We don’t always live our lives believing in our dreams. We dream dreams, but we don’t pursue. We don’t believe they are even possible. Yet, as Christians, we walk around quoting scriptures that God knows, has plans, wants to prosper us, and has great things for us. Do we really believe it? Do we really believe that His words will not come back void? Honestly…most of us will have to answer no. Most of us don’t live our lives believing that He is able or even desiring to fulfill his promises or our dreams.
In a few moment of honesty, I find myself tonight in deep reflection. I find myself broken and yet hopeful. But moreso I find myself full of thanks for what God has been doing over not just the past few months, but even the past few years. Everything has been part of a plan of preparation, of promise, of purpose. I have been reading through a devotional book called Draw the Circle. In summary, the devo is based off the book The Circle Maker. Both speak on prayer and how all too often we quit on prayers. We think praying for something a few times is enough. We think only reading the Bible is enough. How much do we really believe in the power of prayer and our God? Reading this book has brought forth so many moments of clarity and brutal honesty to my self. I have been forced to reconcile one major thing: somewhere along the line, I have forgotten that God knows me, cares for me, has plans for me. Beyond that… he knows my heart, my desires, my dreams. Yet somewhere I forgot, or thought they were out of His reach.
Somewhere I stopped believing.
God has been more than faithful. This year God has especially made himself known to me in ways that I never imagined. If someone were to tell me seven, even ten years ago that I’d be walking into porn conventions or strip clubs sharing the love of Christ by simply loving people where they’re at…you never would have been taken seriously. If you were to have told me that I’d travel to so many places around this world, as a teenager I’d think the idea would be great, the reality impractical and impossible. On other realities, if I would have been told as a teenager that I would be [now] a 25 year old single pastor/blogger/photographer/barista I probably would have laughed at you and clearly knew you had no idea what you were talking about. Throughout the last decade God has birthed dreams in my heart, many that are unfolding now, even more that are still yet to pass. Yet I have found myself these past few months especially seeing the little unspoken things of my heart come forth. Why? Because HE IS FAITHFUL. To me, its almost as if God knows that if He were to give me the big dreams now, I wouldn’t have as much appreciation for them. But by him slowing but surely bringing things to fruition, he is gently reminding me that he has not forgotten, that he is able, and than he knows my heart.
Yes my plans look differently now. Even over the next few weeks, some big things are happening that could change everything for me. My life looks differently than what I dreamt up years ago, yet I still know that He is God. Just one example of his faithfulness has been an almost 12 year long dream come to pass this year. It began with simply sending an email, thinking that nothing would come from my inquiry, yet within just a few days, I received a call from a woman named Kelly. From there, it was as if day by day God was saying “See…I am doing something”. Kelly quickly got me involved with the very industry that I have been aching to be a part of… the sex industry. Yes, I am aware that it seems by my wording that I want to be a part of the industry, but the reality is, God opened doors for me to be able to walk right into strip clubs, the dressing rooms, porn conventions, human trafficking events, and trainings, all because of prayers I prayed over several years. Even now, God has opened more doors with the organization and its parent organization. God never forgot. He just wanted things on His timing, because He knew it would be better. Yet even with this faithfulness that has been undoubtedly from Him, a part of me has still been struggling, wondering when God would act on other desires I had.
Just more than a week ago, on several occasions, one verse has come up, each time challenging me in ways that I can barely fathom.
“Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.” [Isaiah 43:19]
I leave you, the reader, with this challenge, do you believe God and His words? Do you believe that if He is indeed the God of the Bible- the one who performed so many miracles- do you believe that He is able to take care of you? Do you believe that He knows your heart, your dreams, your desires, your worries, your fears? He knows you. Period. Trust Him. Put your faith in Him. I encourage you, pick up a copy of Draw the Circle… it will challenge you in so many ways. It’ll test your prayer faith. This past year, especially, has been a season that has affirmed one thing very strongly: God is steadfast, He’s not going anywhere, and He deeply cares and loves me.