of it. I honestly love America, I do, but the attitude of my people is far from what I want. Even looking at people on this trip, I am aggravated. I see the students on this trip settling for the complacency of their faith rather than learning from the people here. They complain. The couples on this trip seem to only argue. This attitude is beyond draining.
And I remember myself. I have seen a transformation in my life since I have been here. But if I refuse to change my ways back home, than I am a hypocrite. I never want to forget what I have seen or done here…what I have tasted and learned. My attitude must be different. My mouth and tongue must speak love and life rather than condemnation. My eyes must see through His eyes. This feeling is so bizarre to me because I have never before felt this burdened in this way. I am burdened by what I have become. I am burdened by the people around me. I am burdened by everything back home. But these burdens do not rest on my heart but at his feet. It is not a feeling that I lack faith or trust in who God is. But rather, since I have been here, I have learned so much from these burdens and what God is doing. I am finally open. I am finally beautifully broken. I wish I could place within in words all that is running through my mind. It is impossible. All I know is that, because of my pilgrimage to Israel, I am in love with God in a brand new way. I am changing all that I am so that I might glorify Him. That I might honor Him. I trust that he will provide all that I need, however in His time. I know God will bring the right man He has for me when He sees that it is the time. I am no longer troubled by the next year of uncertainty in my life. This feeling is strange and new, but I embrace the beauty of change.