Pneumonia and the blessing it has been.

On January 28, 2013December 3, 2014 By MJIn ThoughtsLeave a comment

I’m not gonna lie, but some of this is somewhat embarrassing to share with you [whoever you are]. As anyone who reads my blog might know, last year I was training hard physically for a Tough Mudder, to which I completed at the end of October. I was in great shape and knew I had pushed myself harder than ever in my life. However, immediately following the Mudder, I found out I had pneumonia. For anyone that has never had it, it is not something I would ever wish upon anyone. It isn’t that you feel so horrible. The problem is that you feel like you have a never ending cold, slight headache and are ALWAYS out of energy. Oh and not to mention, a constant feeling of somewhat drowning. So for the last week of October and whole month of November I was at my worst with this wretched sickness. Drugged with 3 different anti-biotics, including a super intense cough medicine with codeine, I was slowly recovering from my illness. In the beginning of December, I had been given an opportunity to go to Haiti and see what Convoy of Hope does there post-earthquake recovery. Though I was just getting over my sickness, I felt there was nothing short of being in the hospital that would keep me from that trip. So I went…

One thing for sure is that I am a very impatient person. I was so [ironically] restless waiting to recover. Having worked out so much and gotten used to running 4 miles or more, I was so ready to get back into the gym. However, my body fought me and won…it was simply not ready to return to the gym. Of course, I learned it the hard way attempting to workout the middle two weeks in December. As Christmas came along, I was starting to feel closer to 100%. But as the week moved past Christmas, my body simply had exhausted itself. Between the remnant of the pneumonia, traveling to Haiti then to Kentucky for Christmas, and over working my body for those two weeks, my body crashed…again, and bad. It was as if I was back in that last week of October at my worst. My coughing attack returned. My lungs felt like they were slowly filling with fluid. My body was weak. And bonus… a migraine came in full force. My new year started off with, through a series of events, being unable to fly to Israel as planned to photograph a friend’s wedding and being stranded in Kentucky with my sister and her husband [don’t get me wrong- I loved getting to see them]…and the cherry on top of it all was the return of all the symptoms of pneumonia. The funny and ironic thing is that had I made it on the flight to Israel, I would have been very sick for my friend’s wedding and probably have just wasted my time there. God knew I guess. Returning back to Jersey, I figured I would give myself a week or so to fully recover and try working out again. I came dangerously close to staying sick. It seemed like I couldn’t shake the cough, headache, sinus pressure or the weakness.

So now here I am…exposing myself to some mild embarrassment [don’t worry…I’ll get over it]. In these months of struggling to regain my health paired with the holidays… I find myself frustrated and mildly angry at my current state. I have gained what looks like [at least in my head] 20 pounds, yet feels like 50 [definitely not an accurate number]. I find my clothes not fitting right. Beyond all of that, I find myself upset that for a year, I trained for the Mudder and pushed myself. I was in great shape and now… just a few months since and you can’t even tell. I don’t feel like I’m in shape, though I know I am still relatively okay. As I just said, I have gained weight, around 10-12 pounds- and I notice more than anyone -as most people probably do with their own flaws… we are our own worst critics. Knowing that this year I want to do the Tri-State Tough Mudder again and train for a 10k or half-marathon, as well as regular 5ks, etc. my health is something that just needs to improve.

It is so discouraging looking at pictures of myself right before my Mudder and a picture from a week ago… I feel defeated. Last year was a year I devoted to being diligent and disciplined to fitness only to end the year [and start this year] worse than I began it.

But I hear a still, soft voice. A whisper.

God knows my heart. He knows the discipline, the sweat, the literal tears, the literal blood, the bruises, the pain, the energy I put into last year as a whole. He knows that in my weakness, only He can make me strong. He’s been speaking to me so much lately about that idea- letting him build me up, and work in my life, especially through the things I have no control over. It means being disciplined at times in silence and rest. It means learning patience. I will return to my workouts, this time, slowly bringing myself back up to speed. But during this time I cannot forget that rest is crucial. A sabbath every once in a while, at minimum to just simply relax and to rest in Him.

My only encouragement to you, the reader, is to just rest. You may be going through difficulty right now. You may be sick. You may just be in a weird place emotionally, spiritually, whatever. Try to rest in God and let him just renew you- your mind, your strength, your spirit. Maybe healing from heartbreak, loss of a loved one, busy job, or something else. He can be that healing- he is that healing. He is that renewal. I know that these past 3 months have been frustrating being sick, gaining way, and not necessarily feeling beautiful all the time- yet I know God is my God and he is for me. But he also longs for me. With being sick, I have spent a lot of time just reading my Bible, praying, or just talking to him. I have learned what it looks like and feels like for me to just rest in Him. A peace. I will maintain that peace and that rest while slowly but surely continuing in the discipline to workout, but I know that in all of that, He is my strength. My everything. My all.

Wisdom from myself…a year ago.

On January 27, 2013January 29, 2013 By MJIn ThoughtsLeave a comment

Thought I would share this letter with you.

Stop and breathe for a second. Realize this: God has done so much for you. He hasn’t left you, forgotten about you, or given up on you. Be still in His presence. This past year, 2011, was quite different and presented you with challenges. But you overcame them. At the beginning of the year you compromised, loved your flesh, and acted stupid. Stupid, immature, and disobedient to God. I’m not trying to be harsh with you but remind you that God is your everything and deserves your love, obedience, and honor. Because of your Flesh, yet brokenness before God, you were able to see His purposes. God reaffirmed so much within your heart. Refinement is probably one of the best words to use. Sometimes, Satan tries to distract you with things that look good or right. Like last year, he deceived you. Don’t worry, you grew stronger. Do you remember? STRONGER because your God has a purpose for your life. Plans, promise, and an anointing. He made you strong. For a majority of the year, as a sacrifice and way to allow more of the LORD to move in your life, you went on a dating fast/man-cation/sabbatical. To be honest, it was very hard. You wanted to quit. You wanted to be just a normal 20-something. But God constantly reminded you that he had more. Do you understand what that means for you, even now? HE HAS MORE FOR YOU! Part of that fast was to focus on him, but another part of it was to become the woman of God you are called to become.

Fall in love with God. Be captivated by His love. Fall in love, more, with your still unknown husband. No substitute. But your husband- your Beloved- is worth the sacrifices, frustrations, and even temporary lonliness. That is one of the greatest things God has showed you. Never forget that. You are beautiful and part of God’s GLORIOUS CREATION. No one can tell you otherwise. You are called, by his grace and love, and cannot be stopped, except by your own self-defeat. So my advice to you is simply this: Don’t quit. even if you’re alone or feel abandoned. Persevere with any and all things God has called you. Serve God, first and foremost. Refinement may appear as suffering or pain but it is bringing forth God’s beauty more inside of you. Run. I mean it really. Run. RUN! Be free to use your body for His glory but honor God in the process. 2012 will be a challenge for you and by the time you read this, you’ll know. But press on. All the physical challenges- be disciplined. Spiritually…be disciplined! More than that, serve God- with that comes the heart of excellence.

So my challenge is simple. Do it. Run, in life, with dedication to God, rely on the godly men and women He has placed in your life, and live abundantly, not in success or wealth necessarily, but making the most out of the life God has give YOU! Follow His voice and calling…ALWAYS. Even if you working as a missionary, paid minimum wages, or still remain at your job, follow Him. Single, dating, or married, follow Him. Be relentless in your walk with God. I’m not sure what else to say to you, but my prayer and hope for you is that when you read this letter, you are reminded of God’s goodness, provision, love, promise, and purpose. Take 2013 by the storm, moving in His passion, anointing, and joy. 2011 was an overall great year, with many challenges. 2012 will be better. Embrace this year. Live life abundantly.

Atlantic City Exxxotica 2013

On January 23, 2013 By MJIn ThoughtsLeave a comment

Atlantic City Exxxotica 2013

I’d love your help! I am going to AC for a missions trip with a unique opportunity to bring the love of Jesus…to a porn convention.

Rare gem.

On January 14, 2013January 14, 2013 By MJIn ThoughtsLeave a comment

I find myself wide awake tonight…probably because I took an hour nap this afternoon. Yet,I have something on my mind. Have you ever met someone- the kind of person you cannot easily forget? There are those rare people in this world that are so few in existence that to forget them is nearly impossible because of the impact they have made on your heart and soul. You might know the person very well- maybe for years. You might know them because of what they stand for and you share in agreement with them. You might have only encountered them briefly…yet in those few moments you knew that there was something significant and different about that person. It may be a missionary you met, a friend, a professor or a stranger. But I hope one day you can meet one of those rare gems… the kind that shine no matter what, the kind that reveal beauty about the LORD, the kind that change you even in their passing by, the kind you cannot bring yourself to forget. The kind of person that will change the world for the better, regardless the length you were blessed by their presence and friendship.

I want to be one of those gems, the rare kind of person, that leaves their beauty and mark wherever they go. Someone remembered by the subtleties, the “behind the scenes” things I do, the things I do out of the overflow of my heart and not the pouring out of my pride. In my life, I have met a few of these people, and I can hope to embody at least some of that beauty and legacy.

Fantine dreamed a dream…a reality still today

On January 8, 2013May 18, 2020 By MJIn ThoughtsLeave a comment

Life has killed the dream…I dreamed!

Today, I watched in amazement at the movie musical of Les Miserables. The passion, the power, the inspiration that is brought to the table while you watch the musical…jaw dropping. This is not a review of the movie, at least not intentionally, but I do want to commend the entire cast and crew at a powerful production.

Probably the most famous song of the musical is the song “I dreamed a dream”. As Anne Hathaway sang the song, I felt the emotion of what Fantine [her character] would have felt. I felt the brokenness, the heartache, the bitterness, and above all the loss. I found myself during her song…actually crying. For anyone who knows me well knows it takes a lot for me to cry in a movie. That song did it.

For anyone that hasn’t seen the musical [or movie version], Fantine is a younger single mother who loses her job and left destitute having her daughter kept with a corrupt innkeeper. She is desperate, lost, and broken. Her vulnerability was exploited. She cut off all her hair for a mere 10 Franks. She had teeth removed for more Franks. The pinnacle of her despair led her to being forced into prostitution. After her first sexual encounter, she is left weeping, broken, and shamed. She had a dream that was lost that day. At one point before the song (where she first prostitutes herself), she actually sings “they don’t even know they make love with someone already dead…” [referring to the men she has to sleep with].

During that song, my heart sank deeply. Though Fantine is not real, her story is very much alive. She represents a group of women and girls, and even men and boys, all over the world that are forced to leave behind any dreams of a better life to service someone sexually. They no longer live, but walk as empty vessels. No hope. No dream. Nothing. Empty. As Fantine sang, “someone already dead”. No woman or girl [or anyone for that matter] should ever have to go through that hell. No one should have to resort to sexual slavery, whether by choice or force or because of circumstance. It is hell on earth. Something needs to be done for the women (and men) walking dead like Fantine. Victims of a broken world. Lost and nameless to most. But they still matter.

What if we can instill hope? What if we can inspire? What if one of those women or girls, men and boys dreamed again…? What if life actually hasn’t killed their dream? What if they could be restored?

9 Inches gone.

On January 4, 2013 By MJIn ThoughtsLeave a comment

Every few years I try to do something. Its nothing incredible or noteworthy, but its something that I can do. Cancer patients all the time are faced with a number of battles, including just trying to survive. Yet, something I found that I could actually help with- nearly a decade ago- is simply cutting off my hair to be made a wig. By me cutting of my blonde hair- undyed, unbleached, natural, virgin blonde hair- I can give some bit of encouragement in someone’s darkest days. It may be a wig, but it can definitely bring about a sense of pride and esteem that might have been lost along the battle.

12327_534030592418_6832957_n — Before picture [Spring 2008]

Before & After [January 4, 2013- 9 Inches] — Before & After
[January 4, 2013- 9 Inches]

This changes me every time. Not just my hair, image, or how it shapes my face. It changes me deeply.

Where the Gospel Fails

On December 19, 2012 By MJIn ThoughtsLeave a comment

Truth.

Fencing With Ink

Christians amuse me sometimes. I’ve seen people try to tell someone that (enter hotly-debated topic here) is wrong and the other person doesn’t buy it. Then they turn to their friends with this shocked look on their face, like, “It’s as though what God says isn’t important to them!”

I just want to shake them sometimes and say very clearly, “People who aren’t Christians don’t do what the Bible says to do!” Here’s an illustration from my own life (see, I can make fun of people if I do the same thing. It’s not hypocrisy if it’s funny).

My friend and I were arguing about open marriages–she for it and I against it. We’d gone on for many minutes about the definitions of love and marriage and so forth. But quite suddenly, I realized that every reason I had against open marriage stemmed from my belief in God. What God…

View original post 648 more words

This world is broken. Simply put, we need Jesus.

On December 15, 2012December 15, 2012 By MJIn ThoughtsLeave a comment

The past 24 hours have been bleak.

Last night, as I was in the process of unloading a van for moving back in with my parents, I heard a loud sound and horn somewhat distant from me. I ignored it because I was busy. I had already been packing and unpacking since 8am and it was, by this point after 10pm. I thought it might have been an accident but because I didn’t hear anything beyond the initial sound, I shrugged and continued on my way, eager to finish my task and go to sleep. However, sleep did not come for several more hours. Within minutes of hearing the sound, the street that goes alongside my house was filled with half a dozen cop cars, one EMT unit, an ambulance, a firetruck and various other vehicles. Right behind my house, not somewhere distant, a lone car had violently crashed into a large pole, bringing it to the ground, meanwhile the car flipped over and was laying on its roof. No doubt that car had become airborne. Seeing the car in the same it was, with the limited lighting from the stars and car lights, it wasn’t promising. What broke my heart even more was the fact that after half an hour of firemen looking at the car, cops looking in the trees and ditches around, and talking… the ambulance just simply drove away. The person died, so it seems. Just like that. I heard the sound. And the one time I decide to not check on the sound just to make sure, a life was [most likely] lost.

Today while cleaning my apartment, to which I have now turned in the keys for, I took a break and went on Facebook. To my shock, I saw the newsfeed full of grief, despair, hopelessness, and loss. Though details are still not concrete, around 27 people were shot at an elementary school in Connecticut- 20 of those victims were children between the ages of 5 and 10. The gunman shot himself. My heart is so deeply saddened. Innocent children brutally murdered. Executed. Lost. Other children left traumatized and broken. To think of the lives they will never get to live. Their families will forever have a whole with the face of Jenny, Luke, or whatever any of their names were.

What breaks my heart more than the loss of those children or the car accident victim last night is that this world is so deeply broken. The core of humanity is the very thing that can bring life or death. Its a matter of the heart. And when we reject Jesus or choose to do things our way, we open up the potential of all kinds of brokenness in our lives. Jesus is a hope that can bring healing, to which those families will all need. I hope they seek him. That they don’t blame Jesus for what happened to their son or daughter today. Jesus is the reason we can live with hope and real life. The gunman was broken too. Whatever his reasoning for his actions today, he was broken. Sin, hopelessness, and living a life without Jesus will lead us all down various roads of brokenness. But the key to everything is that we are broken without Jesus. Some people will choose to, in this case, bring guns into a school and kill children. Others will cheat on their spouse, lie, become a drunkard, rape or molest someone, honestly… the list can go on for pretty long.

I know with the shooting being fresh today in our minds, it can seem like that gunman is the worst person in the world. And to those families that lost their children, he probably will be the worst person to them. But we have to understand something: Jesus is the answer and without him, we are nothing but lost, broken people. Whatever your hurt might be tonight, whether you’re grieving over the loss of those children, or an accident like last night, or your marriage is falling apart, or life is just hard… give Jesus a chance at showing you how beautiful and incredible he is and can be in your life. He can heal your hurt, free you from addictions, restore broken relationships in your life, and so much more. He loves you… deeply he loves you. And he aches for us to respond to that love. To live a life, to the best we can, letting him heal our brokenness. He is the answer to what we need.

Where heroes lay…

On December 4, 2012May 27, 2014 By MJIn Thoughts1 Comment

I cannot help but be grateful. Grateful is not even a word that brings justice to how I feel. As I walked through Arlington National Cemetery, I had one of the most sobering experiences of my life. Grave after grave, tombstone after tombstone, I walked silently crying. These were not simple decorations or even just memorials. Memorials used to mean something- something significant happened or someone did something extraordinary. They are not landmarks. They are symbols, jewels of history. Walking the mile, so it seemed, to my friend’s gravesite, I had this sense of respect, honor, and legacy that I have never felt before. Those men and women buried there were not mere men or women. They were not ordinary. They lived and died in purpose, with a cause birthed in their hearts. America. Family. Friends. Brotherhood. Freedoom. Whatever their reason, it was enough for them to lay it all down. To the point of death, it mattered that much. Yes, I am aware that not every person buried in Arlington died in action or due to injuries post war, but for the vast majority, they lived with purpose, and died with abandon. I believe they are heroes. I have the utmost respect for soldiers of any branch of service. It involves sacrifice to a degree. But seeing a soldier’s grave, like my friend’s, reminds me so much more of sacrifice worth having, one that impacts history, leaves a legacy, and saves lives. My friend died protecting his men. He died in the service of freedom and honor. Thank you to all soldiers out there.