Lately, my heart has been burdened greatly with loss. It is not about me losing some family member or friend to death, but instead, it is about the loss of those who have come and gone from my life. I understand that there are seasons for friendships and people move on. Really, I know this. Through my five years in school down in Florida, I had developed a close group of friends, many of which I still greatly cherish. Then there are those friends from home. In both worlds, I have lost many of those friends. Friends I thought I could never lose. And it saddens me greatly. I know for a long time I was not always the nicest person or easy to deal with, especially when it came to how Christians should act. I know this. I was judgmental, arrogant, and self-righteous. I was also hiding under great insecurity and uncertainty. Because of how I acted during my high school years and early college, I have lost dear friends.
Maybe some were right to give up on our friendship. I understand that some were hurt on my own path of self-discovery. I understand that, really I do. Yet what saddens me more is the fact that over these past three years I have tried to redeem myself from who I had become. I have tried to show those friends, especially those friends, that the girl they knew was no more. I was different then. I have been hurt too by others. But I have forgiven. At the core of my heart is forgiveness- God taught me that lesson three years ago when my greatest fear came true and I had the greatest test of forgiveness I have faced. But what I cannot understand is the lack of forgiveness I have received. Or maybe lack of trust. Or maybe….they just do not care.
One of my greatest desires is that reconciliation- forgiveness and restoration- become the core of who each of us are. That is the love of Christ. And I wish I could have that with some specific people that have left my life for whatever reason. If you are reading this, and you know you are one of those people, please accept my sincerest apology. Whatever reason we are not friends anymore, know that I am so deeply sorry and wishing for forgiveness from you, if needed. I have contacted several of these friends over the past few weeks and months. I have tried calling and various other means of communication. Nothing. I just do not get it.
How can someone give up on someone who was once so much part of your life? I guess this is why I feel every relationship I have with any person, I have to treat it with utter loyalty and fragility. I know I am not that person I once was. Though we may disagree on things. Though we may have difference of opinion. But once I consider someone a friend, they stay that way. I am not who I was and therefore I seek to reconcile that which is broken, torn, severed, or lost.