I have nothing.

I am very quickly learning faith. Not just a faith that says “yes, I believe in God” or “things will work out”. I am learning faith in its raw form. Its the kind of faith that desperately says to God, “I have nothing left. You have to do something.” 

That is where I am at right now. I made the decision a few weeks ago to follow through with officially resigning from my position at my church as youth pastor. For the past several months, I have known that God has been making it clear for me to leave, but I’ve been waiting on the timing. Part of the timing now was because I had applied to some different jobs a few weeks ago, all of which I was qualified for and even thought there was a great chance for me to get hired. The transition, if hired, would be rather quick, and I didn’t want to abandon my ministry in the midst of chaos. However, I was not hired at any of those jobs. Despite the disappointment of my confused pursuit of these jobs, I decided to still follow through with my resignation. Today, I stood before my church and explained to them my reason for leaving… faith. 

The reality is that I have no plan. I do not know what God is going to do, but I believe He is the one that has led me to this transition. I believe He is the one that confirmed closing of this chapter in my life. Before when I was planning on leaving, I had a game-plan because I thought I had somewhere to go to when I leave. But now, two weeks out from my last day and last paycheck from the church, with a lot of uncertainty before me, I only have faith. Logically this won’t work out for me. Logically, this will not only be difficult, it will end up with me missing bills or over drafting my account or even needing to cut my lease at my apartment. Good thing God doesn’t need our logic. When He asks us to trust Him logic goes out the door and faith is left. 

“How much do you trust me? How much do you believe that I can do great things?” 

That is exactly what I feel God has been asking me for months. Those are the questions I feel God is asking me to answer, for real. If I really believe God is leading me to this unknown, then I have to trust Him entirely. I have to trust that He is not only able, but He is powerful to provide for my every need. This is extremely difficult. I like having a plan, even with being a spontaneous person as I am. I like knowing some details, specifically how I am going to pay rent,   utilities and school loans, buy groceries, fill up with gas, and have some remnant of a social life. Even my involvement with a  ministry I’m involved with, xxxChurch, will be on the line. Financially paying my team “offering”, paying for the mission trip to Toronto in October, and any other expenses will be very hard to fund. Come October, my faith will be real… or not. Those bills will need to be paid. Period. But if I believe God is the one leading me, He is the one that will provide the way for me to pay these bills. He is the one I need to trust with the money I will still make from the hours I work at Starbucks. 

Do I trust Him or not? If I believe that God is not only the Creator, but Savior, and capable of miracles and the supernatural, than shouldn’t I, even logically, believe that He is able to do such things in my life? The really beautiful thing about all of this is that there is no way I will be able to take any credit. God has to do something. There is no other option. 

On a final note, a verse that keeps coming up over the past few weeks has continued to challenge me more than ever before. I even wrote about it in my previous post. 

“Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.” [Isaiah 43:19]

God is already working. He is doing something now. My faith needs to be active and engaged, now more than ever. I do not want to miss out on what He is doing because I am worried about my bills or because I am losing 2/3 of income. I do not want to miss out because I am trying to forge an opportunity where God is not birthing.  I want to be engaged in the now, in what He is doing and let Him open the door through which I will walk. He will make a way for me. 

This is faith in the raw. I have nothing left. 

One thought on “I have nothing.

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