I’m not going to lie…I am so confused on life right now. I am really trying to understand and even be content with every area of my life, but that in itself is difficult. In this path to self-discovery, the past two years especially, I have now found myself in a place of more confusion spiritually and emotionally than ever before. Simply put, I have no idea what my life will even look like next month. So much is undetermined. My heart aches for so many things, some of which I cannot have, which often brings disappointment. I find myself living my life in comfort and ease for the most part… which actually makes me very uncomfortable. Slowly, I have been realizing that which I need (and don’t need) and that which I want (and don’t want). I have come to realize that I get very frustrated when people say every decision is a yes or no, right or wrong- everything is not black and white. Instead there are so many areas that are shades of gray.
These past four months, my life has turned to look like something I had honestly tried to avoid. Contentment and complacency. Yes, I am working in ministry at a church. Yes, I am involved with an amazing young adult group. Yes, I have developed some great relationships. But during these past months, I have come to settle. I have settled for everything that I knew would easy rather than run after my dreams. Little sacrifice. I am angry at myself for choosing the easy path when in reality, the path I know God has called me to is not easy nor does it guarantee safety. Spiritually, I have come to love God more than ever before. I am so grateful for his enduring love, in spite of me. I am so utterly thankful for his peace in the midst of my chaos. Yet again, so much I don’t understand falls around me.
As I seek God and pray for his direction, I find that he has me intentionally waiting here, in this uncomfortable comfort. He has me stuck in situations that I don’t have answers for. My heart and life are on hold in so many ways. And here I am, a lady in waiting, for what I am still so unsure. But I know that in all things God is here with me. I wish I could say I was strong all the time and completely trust that he sees my heart, my desires, my dreams, and that all will come to fruition in due time. That may or may not be so. I wish I could say that things were going as planned. Thus far, nothing is. I am simply waiting. I am simply sitting here, many moments with tears, trying to seek the heart of my God- who is faithful- in hopes that he will bring me to clarity. I cannot make decisions solely on whether the answer is simply yes or no, right or wrong. Currently, my life is surrounded by shades of gray, where I must wait for God to lead me and guide my life.