Category: Thoughts

Beyond Samaria.

On By MJIn Awareness, Biblical Application, Thoughts1 Comment

Arriving to Toronto, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. This trip and convention, I was told, would be much different than the Atlantic City Exxxotica. This was “Everything to do with Sex”  and it would be large still but geared toward couples. I had no clue what that could mean.  All I knew for certain was: Jesus loves people and I was there, in Toronto, at that convention, to share the love of Jesus to people and patrons of the sex industry.

Over the course of three days, we encountered thousands of people. Some were with their boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. Others were with their partner. Still others were alone. There were all sorts of costumes and personality in the wardrobes present at the show. Calendar men (firefighters specifically), Hustler girls wore their booty branded undies and tops, several body-painted ladies wore….body paint, dancers and strippers of the industry walked around in the latest lingerie and pasty fashions, while still others wore the best burlesque they could. And of course, don’t forget “Thong Man”- the 70+ senior citizen who changed his thong outfit every hour- police, Rambo, army, energizer bunny…. I’m sure he has dozens of different thonged outfits. Who knows where he buys them.  Everything pornographic from couples to dungeon had a booth, though still most gearing their audience for couples. But don’t worry… there were booths for tattoos, body-casting art, back massage chairs, travel Toronto, boots, dresses, and even food trucks! Plenty of fun stuff right? I’m not gonna lie… I bought a crepe from one of the venders. No shame at all. It was delicious.

In the middle of all of that there was xxxChurch. Surrounded by adult toys, sex therapists, and lingerie, we had our neon colored hippy-esque booth. We gave the industry girls gift bags, bottles of water, and tanks. For three days we handed out 2,000 Bibles [book of John actually] and 3,000 stickers. The hot pink “Jesus Loves Porn Stars” stickers were the attention grabbers and hot commodity of the weekend… other than the porn.  But we got attention. We got everything from confused looks to giggles but often immediate questions on what we were exactly.

That is the point.

In an environment where so many people have been rejected by Christians, here we were xxxChurch in all our neon glory, with a 20 foot booth inviting people to ask the real question they ALL wanted answered… Does Jesus really love porn stars? Does Jesus really love… me? Even though I’ve done [fill in the blank]? So many people wanted to know the love we offered freely. The love that was not condemning, judging or critical. Yes we were and always are honest about what we believe about pornography, sexuality, and God however, the first step we try to stick with is just letting people know that Jesus loves them.  No one in that convention hall was less than enough for God. None were less worthy than myself or anyone else. Not one person has done enough “bad” for Him to reject them. That is the beauty of grace and forgiveness.

By offering love and grace first, it opened so may doors for conversations for people to want to know about God. Between theological discussions and debates to confessions of wanting more to honest conversation on desiring God, we were the Church in the middle of a sex and porn convention.  I can’t help but think of Jesus going to the land of Samaria. He had to go to through Samaria even though he actually had another route option. Instead he chose to go to a city Jews avoided to go to a well that no one acceptable would be at during that time of day to speak to a woman who was a known mistress to many. The Samaritans were bi-racial outcasts of society. And even in their being an outcast, Jesus met this woman who was even more of an outcast because of her sexual behaviors. Jesus chose to show love and kindness to this woman. He chose to meet her where she was not ask her to change everything first. After their discussion furthered he offered something more… forgiveness and new life.  The beauty of the story is that Jesus’ love changed this woman, not the woman changing for him first. His love- unconditional, redeeming, perfect love- was this reason she changed her life and started living different. It was the reason she ran back into town to tell everyone she knew about Jesus.  (read John 4)

xxxChurch goes to these conventions to offer that first step. We go to an area most Christians avoid either because they are critical or because they don’t know what to do in that kind of environment. We go to a group of people, though often glamorized, are still largely deemed by society as nothing less than a lay, a mental image to find gratification, and another person to call a name. We offer nothing but love and kindness to everyone in the building. Of course we want people to know Jesus personally, but its not our job to convert. Its our job to be the Church and love of Jesus, and his job to do the rest. At the end of the weekend, I had such joy in my heart. I know many of those people from this weekend’s convention want to know more. They want to find freedom from addiction. Some might seek restoration for their marriage. Some might want to know Jesus personally rather than just a cuss word. Some might want out of the industry. All I know is that there are a few thousand people that can’t deny that they were told and shown a love that is rare. One worth dying for. One worth going to Samaria for. One worth giving everything for.

[title credit to Sue]

A problem with the Church [and my response to ministry criticism]

On By MJIn Thoughts1 Comment

I have to say that going into this weekend, though I was extremely excited, there was a bit of discouragement that stayed with me.

On Thursday morning I posted a status that spoke about how I was leaving for Toronto later that day. This was my status:
“Today I leave for Toronto to work with xxxChurch at another porn convention. I know for those that are not aware of who/what xxxChurch is, us going to to a porn convention is strange. We are a non-profit that simply wants to help those with sexual addictions as well as tell those who work in and for the sex industry that someone- God- loves them. No matter who you are, you are enough for God. If you want more info ask me or check out xxxchurch.com”.

This Facebook status led to so many people commenting with encouraging words, sending me texts, etc. because they were so happy that someone, a fellow Christian, was going into areas of our world and culture that so many Christians avoid because they have no idea how to outreach to people of the sex industry. However, to my dismay and discouragement, I had one person who questioned the minsitry. What started off as simple questions seemed to evolve into borderline criticism and judgment of the methods of xxxChurch. After a few very clear and polite responses on Facebook- and everyone still being civil- I asked for the conversation to be continued not on social media as conversations can often be misinterpreted and taken out of context.

Now let me just preface this before I continue. As I was getting the comments via Facebook I was on my iPhone minutes away from boarding my plane to Toronto, where I would not have service and would have only limited wifi [Canada surely needs to work on their wifi]. As I am waiting to hear my standby ticket called, I was, to the best of my ability, trying to respond politely, clearly, and correctly as possible. I am sure I could have done a little bit better of a job.

However, after having reread my comments and the later private message with this person, I found myself to have responded exactly as I tried.  What left me discouraged is that this individual did not let the conversation end via the comments on the status. This person, despite my desire to continue to the conversation later in person, privately messaged me their opinions on the ministry and my beliefs. She continued to throwing questions at me, disregarding my desire to speak later as I was literally about to board my flight. She seemingly got a bit more intense and even borderline bullying in her responses. Now granted, I know this person more as an acquaintance, but we have dialogued on the ministry I have been working with.  She was not at all against me or other Christians going to adult industry conventions or strip clubs to do ministry. She was not against us sharing Jesus with people who’ve often never heard of him loving them. What she had a problem with was that with xxxChurch and the other non-profits I am involved with, is that we rarely get to see major conversions of people coming to know Jesus. We have limited time with people at strip clubs, porn shows, etc. Rather than picketing or judging people and telling them they need to repent [that comes later], we want to send one very clear message: Jesus loves _______. With xxxChurch, we fill the blank in with Porn Stars. Jesus loves people, plain and simple. Once we can tell people that Jesus loves them, if they want to or if we feel God nudging us to go deeper, we then share more of the Gospel.

With these kinds of events, we literally have 30 seconds or less with people. We hand them a Bible and say Jesus loves them. We make a choice- tell the love of a God who wants to redeem and restore them or preach repentance and conversion. This is where the individual from Facebook disagreed. I totally understand what she was saying. Repentance is necessary for being a believer in Christ. We must confess our wrongdoings and sin, believe in Jesus and turn our lives toward Him. Totally get it. Totally believe it.  I felt as though this individual would not listen to me once I said our first priority is not speaking repentance. This was actually not the first time we had discussed this ministry. She always seemed mostly supportive but also somewhat critical. Being critical is not necessary wrong as long one learns that we are just as Bible based, gospel-centered as so many churches, ministries or other non-profits. Our methods may look different, but we do not dumb down or distort the Gospel or need for Christ.

It saddened me that once I got to Toronto and was able to check email and Facebook, I saw that this individual deleted all of her comments from my status, blocked me via Facebook and deleted all other contact from me. This woman is a Christian and it broke my heart that she was [and is] allowing such dissension among believers. We are both the Church- the body of Christ- and yet I feel as though she has written not only me off, but so many other people who have ministry that doesn’t look like hers. I believe her intentions were good, but response and reaction definitely did not show the same.

If you, blocked Facebook friend, read this blog somehow, I want you to understand one thing: I love Jesus, I believe he loves people no matter who they are and what they have done. I believe that Jesus can and will redeem anyone that seeks forgiveness and salvation. There is new life in him. I am sorry if you got offended at my not backing down from your criticism. Forgive me if I was harsh or lacked eloquence or clarity in how I explained the ministry. I am sorry if I offended you and especially if I was wrong about calling you hostile, a bully, or condemning- that was the very reason why I believe these kind of discussions should not take place without being in person. I am sincerely sorry for any offense as that was not my intention. I thank you for being bold enough to want to hold other Christians accountable, but please understand that this ministry is legitimate and true to the Word.  We are Jesus going to Samaria. We are the disciples going to the poor. We are Paul speaking to those with the Unknown god. Please don’t be so quick to shut out ministries that have different methods so long as they preach the same salvation through Jesus.

To other pastors, Christians, ministry leaders who read this: don’t be afraid to take a stand for what is right according to God’s Word, but don’t be too proud to admit if you are wrong, critical, or judgmental of another’s ministry. Be the Church, regardless of denomination, gender, or age. Be Jesus’ loving eyes, smile, arms, hands, and feet. Let God’s Word resonate throughout everything you do, be humble enough if you are wrong, and be steadfast in your beliefs.

Tough Mudder #2

On By MJIn ThoughtsLeave a comment

Its hard to believe that just one year ago I found myself walking through an entrance to a run that frankly made me both anxious and exhilarated. And yet this year I chose the same fate knowing all that I went through last year.

This past Saturday, I ran and completed my second Tough Mudder run in Englishtown, NJ. Honestly, I was so incredibly excited for this year with little nerves working me. I cannot even stress how different my two experiences have been. I spent the bulk of 2012 training for the Mudder last year- lifting weights regularly, running a few miles a few days a week. I even did the full Insanity program by Beach Body the two months leading up to the Mudder. A few times throughout last summer the team I signed up with would do team workouts- we’d run like 4-5 miles, do tons of pushups, squats, run with tires, and practice monkey bars [which I still find it ridiculous that I completely fail when 7 year olds can do them with such ease]. I’m the kind of person that tends to talk trash… like I open my mouth and say something. And because I spoke, I refuse to quit and look like an idiot. That was so me last year. I had signed up for the TM in March and didn’t really start training til April and May. I was excited for it, but a huge part of me was very very nervous. The doubts of my abilities were running so much in my head. My fears of trying an obstacle and getting hurt. Failing and looking stupid. Everything. BUT because I opened my mouth, paid over $100 for it, and committed with a team [of people I didn’t really know], there was no going back. So when I found myself the week leading into the Mudder last year, I had so much anxiety. I was nervous about everything and felt so ill-prepared. And ironically I felt ill. I was actually sick. For days before the Mudder, I was doping up on Nyquil, Dayquil, vitamins, etc. because I still wanted to the Mudder. When race day came, I felt like crap. I managed to push through my slight sickness, full bodily fatigue, and my desire to want to quit basically every second. I was not as prepared as I thought I was. The mental games that the Tough Mudder HQ do are intense and definitely meant to be a challenge all on its own. By the end of the day- our time for the run was 5 1/2 hours, largely because we had a pretty severe injury on our team. I was sore in places I had never felt, bruised everywhere, and literally felt weaker than I had in a long time. Come to find out….my simple cold turned into Bronchitis which turned into pneumonia… for 3 months. It was rough.

And that’s how I started my year.

Just recovering from pneumonia, my friend Danielle and I decided to create our own team for TM13 and try for Englishtown again. Despite my sickness the previous months, there was something in me that was just aching to do it again. To put my body through the challenge again. To train. To run. To lift. Crossing that finish line last year was among the most accomplishing feelings I have ever had… I wanted that again. But when I found myself working out, I was weak. My lungs couldn’t handle much running beyond a mile. So basically through most of the year my training consisted of upper body and legs with little to no cardio.

My feelings going into the Mudder this year were vastly different than last year’s. A huge part of me was just excited for a challenge. To be a part of a group of crazies all over the nation and world who do TM. A smaller part of me was nervous. I was afraid that 1) my previous case of pneumonia was still be able to affect me and 2) I didn’t want to get sick again. Since last year’s Mudder I had put on weight (a bit more than 10 lbs) which made me kind of upset. I wasn’t able to cardio to quickly get rid of it [because of my recovering lungs], and let’s be serious… I hate diets. I’ll eat relatively healthy, but I don’t want to diet completely. I knew the combination of everything I was feeling- negative and positive- were things I just had to work through and deal with. For the second year in a row, there was no turning back. [At the beginning of the year] I paid my $107 entrance for the Tough Mudder 2013, and that was my goal to work towards.

That gets me to last week. I was so hydrated – it was awesome. I was drinking so much water, orange juice, gatorade, and of course coffee while at work (barista life, what can I say), but none of that fatty delicious crap, not right before the Mudder. I was determined to not get sick again. I was determined to do every obstacle without skipping anything or backing down regardless of whatever excuse. Saturday morning I woke up ready. The Tough Mudder may not ever be the hardest thing I do- in fact I doubt it will be greatest challenge.

But I woke up ready. This year the Mudder to me was more than running 12 miles or doing the 20+ obstacles. It was symbolic of my kind of mid-twenties life crisis. Last month I quit my primary job at a church to pursue a job more in line with what I am passionate and skilled in, and of course where I feel the LORD will lead me. So far, I got nothing. I work ridiculously early hours at Starbucks to only exhaust myself and still fail at paying my bills. Just yesterday I decided to terminate my lease and move back in with my parents end of next week. I pretty much don’t have a car- I am driving my sister’s Jeep while she is deployed and in about 2 months I’ll have to figure out how to get myself another form of transportation. I have student debt that is the forever thorn in my side. I am in a crazy place of faith and trust in God believing that I am following what I believe to be His leading. Facing the Mudder this year was my way of control- pushing through, trying [even if failing] every obstacle, and trying not to complain along the way.

This year, my team of 6 completed the Tough Mudder in 4 hours [which is the average- we weren’t going for time so much]. I did not skip any obstacle. Of course there were obstacles that were way more challenging. Let’s be serious… I am five foot nada and those obstacles are designed for the average height of five eight… at least. But I had fun. I grit my teeth on some. I got cut and bruised on others. I had a blast with others. All I know was that this year was just fun. It was exciting. It was motivating. And because of it, I decided I want to run a half-marathon then a marathon while still training for one, maybe two Tough Mudders next year.

The whole time during the Mudder, I couldn’t help but thing of my position in life right now. I am almost 26 and yet I am down to a mediocre job at a coffee shop [though fun, not ideal], not using either of my graduate degrees. I am about to move back in with my parents. My singleness is about as certain as the rising and setting sun- constant.My life is not even close to what I would have pictured. Yet life throws curveballs. It puts obstacles in your way. You can face them or quit. Sometimes you can get around them, but if you choose to face the obstacle in front of you, the character, the determination and strength you get is not something you are born with, but something you get by facing and overcoming difficulty. I don’t know what my immediate future holds… job, housing, relationship, but I know my God is able. He is with me and able to help me overcome anything that comes my way. I can push through. I can hold on and remain steadfast. I can trust that, just like crossing the finish line at the Tough Mudder, twice now, I will feel so accomplished and victorious, not on my own power and will, but by knowing it was He who was working in me along the way.

A beautiful wedding.

On By MJIn Thoughts1 Comment

This past weekend I had probably one of the most special weekends of my life.  Aside from my own [future] wedding, I have to say that this weekend and wedding will be among the top of my life.  Everything was perfect.

The bachelorette party on Thursday night was full of fun and laughs, an Italian dinner and a sleepover- yes a sleepover, like we were all teenage girls again.

Friday we made breakfast as if we were all sisters just doing it because it felt normal [2 of the bridesmaids were sisters and about to gain a 3rd]. That afternoon we had a fun little tea. Yes a tea, each with our own tea pot, two tiered snack platters, and a precious little tea cups. After the tea, we ran errands for so many different things to make sure the lovely bride had everything she needed. I then returned to her house to pack her honeymoon suitcase.

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Saturday was day 3 of crazy. After lack of sleep and packing my own belongings for the wedding, I dropped by the bride’s house to get her dress, her luggage, and some last minute decor for the wedding venue. From there I drove the hour to Terrain at Styers- easily one of the most beautiful venues I have ever been to yet, a venue that can so easily get lost by its surroundings. We had the rehearsal, where we felt like we all nearly froze in the 60 degree weather plus wind, followed by checking into our hotel rooms, and the rehearsal dinner at Pizza by Elizabeths. It was a busy, exhausting, yet exciting day. There was such anticipation for Sunday…

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Sunday came along and I have to say, I’ve never been more excited. I have been involved with so many weddings, not including the few dozen I’ve attended in the past few years, and I don’t ever remember waking up with such joy for a bride and groom.  Jordan and Stasia are two of my close friends and I could not even express the joy I felt for them. Throughout the morning the girls and guys didn’t see each other. We all got ready. With excitement, we- the bridesmaids- were able to pray with Stasia once she was in her dress and ready for the day. I knew that this wedding was different than the others. I knew that in that moment as I prayed for her, and for Jordan, that this wedding was so much more than anyone realized.

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You see as we went throughout the weekend, rehearsal, and eventually the ceremony and reception, there was one thing that stuck out more than any wedding. The love of Jesus Christ was so evident. What made it so powerful was that most of Stasia’s family were not Christians and for them to understand the covenant marriage her and Jordan were entering, they needed to know what made it a covenant- pure and holy. They needed to know why Jordan and Stasia waited for marriage, why they spoke about Jesus so much, and why they will raise their family, Lord willing, to be one founded on the Word and truth and love of Christ.  From my perspective, this wedding was unlike any other because it was an opportunity for the bride and groom, and bridal party, to express the deep of Jesus to her family, and any others that did not know the LORD.

As we waited in the Mushroom House [yes that is what Terrain called the cute little rustic room we waited in], we all were already somewhat emotional, just overflowing with love for Jordan and Stasia, but also many of us realizing the potential this wedding could do for her family to know the LORD. Soon enough we were escorted to our places to begin the ceremony. It was beautiful. The big wooden doors opened and the first of the bridesmaids walked out. I followed shortly behind. For those moments as I walked down the wooden ramp, on the cobblestone wooden ground, and down the isle, I almost started crying. For some reason it made me long for the moment when I would be the bride, yet at the same time, being so excited to walk toward that altar to await with the bridal party for Stasia. Such beauty in that moment. When Stasia appeared from the waiting area, it was so incredible… she walked down that isle confident, sure, and ready to embark on the journey before her.

As the wedding ceremony progressed, one thing was for sure- Jordan and Stasia wanted everyone to know their stories, who Jesus is, and why their marriage would be meaningless without Him. They each have lost a parent. Jordan lost his dad when he was young. Stasia lost her mother shortly after I met her just a few years ago. I remember the heartache and anger she had. I’m sure Jordan went through the mourning stage as well. But I also remember Stasia just one year later committing herself to Jesus- not in a religious, crazy, don’t go to Hell kind of way- but one of humility, brokenness, and readiness to see what God could do in her life. She hasn’t been the same since. There was such healing, such love, such freedom in receiving an unending, unconditional, beautiful, perfect love that can only come from Him. Jordan went through the same thing, almost exactly, just a few years before Stasia. As they said in the ceremony, it was God bringing them to love with Him first, then to each other. He is their solid ground. Only with Him can they love each other with true love that reflects His heart for them. During the reading of their testimonies, during their vows, and during the commissioning of their marriage, there was not one dry eye in the whole ceremony. I have never cried in a wedding, yet this one I could barely control myself. Such beauty was embodied in their ceremony, one that reflected the heart of God, one that showed deep, enduring Love, and one that is a covenant before Him. The most beautiful wedding I have ever experienced or been privileged to be a part.

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I am so honored to have been a part of this wedding. The stress of helping Stasia plan stuff. The stress of planning the showers. The stress of making sure my outfit was right. The gas money to PA for the wedding. The money spent on the bachelorette dinner and presents. The lack of sleep sometimes. The getting ready in a hotel room with half a dozen other people [sometimes more]. The shivering in the cold during the rehearsal. The dancing til my feet hurt. Everything was worth it because it meant that the day was perfect for Jordan and Stasia- everything that they had ever dreamt. I am beyond grateful for the friendship I have in Stasia. I am beyond grateful for the beauty I saw reflected in every aspect of their wedding. I am beyond grateful for the new friends I made with those in the bridal party. And I am more than ever excited for when the day is mine and my Beloved’s.

For me, these many weddings I have attended or been a part of the past 3-4 years have been worth it [20+ in all] . To see many of them like Jordan and Stasia enter into Christ-centered, holy marriage makes it worth. What I saw yesterday was rare. It was beautiful. It makes it worth the wait.

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My 9/11 story.

On By MJIn ThoughtsLeave a comment

I remember it so clearly. I remember waking up thinking nothing of the day to come. I remember going to school…I remember sitting in my math class at Harrington Middle School taking a quiz. I hated math then, and still do. It was the fourth period of the day, just after 9am. But more than the quiz, more than getting to school, more than waking up that day, I remember suddenly feeling cold. It happened so fast.

An aid ran into my classroom screaming franticly “GAIL, turn on your radio!” The sheer terror in her voice silenced even more an already quiet room. My teacher did exactly as demanded. Chills ran through my body. Tears of uncertainty and horror and brokenness ran down my cheeks. I felt cold.

Sirens. So many sirens. So many screams. So much confusion.

First we were told it was a car bomb in NYC. Then we were told bombs were exploding all over Manhattan. But very quickly we discovered a gruesome truth, which at the time was still not exact. Several planes were hijacked from Newark, and Boston and other airports in the Northeast. They were used to crash into major buildings for the government all over the metropolis of the United States. Though eventually the truth was more accurate with how many planes and where they came from, but in those moments of listening to the radio in my 4th and 5th period classes, one thought struck me in the heart.

My dad. 

At the time he was a pilot. He flew out of Newark International Airport (now called Newark Liberty International Airport). I knew he was on call that day, that terrible Tuesday, but I had no idea where he was. Frantically I ran to the office at some point, not even sure when, just to try to call home to find out where my dad was. Lines were jammed. I tried and tried but to no avail, my calls could not and would not get through to my house, my church or anything else.

The thought crossed my mind that my dad could have been one of those pilots in one of the planes that crashed in the various locations. I had no idea. Throughout the day, I went to each class. In each class, every teacher had their radios on, every ear striving to hear over the screams and sirens so we could gather a bit more information. All the while, I sat praying silently, maybe even audibly. All I could do was pray. Pray for those voices I heard screaming, not able to imagine their hell. I prayed for those in the planes. I prayed for those in the buildings. I prayed for our President and our country. I had to pray to keep from yelling at my peers that were so apathetic to the tragedy we were facing, even without all the details. I had to pray because I knew kids in my school and district had parents that worked in NYC. I had to pray to keep from completely breaking down.

Prayer was the only thing that got me through that day.

When I got home from school that day at around 2:30 pm, I ran inside, first to be home. Alone. I had no idea where my mom was, or my dad. I knew my sister was at the high school. Had she heard? I tried calling the church again. Nothing. Just silence and a continued misconnecting call. For half an hour I sat weeping watching the news, weeping watching recapped footage of people jumping from the towers, the buildings collapsing, the Pentagon getting hit, and a the plane crashing in PA. I wept because I had just seen the Towers in all their glory a few days before the attacks. I wept because I knew thousands of people had undoubtedly perished. I wept because I knew the loss was only the beginning. I wept because I feared for my friends whose parents worked in NYC. 

I broke because I knew that this was a tremendous loss that broke the heart of God. The loss that day wasn’t just in the physical. With the thousands that died, there were probably so many that didn’t know Jesus truly. Yes, I do believe, however, that God works in ways that we don’t understand and I believe he could have revealed himself to those in the Towers that day. But regardless, I believe that the hate that birthed the attacks that day broke God’s heart.  I also believe that God was so proud of so many that day as they courageously laid their lives down for others, the greatest act of love.

When my sister walked through the door that afternoon, she had barely known of the events that took place. Somehow her school had been pretty good about keeping the attacks hushed for the sake of the students. As she and I sat and watched the news, for what seemed like hours, she broke down and cried. From what I can remember, that was the day she decided her life’s path. She was already in JROTC at the high school. But as she watched the news and as the information became more and more clear, she knew we, as a nation, we were going to go to war for this. Though I don’t remember her exact wording or manner in which she said it, she confidently knew that as of the attacks on September 11th, she would be a chaplain for the soldiers that were inevitably going to war. Now more than a decade later, I sit so proud of my sister who currently in the military with the very soldiers she promised to serve, for the purpose of loving and caring for them in their brokenness, loss, and struggle.

Sometime around dinner, my parents walked through the doors both having clearly been crying. A family friend was supposed to have been on the observation deck of one of the towers. They spent the whole day with his [now ex] wife trying to console her while trying to get in contact with him. Miraculously he got caught up at the hospital nearby as the towers were attacked. He still has a story to tell, one of survival, but not one of complete tragedy. Others from our church were in the towers. One man survived. His story is in this blog post: “Lunch with a Survivor”.

My parents, pastors at our church, had been at the church all day trying to contact people and be with those who were broken. That night as we all sat in sadness and brokenness, we all knew, though unspoken, things were going to change, that this nation would never be the same. 

I knew I would never be the same. 

For me, years later, much has changed, but this is for certain: I cannot forget 9/11. Every year, sometime usually around the holidays, I try to make a trip to NYC, where I take a few moments at the memorial site to pray for the survivors and families of those killed. Its part of me. It has shaped how I view my country. I am patriot, but more, I am someone who loves the LORD and I believe that watching the loss of 9/11 sparked a determination in me to love people. Not just superficially, but deeply, like that of my Savior. A love that, if necessary, I lay my life down for the sake of another.  It shaped how I look at loss and how I treat those who’ve lost. The images from the day, the sounds from that day, are forever marked in my memory and on my heart. I never want to become apathetic to loss of any kind. I never want to become numb to pain or brokenness. I want to be compassionate and loving to everyone, no matter who they are, no matter the cost.

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The Blurred Lines Of Real Manhood (Robin Thicke, I’m Looking In Your Direction)

On By MJIn Thoughts1 Comment

FANTASTIC take on the VMAs this year regarding the unspoken issue of Robin Thicke, instead of focusing the attention on Miley Cyrus. Yes, there are a ton of issues I have with Miley’s performance, but none started with her act on Sunday night… it is much deeper. Here is a great post on some of those rooted issues.

johndpav's avatarjohn pavlovitz

RobinThicke

Ever since the VMA debacle a few days ago, there’s been one filthy word that’s been on everyone’s lips, blog posts, and cubicle commentary:

Miley.

The social media universe has been bombarded with all sorts of passionate takes and slants:

The Disgrace of Miley.
A Letter To Miley.
My Daughter Is Miley.
I’m Praying For Miley.

Miley, Miley, Miley.

I’m a little sick of it, to be honest.

Sure, Cyrus’ sad degeneration from fresh-faced, bright-eyed child star, to flesh-flashing, attention-grabbing party girl is well documented, and it’s certainly warranted to question her emotional state or her career choices lately.

However, the last time I checked, it takes two to tango, (or whatever it was that Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus were doing onstage last Sunday). Yet once again, the culpability, the disdain, the moral outrage, has been reserved only for the woman, while the man involved remains unscathed; a teflon…

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I have nothing.

On By MJIn Thoughts1 Comment

I am very quickly learning faith. Not just a faith that says “yes, I believe in God” or “things will work out”. I am learning faith in its raw form. Its the kind of faith that desperately says to God, “I have nothing left. You have to do something.” 

That is where I am at right now. I made the decision a few weeks ago to follow through with officially resigning from my position at my church as youth pastor. For the past several months, I have known that God has been making it clear for me to leave, but I’ve been waiting on the timing. Part of the timing now was because I had applied to some different jobs a few weeks ago, all of which I was qualified for and even thought there was a great chance for me to get hired. The transition, if hired, would be rather quick, and I didn’t want to abandon my ministry in the midst of chaos. However, I was not hired at any of those jobs. Despite the disappointment of my confused pursuit of these jobs, I decided to still follow through with my resignation. Today, I stood before my church and explained to them my reason for leaving… faith. 

The reality is that I have no plan. I do not know what God is going to do, but I believe He is the one that has led me to this transition. I believe He is the one that confirmed closing of this chapter in my life. Before when I was planning on leaving, I had a game-plan because I thought I had somewhere to go to when I leave. But now, two weeks out from my last day and last paycheck from the church, with a lot of uncertainty before me, I only have faith. Logically this won’t work out for me. Logically, this will not only be difficult, it will end up with me missing bills or over drafting my account or even needing to cut my lease at my apartment. Good thing God doesn’t need our logic. When He asks us to trust Him logic goes out the door and faith is left. 

“How much do you trust me? How much do you believe that I can do great things?” 

That is exactly what I feel God has been asking me for months. Those are the questions I feel God is asking me to answer, for real. If I really believe God is leading me to this unknown, then I have to trust Him entirely. I have to trust that He is not only able, but He is powerful to provide for my every need. This is extremely difficult. I like having a plan, even with being a spontaneous person as I am. I like knowing some details, specifically how I am going to pay rent,   utilities and school loans, buy groceries, fill up with gas, and have some remnant of a social life. Even my involvement with a  ministry I’m involved with, xxxChurch, will be on the line. Financially paying my team “offering”, paying for the mission trip to Toronto in October, and any other expenses will be very hard to fund. Come October, my faith will be real… or not. Those bills will need to be paid. Period. But if I believe God is the one leading me, He is the one that will provide the way for me to pay these bills. He is the one I need to trust with the money I will still make from the hours I work at Starbucks. 

Do I trust Him or not? If I believe that God is not only the Creator, but Savior, and capable of miracles and the supernatural, than shouldn’t I, even logically, believe that He is able to do such things in my life? The really beautiful thing about all of this is that there is no way I will be able to take any credit. God has to do something. There is no other option. 

On a final note, a verse that keeps coming up over the past few weeks has continued to challenge me more than ever before. I even wrote about it in my previous post. 

“Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.” [Isaiah 43:19]

God is already working. He is doing something now. My faith needs to be active and engaged, now more than ever. I do not want to miss out on what He is doing because I am worried about my bills or because I am losing 2/3 of income. I do not want to miss out because I am trying to forge an opportunity where God is not birthing.  I want to be engaged in the now, in what He is doing and let Him open the door through which I will walk. He will make a way for me. 

This is faith in the raw. I have nothing left. 

Prayer faith.

On By MJIn Biblical Application, Thoughts2 Comments

We don’t always live our lives believing in our dreams. We dream dreams, but we don’t pursue. We don’t believe they are even possible. Yet, as Christians, we walk around quoting scriptures that God knows, has plans, wants to prosper us, and has great things for us. Do we really believe it? Do we really believe that His words will not come back void? Honestly…most of us will have to answer no.  Most of us don’t live our lives believing that He is able or even desiring to fulfill his promises or our dreams.

In a few moment of honesty, I find myself tonight in deep reflection. I find myself broken and yet hopeful. But moreso I find myself full of thanks for what God has been doing over not just the past few months, but even the past few years. Everything has been part of a plan of preparation, of promise, of purpose.  I have been reading through a devotional book called Draw the Circle.  In summary, the devo is based off the book The Circle Maker.  Both speak on prayer and how all too often we quit on prayers. We think praying for something a few times is enough. We think only reading the Bible is enough. How much do we really believe in the power of prayer and our God?  Reading this book has brought forth so many moments of clarity and brutal honesty to my self. I have been forced to reconcile one major thing: somewhere along the line, I have forgotten that God knows me, cares for me, has plans for me. Beyond that… he knows my heart, my desires, my dreams. Yet somewhere I forgot, or thought they were out of His reach.

Somewhere I stopped believing.

God has been more than faithful. This year God has especially made himself known to me in ways that I never imagined. If someone were to tell me seven, even ten years ago that I’d be walking into porn conventions or strip clubs sharing the love of Christ by simply loving people where they’re at…you never would have been taken seriously. If you were to have told me that I’d travel to so many places around this world, as a teenager I’d think the idea would be great, the reality impractical and impossible. On other realities, if I would have been told as a teenager that I would be [now] a 25 year old single pastor/blogger/photographer/barista I probably would have laughed at you and clearly knew you had no idea what you were talking about. Throughout the last decade God has birthed dreams in my heart, many that are unfolding now, even more that are still yet to pass. Yet I have found myself these past few months especially seeing the little unspoken things of my heart come forth. Why? Because HE IS FAITHFUL. To me, its almost as if God knows that if He were to give me the big dreams now, I wouldn’t have as much appreciation for them. But by him slowing but surely bringing things to fruition, he is gently reminding me that he has not forgotten, that he is able, and than he knows my heart.

Yes my plans look differently now. Even over the next few weeks, some big things are happening that could change everything for me. My life looks differently than what I dreamt up years ago, yet I still know that He is God. Just one example of his faithfulness has been an almost 12 year long dream come to pass this year. It began with simply sending an email, thinking that nothing would come from my inquiry, yet within just a few days, I received a call from a woman named Kelly. From there, it was as if day by day God was saying “See…I am doing something”. Kelly quickly got me involved with the very industry that I have been aching to be a part of… the sex industry. Yes, I am aware that it seems by my wording that I want to be a part of the industry, but the reality is, God opened doors for me to be able to walk right into strip clubs, the dressing rooms, porn conventions, human trafficking events, and trainings, all because of prayers I prayed over several years. Even now, God has opened more doors with the organization and its parent organization. God never forgot. He just wanted things on His timing, because He knew it would be better. Yet even with this faithfulness that has been undoubtedly from Him, a part of me has still been struggling, wondering when God would act on other desires I had.

Just more than a week ago, on several occasions, one verse has come up, each time challenging me in ways that I can barely fathom.

“Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.” [Isaiah 43:19]

I leave you, the reader, with this challenge, do you believe God and His words? Do you believe that if He is indeed the God of the Bible- the one who performed so many miracles- do you believe that He is able to take care of you? Do you believe that He knows your heart, your dreams, your desires, your worries, your fears? He knows you. Period. Trust Him. Put your faith in Him. I encourage you, pick up a copy of Draw the Circle… it will challenge you in so many ways. It’ll test your prayer faith. This past year, especially, has been a season that has affirmed one thing very strongly: God is steadfast, He’s not going anywhere, and He deeply cares and loves me.

Christians don’t wait for “I do” anymore…

On By MJIn ThoughtsLeave a comment

Let me just preface what I’m about to discuss by saying that I sincerely do not mean any of this in judgment, legalism, bitterness, or whatever else could be labeled. Simply, this is my heart, one that is burdened, broken, and sad for Christians today.

I have noticed something over the past few years and frankly I’m increasingly getting more and more broken by this… I know its a touchy subject. I know that many of my friends fall into this category. But I have to believe God’s intent is completely different for us….

Sex. The one word so many churches refuse to speak about yet so many Christians in their 20’s and younger not only joke about it like its nothing, but also for many have no conviction about acting out sexually. Just a decade or so ago was the major movement of the “True Love Waits” push. I know so many people that took the pledge, either “True Love Waits” or another, to remain pure until marriage by abstaining from sex until their long awaited wedding night. Now that a generation of teenagers that took the pledge for purity have reached the 20’s something category, I am beginning to see that so many aren’t waiting. This isn’t to bash on movements to promote abstinence, purity, etc. but I think something huge has been missing: God’s heart and intent for his Creation.  For so long the Church has pushed for purity [meaning no sex] and have, in the process, made sex look dirty, bad, and something to be fearful and ashamed of. But even more I am now seeing a trend with Christians in their 20’s that are no long not waiting for marriage to have sex, but they’re living together, justifying pornography, and other sexual deviations. I’m not getting into the entirety of sexuality. Honestly, I just wanted to share why this makes me so sad.

I think what triggered this burden more lately is that several friends of mine, close Christian friends of mine, have justified sleeping with their boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, and even justifying “friends with benefits” and hook-ups. Despite the stigma that has been labeled by the Church on a lot of things, I do believe that sex is still a something worth waiting for because I believe that is how God designed it. I have to believe that this is far from God’s intention for us sexually. Not because sexual acts outside of marriage make us horrible people, but because God’s intention was sexuality for marriage alone. He understands the fragility that comes with sex, the attachment that comes even just kissing. He understands the shame that come from it. He also understands the joy and passion and beauty. And I will say this, he knows that even unmarried sex is fun, beautiful, passionate, etc. but that’s not his intention. God designed sex for marriage, between man and woman- for it to be sacred, holy, pure, passionate, and ultimately honoring him in the process. I know that may sound crazy but I believe that’s how he designed it because in doing so, it removes so much stress, burden, shame, heartache that comes with sex outside this context. Humanity and sexuality are fractured and broken. He gets it. That all came with sin in Eden.

I really don’t believe God wants couples, Christian or otherwise, to sleep together before marriage. I’ll take it a step further. I don’t think he wants couples to engage in sexual behavior before marriage, even if there isn’t sexual intercourse. I say this simply because he wants his Church, including those that may be living in some area of sexual behavior outside his context, to honor him with their body. To serve him with their commitment. Its not about legalism or following some list of do’s and don’ts. Instead I believe its about wanting to honor God humbly, sacrificing if necessary the physical desire to honor the spiritual- as a form of worship. To be able to try your hardest to be “pure and blameless and above reproach”. I wish the group of 20 somethings, that as teenagers had made the “True Love Waits” commitment, could all still be able to say “I do” knowing that they had waited for only him or only her.  The waiting honors God but also your future spouse, even if your future spouse is already the person you are dating or engaged to. It prevents a ton of emotional baggage and drama that can come with sexual partner [s] that are not the spouse. It prevents the obvious of sexually transmitted diseases as well as pregnancies- we all took health class, so I don’t need to go into detail on this.

You can look into the Bible and even see how screwed up things got when they had multiple spouses, sex outside of marriage, when people perverted sex, when women were raped, when men were raped, and the list goes on.  When people sinned sexually on any level there were always consequences and some level of brokenness reached, I believe, because it was another part of God’s heart breaking. Breaking because he sees over and over again people not valuing their bodies, valuing sex [the most intimate connection anyone can have],  not valuing purity or holiness, and seeing a broken covenant of another person taking “the apple”.  So as I end my thoughts on this subject let me just encourage you. Maybe you’re upset at my opinion on this matter. Frankly, its not my opinion but what the Word talks about sexuality and God’s design. Maybe you’re living with someone. Maybe you’re having sex with someone you’re dating/engaged to. Maybe you’re hooking up just because. Maybe its only some sexual behavior but not everything… though to be honest, that usually doesn’t last very long before everything is up on the table.

Jesus loves you. Yes, you, the one with the sexual stuff going on that “the church” would look down on. Yes I believe sex outside of marriage is sin. I believe it is not the way or intention of how God designed it. But I believe God also understands that it is very difficult to honor him and our bodies in a culture that honors neither. Regardless of your sexual history, maybe make the decision to strive for ‘sexual purity’ now… a way of abstaining from sex for the sake of self-edification and honoring God. Its possible to be a 20-something and not have sex. Yeah I promise you it is possible… as difficult as it to be a 25 year old, I can say in confidence that, despite the difficulty it has been to not have sex, I am a virgin. I look forward to the day where I can tell my husband “I waited for only you”. I look forward to the day where I can say to some man, that despite my struggle or mess ups along the way, I am his entirely. I don’t say this to judge you or make you feel bad about your sexual history but instead to encourage you that you can start now, restored and honoring God again with your body and heart…the way he created us to be long ago. I’m not saying its easy but I’m saying its possible. He longs for your to love him wholly and completely and that means removing sin from your life…. including I believe the most difficult and damaging of sin… sexual. He loves you and beckons you to receive his love.

to “Love the LORD your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength”.

Christians reading this, whatever your story, whatever your history, don’t be afraid to admit that you’ve been sinning. Don’t be afraid to own up to it and take a step forward to renewal and restoration. Don’t ignore the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Sex is a big deal and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Wait for “I do” no matter how long that takes. Wait for God to work out his plan in your life. Wait, not because its the right thing to do, but because it honors God, honors your body, and honors your future spouse. And it can show the world what beautiful, God-centered relationships and marriages look like- ones founded on purity, honor, and holiness.

And for my friends who might read this, the ones who don’t share my faith: I know this may not make much sense to you. Not believing in God the way I do takes away a lot of the incentive to wait for sex. So let me say this instead. You are worth more than a one night stand, hook-up, casual sex, even sex with the person you’re dating. You are worth more than putting your value on how good you are in bed or what your sexual partners have to say about you. You matter. So next time you are in the situation where you are getting physical with someone, all I ask is that you remember that you are worth far more than you realize.

Bless the LORD oh my soul

On By MJIn Thoughts1 Comment

I cannot even begin to express how much this song has become my anthem. If you haven’t heard it take a moment and listen to the link I posted. Its a cover of my friend singing 10,000 Reasons…

I feel as though I am in a place where my faith is surely being stretched and, many times, my flesh wanting to quit. This has become an often reoccurring feeling. To just be done… with all of it. I know in the grand scheme of things looking at the problems other people have, I still have it pretty good- but that does not negate the difficulty I am facing. For the past two months specifically I cannot even begin to tell you how badly my finances have become because of mis-charges on my account, extra charging of my account, increase of ALL of my loan payments, etc. Yeah not huge things that will ruin my life, but it sure as heck does not make anything close to being easy. I pay my tithe… loans go up by several hundred dollars a month. I donate money to missions… PSE&G over charges my account by a few hundred dollars. I go on a mission trip to outreach to the sex industry…a certain AC casino falsely charged my account of over $500. This has all been in just the past month.

In fact I have had to really trust God. It goes beyond my finances.

The continued thorn in my side with my right foot and ankle is back again for another chapter in its own saga. With being on my feet all day practically everyday at Starbucks, my foot and ankle swell, not unlike a full term pregnant woman or that of someone obese. But just my right foot and ankle. Its uncomfortable. It hurts. I’m stuck with it. Not to mention the residual effects of having had pneumonia for 2 months and I guess my body still fighting something.

My sister is deployed to the Middle East. Yeah, I am so incredible proud of her. I am honored to have her as my sister. I believe in what she is doing, even if it may not be the popular vote. But I cannot separate the fact that we lost a friend in Afghanistan last year. He was KIA after saving his men from Taliban fire. Though I want to believe that she will return home safely, in one piece, the same as she left, I know that there is always the possibility of something else. A different ending to the story. I pray for her every single day praying that God protects her yet at the same time he being glorified.

But this is not just about me. The story is so much bigger than me.  Last week tornadoes struck Moore, OK killing many and devastating the region. People are homeless, jobless, school-less. A woman at church needs a kidney transplant. My friend in Korea is having a really difficult time because both her mom and aunt, both of which live in the USA, have cancer and she can’t say goodbye. Somewhere in the world, near and far, people are without: shoes, clothes, food, warmth, water. Somewhere people make the sacrifice of which kid gets to eat. Somewhere a difficult decision is being made to take someone off life support. Somewhere someone’s marriage is ending.

You see, no matter who you are, your problems will look different than my problems. Whether they are caused by natural disaster, personal [bad] choices,  someone else’s choices, or just humanity in general, we each have them. The difference is the response we can give when these things happen. When things are not going our way. When things are so difficult we want to quit. When things are so hard, we just want life to stop. When things are so far from being understood we want to blame and yell and be angry.

When David, the king of Israel, wrote Psalm 103, the inspiration for the song, he wrote it most likely at the end of his life when things hadn’t gone so well. Many times because of sin and selfishness or simple neglect, David had to get through and overcome difficulty. Other times, David had to fight for victory, flee for his life, and only rely on his trust in the Lord to get him through the struggle. By writing “Bless the Lord oh my soul” he was saying that because despite anything he had gone through, regardless the reason, he could worship the Lord and believe that God was with him. He was not forgotten. It didn’t mean he understood reasons for why things happen the way they do, but it meant that no matter what… he would still worship God.

Yeah… this is my anthem.