Invisible.

“I was invisible and it was nice to be noticed.”

Recently, that hit me so hard. I realized in that simple sentence something about myself. I have felt invisible for most of my life. I actually knew this going off to college. But I didn’t think it mattered. Now I realize that I have been trying so hard to be “seen” that I end up compromising myself to be noticed. I am angry at myself. So yeah I never did drugs or had sex to be noticed- it was never that extreme. But I allowed the opinions of people to persuade my attitude, music, relationship even in order for them to like it. Two years ago was my breaking point and it has continued since. So many friends in college stopped inviting me places or doing things with me because of my conviction and beliefs. As an RA on campus, I wasn’t exactly well liked by the student body, and even friends. I ended a relationship with a guy I wanted to marry because I became something I wasn’t and it needed to be stopped. More recently I allowed another guy to pursue me, although that was a just a few months period that led to more pain in the heart. It felt nice to be pursued and liked for who I was, but even then, I ended up hurt for so many reasons. I became afraid of going after my dreams because people made me doubt the possibilities. So many men, even some women, in the church and those around me have told me that I won’t make it as a female in ministry, especially leadership. It is so disheartening being around constant negativity where people tell me I cannot do something, many of which have become complacent and lazy in their own lives. They have settled for mediocrity- they are the dream killers. For a while, I listened to people like that.

Then recently, I heard that line. For all of these things, I was trying to be noticed and it didn’t matter how. So now, now I sit here rethinking the last two and half years. I see that to some people I am becoming invisible to, again. I have to be okay with that. I hate being invisible, but getting noticed for wrong reasons or compromise are far worse. Tonight, as I sit by my fireplace, I remain invisible, simply asking God for my selfishness and compromise- my insecurities- the desires of my own heart… to disappear. I want it all gone. If it means losing people that I have held close, then fine. But I will no longer be noticed by compromise. Ultimately, I want my life to reflect Christ in all things. My lifestyle, my behaviors in and out of church, what I do in my spare time, what my conversations consist of, and those people I allow especially close in my life, mainly those I date. By losing myself, I am found in Christ, thus when people see me, they really see Christ… that is what I want.

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