Shades of gray.

I’m not going to lie…I am so confused on life right now. I am really trying to understand and even be content with every area of my life, but that in itself is difficult. In this path to self-discovery, the past two years especially, I have now found myself in a place of more confusion spiritually and emotionally than ever before. Simply put, I have no idea what my life will even look like next month. So much is undetermined. My heart aches for so many things, some of which I cannot have, which often brings disappointment. I find myself living my life in comfort and ease for the most part… which actually makes me very uncomfortable. Slowly, I have been realizing that which I need (and don’t need) and that which I want (and don’t want). I have come to realize that I get very frustrated when people say every decision is a yes or no, right or wrong- everything is not black and white. Instead there are so many areas that are shades of gray.

These past four months, my life has turned to look like something I had honestly tried to avoid. Contentment and complacency. Yes, I am working in ministry at a church. Yes, I am involved with an amazing young adult group. Yes, I have developed some great relationships. But during these past months, I have come to settle. I have settled for everything that I knew would easy rather than run after my dreams. Little sacrifice. I am angry at myself for choosing the easy path when in reality, the path I know God has called me to is not easy nor does it guarantee safety. Spiritually, I have come to love God more than ever before. I am so grateful for his enduring love, in spite of me. I am so utterly thankful for his peace in the midst of my chaos. Yet again, so much I don’t understand falls around me.

As I seek God and pray for his direction, I find that he has me intentionally waiting here, in this uncomfortable comfort. He has me stuck in situations that I don’t have answers for. My heart and life are on hold in so many ways. And here I am, a lady in waiting, for what I am still so unsure. But I know that in all things God is here with me. I wish I could say I was strong all the time and completely trust that he sees my heart, my desires, my dreams, and that all will come to fruition in due time. That may or may not be so. I wish I could say that things were going as planned. Thus far, nothing is. I am simply waiting. I am simply sitting here, many moments with tears, trying to seek the heart of my God- who is faithful- in hopes that he will bring me to clarity. I cannot make decisions solely on whether the answer is simply yes or no, right or wrong. Currently, my life is surrounded by shades of gray, where I must wait for God to lead me and guide my life.

2 thoughts on “Shades of gray.

  1. Wow, been there. My plan was attend a non-Christian college, work in campus ministry, see tons of lives changed, attend seminary and then be in ministry with youth by age 25. The only two things in that list that have happened are that I attended Rutgers and am now in ministry at age 25. So much of what God has brought me through these last 7 years since highschool I did not see coming, nor would I have probably chosen this path if I was given the option. In contrast, I would not change any of it because I know where it has brought me to, and I know what he has shaped and built in me. In the early days of my faith I had a fair amount of audible direction from God. I had many “yes” “no” and “go here”. The last few years have contained WAY more grey. I like to think of it as my transition from spiritual milk to solid food.

    As far as the “easy” road of ministry. Two years ago I had a conversation with my head pastor and the guy I was replacing during a crisis time in my life. I told both of them I was not sure of the path I was on because I always had a strong conviction that God’s ministry path for me was non-traditional and extreme. Their advice was essentially that the non-traditional and extreme nature of ministry comes not from the location or the ministry framework you are in but how you let the spirit lead you in the place he has you. We often romantice missionaries and such, but those extremes exist in our spirits not in circumstances. Sorry this is so long, but you struck a chord for me in your post. See you in two weeks for “Rooted”!

    • Thanks for your comment Brian! I wish I could explain to you what this post was fully about. Its not just about ministry or anything… its about everything. I know I am supposed to be working in ministry, but these past months of specific youth ministry has confirmed more than anything that this is a temporary stop on the journey God is taking me. Its so difficult for me to wrap my head around. I know where I am right now is where God wants me, yet at the same time, I know he is taking me beyond this. Everything has a season… I hope that helps a little bit to understand this. Thanks for your encouragement.

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