Yes this is a post on my seemingly eternal singleness. Over the past few years I have noticed one really big trend with conversations with people and I’m not sure I like it. I am single and I have been since I was 21. There have been guys interested in me, not a lot, but a few. And yet by choice, I have remained single. I am okay will my being single. Of course I want to get married and have a life together with some great man eventually, however, I am okay with where I am until I feel it is the right guy and the right time.
Others, however, are not.
So family and friends who read this, understand my heart. Also understand that what I say next will probably be relevant to others my age who are single. Here are 7 things that tell you a little more on my feelings of single-hood and why I am perfectly lonely [thank you John Mayer for those lyrics]:
1) I am not desperate. I am not this lonely bitter woman desperate for affection. Please do not treat me as a victim of single-hood as if life has done this to me. I have chosen to be single and not date for a while. That’s my decision.
2) Nothing is wrong with me. I’m not scared of boys, I don’t think they have cooties, and I’m not afraid of the “next step”. I do not have self esteem issues or think guys don’t like me. This is just my choice.
3) Stop trying to set me up. Again, I can date if I want. I can pursue guys if I want. Enough guys have shown interest in me. If I wanted a date, I could get one. It does not help me when you treat me like I am incapable of getting guys on my own. In fact I absolutely HATE IT when people- family and friends- constantly try to set me up with a guy from church, or that pastor’s son, or this missionary who knows a guy, or this friend or that friend. I get it… you do care about me. But stop. All of you stop trying to make this happen for me. I’m really okay. And I’d prefer this be something that I and the guy make happen, not a bunch of bystanders playing the puppeteer. If my marriage will be between my husband and I [and God], then I’d prefer to also keep my dating life the same.
4) No, I will not do online dating. There is nothing wrong with it, but anyone who knows me enough, knows that online dating [and blind dating], do not fit my personality.
5) I want to be financially responsible. I have seen so many friends get married while in college or shortly after college. I love them all to death, however many of them went into their marriages with a combined total of debt in the tens of thousands of dollars. They had no credit, or only bad credit. I’m not saying any of them did it wrong per say, however, I really really want to be closer to being debt free before I enter a marriage, or even a serious relationship. Luckily, I’m getting to that point where my debt is consolidated and becoming a smaller number. But I still want to be responsible to the best of my abilities to avoid unnecessary marital drama.
6) I will not sacrifice the things I feel God has called me to or gifted me with for any man. Though I don’t always have a clear picture of what I want or where God is leading me, sometimes, I just know if I can’t date a guy based on his interest and calling compared to mine. Sometimes, I can just know right away. I want to travel. I want to do missions and foreign aid. I work in completely non-traditional ministries all the time. Too many times have guys been interested in me and expected me to sacrifice missions work, traveling, ministry, and other passions of mine- things I believe God has put on my heart and gifted me with. I still strongly believe I will do international work. With that, it could limit the stability I have stateside. I don’t have this cookie cutter idea of having a house, yard, 3 kids, two cars, a dog, and being a housewife/stay at home mom. None of that is wrong or bad, but that’s not even close to what I want or where I feel God has led me to thus far. If anything, I’m more comfortable with the idea of living in the middle of Africa, the Middle East, or South America and having my kids be kids from the village I live in and my husband and I do all kinds of crazy adventures, maybe even dangerous, knowing that we are sharing God’s love. Again, though I don’t actually have a clear picture of where God is leading me right now, I know some of the things that are not what God has for me. And for that, I cannot and will not sacrifice even my unknown for those things.
7) I want to pursue the Lord more than I want to date or even be married. Period. That is non-negotiable. My faith in God is everything and anything that distracts me from that is not worth it. In order for my future marriage to be one centered on God, my life as a single needs to be centered on God. I don’t see any way around that without sacrificing one for the other.
I hope you can understand my heart. I know those of you who have tried to set me up or marry me off have the best of intentions. Maybe you’re one of the ones that just wonder why I haven’t dated and don’t get why… that’s fine. You don’t need to understand. You don’t even have to agree. But understand that at nearly 26 years old, I am perfectly fine with being single until I believe God is opening an opportunity for dating and marriage. Until then, I can focus my time and energy into ministry, people, and things that matter more than gawking after some guy that I know won’t be my husband or dating guy after guy- regardless if they are great godly men- if our lives won’t be heading in the same direction. Why bother taking my attention from things I can do with my whole heart? For now, until my time actually comes, just respect me and my decision. Respect me and my desire to serve God in my single-hood. I’m okay with it, and I ask that you be too.