Three years ago I stepped out into an unknown adventure. Three years ago I walked toward a journey that would completely change my life. Three years ago I met people that would become so incredibly important.  On June 7, 2009 I left the United States for Italy to work with a sports organization in their internship that, little to my knowledge, would absolutely change my life. My entire summer was spent with a group of 14 other interns and some staff. We had fun, we played sports, went running… we prayed together, worshipped together…we wanted to kill each other [at times], laugh with each other, and cry with each other. Those 14 people became people that have become part of my most intimate community. That is what this is about… community.  Community is about common unity… Jesus Christ being the central thing in each of our lives. We each have stories that we came from, but that summer brought 15 completely opposite and yet so similar people together in a crazy way. We became a family. We became a unit of people believers, though sometimes fractured, wounded, or guarded.

Now three years since our return from Italy and I am still amazed. With so much that has happened- drama, breakups, fights….pretty much normal dysfunction and yet so much fun, excitement, and ridiculous memories, this one weekend reminded me of what I have that is taken for granted. God has gifted me with this incredible group of people that few people can understand or relate to simply because of our experiences in Italy.

This weekend brought us all together. From arriving to Atlanta to driving down to Mariana, FL, us girls chatted about life, love, and…Justin Bieber. Yes that happened, on replay multiple times. When we arrived, we found out our beloved guys from the team paid for us a hotel room at Quality Inn where we all proceeded to hang out, share memories, laugh, and just be among friends that matter. We were joined by a few others from other the following years’ internship groups. They joined in the memories, the jokes, and the laughter. Only a group of close-knit friends could have relationships as we do, and yet so quickly add family members like we did from the other teams. With a trip to Walmart to grab, of course, basic necessities for us like a nose ring, sunglasses, hair mouse, and don’t forget a gift card for the happy couple…we still maintained our familial presence.

And yet only a group of 20-somethings from 3 different years of internships from all over the country [and some around the world] could come together at a Southern country wedding that had to have been Pinterest-designed. We danced, we laughed, but more than that we saw our two beloved friends- the ones who were the reason we all flew from literally all over the country- from California to New Jersey [yours truly] to Oklahoma- to see people that we so deeply cherish tie the knot under the beauty and sacredness of Godly marriage. Only in true community would you find a group of 10 people that come from all over the States to pray for a couple in blessing their marriage. In taking funny pictures for them and bringing the bride and groom to tears because of the beauty of our bond as friends and family. And then even today, as I rode back to Atlanta, not with my original group, but two of the newly inducted family members from the second year, I felt just as much communion with them. I found myself at the end of the journey with the final member from this group as we sat in an Atlanta Burger King. Instead of me waiting in the airport for 5 hours, he prolonged his long journey back home and continued the same community we all had during the weekend. We ended up chatting for 3 of those hours in this Burger King about God, our testimonies, and memories from various adventures. Only in true community can that happen.

I leave you with something, and believe me, its nothing profound. Find true community. It is not easy to come by nor is it easy to keep. But if you find a group of people that love the Lord deeply and desire to grow together in that bond- there is your common unity- your foundation. Hold onto that- don’t let go. It is too beautiful of thing to just quit. Live life together. Grow in God together…But be together.

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. 

Some times it is so hard to understand why things happen the way they do. There is so much hurt and brokenness in this world. There is much pain and sorrow. Suffering, heartache, and loss.

I find myself with red eyes with puffy bags under them. Having cried off and on all day, my eyes know all to well the feeling of dryness and haze. But before continuing with the “why” for my tears, I need to explain the story leading up to this day.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine, a former classmate and now godly Christian woman, Michelle, called me to inform me of one of our peers being in the hospital. It was Drew Endicott. The thing is that I knew that name very much. I remember him from high school and even the years before. I remember the friends he had, none of which were close friends of mine. But I also remember seeing Drew the last time I actually saw him. At LA Fitness, where I regularly workout, I remembered on several occasions seeing Drew and his friend Matt working out. I recognized both, knowing that they most likely had no clue who I was. There were so many times that I had planned on walking up to Drew and Matt to say hello and engage in conversation- you know, the catch up kind with someone you were not actually friends with but feel obligated to respond. Even though I knew we were never friends in high school, and they may not have even recognized me, I felt like I needed to talk to both Drew and Matt.

You see for me, there is something that has always been foundational in my life: my relationship with God. It has and always will remain the most important part of life. The reason that I wanted to talk to Drew, and even Matt, was for one main reason: last I knew was that neither believed in the same hope that I do in Jesus. Since graduation day in 2006, I have been praying for my senior class. Yes, that might sound crazy. And hey, for any of you from my graduating class who might actually read this, I have prayed for you. You may not know me well. We may not be friends. But since graduation I have been praying for each of you to know the same love and hope that I have in Jesus- a faithful God.

Drew was among those that I had been praying for- to come to know Jesus. When I finally worked up the nerve to talk to him…I found out he was not coming back to the gym, that he was in the hospital, in a coma, on life support… and now that opportunity was missed forever. Today he passed away at 1:30 this afternoon.

My reason for sharing all this back-story is for you to understand something. God’s love is deep and far beyond our understanding. I don’t understand why God didn’t heal Drew and make that an incredible testimony for him to have. I wish that could have happened. But I also know that God can somehow do great things in spite of Drew’s death. Drew is not in pain or suffering anymore. But more importantly, and newly to my knowledge… Drew did come to know the Lord.  In his final moments before going in to a coma, he accepted Jesus to be his Lord and Savior- forgiver of sin and redeemer.  That is where hope and faith come in- when all else seems to not make sense I choose to have faith. I choose to believe that God can bring some sort of good from this situation. Of course I am mad at myself for having not spoken with him or Matt. But God had other plans. For those of you who might read this and knew Drew- God has a purpose.  We may not see the whole picture right now, but hold fast to a promise that God will bring healing, comfort, and restoration.

Trust and seek Jesus. Don’t give up. There is more to your story, and it can end with hope.

Something has really been on my heart lately. I have been thinking about faith, Christianity, religion, and the church. Honestly, I think we are missing something. Where is Jesus? So much of our lives- that is those that confess to believe in Christ and therefore call themselves Christians- are not consumed by Christ. I write this with an extremely heavy and convicted heart.

You see the thing is that if we truly have become believers and that if we truly are Christlike, then that means something very simple -not necessarily easy- we are to be like Jesus, in word and deed. I write all of this with a very heavy heart knowing that I am guilty of not having Jesus at the center of my life, at least not always. I am guilty of being selfish, vain, proud, judging, but also lacking in faith, trust, commitment, and discipline in my walk with Jesus. I have heard fellow Christians talk about church and how it has to be done one way to be right, or its wrong if this happens. I have heard judgment from one church to another. Then I remember…the Church is comprised of imperfect people that have all supposedly encountered Christ. I am not saying that in judgment, I am saying that because the Church is where Christians should be found.

What I have been pondering lately are these two questions: What does it really look like to encounter Christ? If I have encountered him, what does that mean for me? As I write these questions I am reminded of my reasoning for having them. I struggle with the things I listed above. I am terribly imperfect, yet I strive to become more like Christ in spite of my failings. This I know- I have met Christ because I am most certainly not who I was. Though I still struggle, I am new, and made new every day. However something greatly bothers me. As the Church- but more as believers on the individual scale- should not we each encounter Christ personally and let him change us? Renew us? Strengthen us? Purify us?

I am exhausted. Not physically, not mentally, not emotionally, but communally. I am exhausted by being around believers, Christians that say that have encountered Christ yet their words are nothing but gossip, lies, slander, hatred, judgment. I am exhausted by the coarse joking and profanity from Christians. Should not our lips speak love and uplift? Should not our conversations speak life instead of death? I am exhausted from the lack of separation from things that are unfitting for Christians. Should we not strive for purity and holiness? I am exhausted from the vanity, pride, and arrogance from Christians. Should we not build God’s kingdom instead of our own? I understand that I am responsible for this just the same. I have to take responsibility for my own actions, words, and behaviors. But I want to let Christ renew me and remake me. I want to let him change my heart and purify my mind. If then we have encountered Christ, then he will work in our lives completely. If then we have encountered Christ, it will affect our churches and families. Compassion, love, kindness, gentleness, self-control, purity, integrity, and holiness are just some of the attributes that we should have once we have encountered Jesus. We may be works in progress but will be progressing…toward becoming more like Christ every day.

So this weekend I had a really fun opportunity to participate in a 5k run… only the difference is during the run you get covered in paint! It was so fun. Now I have never been remotely close to a great runner, but this weekend I realized something. All the hard work I have put into Insanity paid off- what an incredible surpise! Usually when I run longer than 2 miles… I begin to pant and regret my decision to run. I am out of breath and my legs are tired. BUT… during and after this run, which wasn’t even a race, I was perfectly fine! I wasn’t out of breath nor was I exhausted. In fact, I was full of energy! I am amazed that a month of Insanity has made me a much better runner. I had a blast doing the ColorRun!

I have officially made it into Recovery Week of Insanity- the fifth week of the program with less intense workouts. I am so excited to be doing this and have come this far. One things I have decided to do during this week is to workout at my gym with weight training to maximize my workouts. Let me just say…SORE! But I am so excited to be seeing results.

Today, after my workout with Insanity, I went to my gym and did a 45 minute weight workout for my upper body. I am definitely DEFINITELY sore. But I am learning so much about discipline and focus. Between doing a modified diet, doing Insanity and adding it workouts at my gym, I am starting to see results and I feel good! No GREAT! Throughout this process a few words or phrases constantly push me:

Dig deeper [the catch phrase of Insanity]
Focus
Discipline
Steadfast

I am trying to implement all of this into my daily routine, and allow God to use this workout to teach me more than being fit. Pretty much this is a life lesson. Dig deeper and do your best at anything and everything. Focus on what God has set before you. Discipline your body and your mind to be focused on God- on living a godly life in purity, removing the things that will hold you back, even if only a little. And be steadfast- don’t give up. Be constant, unwavering, and determined in your pursuit of God.

I am utterly amazed. Overjoyed. Overwhelmed.

Somehow God saw fit to use me as an instrument in his plan and a method of bringing hope to people. The funny thing is, it has nothing to do with me at all. Let me explain.

I have been a Christian for years. I have been in church my whole life. But when I was in high school, I finally made an intentional decision to follow Christ- with my lifestyle, with my words, with my personal beliefs. I admit this much: I was [and am] perfectly imperfect, I definitely did not resemble Christ all the time, and I struggled greatly. What I also knew was this: God’s love was gracious to me when I was so undeserving. It was the only thing that got me through some really hard times, especially the times in my life when I felt like no one else was really there for me. Because of His love for me, I felt like the greatest response to that love was to live that love out. During my upperclassmen years of high school, I began to intentionally pray for specific classmates of mine. To this day, that list remains the same. I still pray for these individuals. I believe each of them has an incredible purpose for their life, that God wants to work deeply in them, and take them on the greatest adventure they would ever know. I believed in high school that God placed those people in my life for specific reasons. Most of these people know that I prayed for them, and still do, and many of them do not seem to care.

But I have learned something profound. Do not give up. So many times I felt like it was a waste of my time to reach out to people that seemingly had no care in what I had to say or what I did. Most of the people that I prayed for in high school were not exactly my equals in terms of popularity- they were ones that were heavily involved in school functions, sports, plays, etc. and often I felt like as a Christian, I stood out to many of them more as a self-righteous prude. Honestly, that was not all that false. In my imperfect and fallible way of living out a godly lifestyle, I did not exactly present Christ in the best ways. After graduation, I decided that I would pray for those people more than ever- the specific ones that I believe God had me praying for. To my amazement, God had done wonders. Some of my classmates that I never would have thought to be strong Christians, are so deeply in love with God, their hearts ready to serve him completely.

One by one, the classmates that I spent nights praying for, fasting for, and even weeping for, are turning to God. This isn’t about converting anyone. It is about God’s love shining into the dark areas of our lives and revealing who he really is and who he has created us each to be. My prayers for these classmates were never to be Christians- it was always to become godly men and women, living a lifestyle founded on the Word of God and not on religion or legalism, showing that same love to the world. And I have begun to see this happen. In spite of all of my failed attempts at sharing or showing God’s love, in spite of my sin and selfishness, in spite of sometimes self-righteousness, God decided to still hear my prayers for people that I believed he had created with incredible purpose. In due time, I believe- or at least hope and pray- I will see each of those former classmates come to know, truly know, God- a God who deeply loves them.

Death. Without death- complete death- effective leadership is impossible. Impossible. How then do we attain this leadership if we must experience death? The answer is that we must first experience God and seek His will for us. The first step toward leadership, mainly godly leadership, is understanding that without God we are nothing. From there one can lead others solely on the power and the grace of God. So again, how can we achieve death if it must be achieved to lead? 

Burn your dreams. Tear your heart. Shed your tears. Disappear. Die. 

It is a painfully beautiful process to go through. I now can understand that. Christ died for me. Yes the world in its entirety, but let me just focus on what he did for me and how I must respond. Christ experienced terrible pain and the worst separation from God. Why? It begins with the rebellion of man trying to do things their own way separate from God’s perfect plan. I struggle with this still. I cannot lead others if I am not following God wholeheartedly. I must be wholly God’s first before I can even try to influence the lives of others. Recognizing Christ’s sacrifice in my stead, I need to stop fighting complete death. That was a painful realization for me. I have been resisting God; not all of Him but the areas of my life that I think I can control better I have failed to hand over to God. As a leader, I am not following God very well. Christ says we must daily pick up our cross to follow Him. Ultimately that means that we must give up control to God and allow for him to work in and through us. Death in Christ means releasing our dreams, visions, and passions all to God. 

We then become nothing. That is exactly where God wants us to be. 

God breaks us beautifully. He refines us in the fire. Nothing is left but the true form of what God intends to use from us. The core of leadership means understanding the principle that daily we must go through death and once again allow for God to take control. From that point God will use us to impact the world, not by our power or skill or ability- remember we are nothing. God will take the nothings of this world and proclaim His glory and power through them. God uses our circumstances and experiences in our lives to use in our testimony to His name. That is the beginning of leadership. I recognize my weaknesses and areas that I am incapable. At some point in leadership, especially if I am choosing to die and be nothing, I decide to be different. I cannot change the world unless I stand out and that will only come from constant intimacy with God. With the restoration and intimacy with God, a true leader can only lead well if they find others to walk with them. Leaders must be in teams. That is how God so perfectly designed us. We were never created to do anything alone, but rather to rely on the strengths, the gifts, and the talents of others, His creation. Then, and only then, we will begin to change the world. That is only the beginning. 

Smile. Everything is new. Dream again. Have passion. 

As leaders living to exemplify Christ in all things, we must dream. Vision is key to changing and impacting the world. We must pray and seek God. In His time He will reveal a vision that is true for you. God often times takes us out of our comfort zone in order to bring us to a new level of obedience and reliance on Him. But in those moments God births vision in your heart and nourishes passion in your life. He gives a calling to those who seek it. In that vision, that passion and the calling, God will give opportunity to mentor and disciple others. It is important to continually testify to God’s grace in life. Encourage others to also stop fighting complete death. Be humble and selfless. Remember again that you are nothing. God is the one that brings you back from death. Serve God wholly in the direction that he guides with the team he provides in whatever culture or country he places you. That is true leadership. Learning to die and allowing Christ to resurrect you to something new and more powerful then what we could have done alone. 

[thoughts on leadership while in Bobbio Pellice, Italia in the summer of 2009]

Being a christian, we are expected to read the Bible to do what we call “devotions”. But I came to realize something after contemplating what I was told. What does it mean to have devotion? What does it mean to be devoted to something? This is what I discovered when I looked up several dictionary definitions of the word:

– profound dedication; consecration.
– earnest attachment to a cause, person, etc.
– an assignment or appropriation to any purpose, cause, etc.:
– Often, devotions. Ecclesiastical. religious observance or worship; a form of prayer or worship for special use.
– Ardent, often selfless affection and dedication, as to a person or principle

So what does it mean to have a “devotion-less life”? Well as explained by Dr. Mark Rutland [for those of you who do not know- he is the President of Southeastern University], devotions are something that every Christian should practice, however daily. Devotions are not meant to be something that we feel guilted into. They shouldn’t be read in a rush or simply to get it done. If those are the reasons for doing your “devotions”, do you really have devotion at all based off the above definitions? This is a challenge to myself. I read the Bible. Currently I am doing a planned study where by Dec 31, 2008, I will have read the Bible through twice and psalms and proverbs a few more times as well. Its quite a challenge really…honestly I am actually a week behind! Talk about lacking devotion.

What Dr. Rutland brought up today was the matter of the heart in devotion. I agree to what he said, in all things. Reading the Bible would be better if read 5 minutes a day to at least be consistent, rather than an hour a month, where you cram it in and don’t really think about what you read. Devotions seem to be a challenge for a lot of people, myself included. But looking back on those definitions, to love God fully, we must be devoted, ardent, striving to get closer to him. Not only do devotions [and prayer] affect your life, but your relationships with others. How you treat your friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, parents, authority figures, etc. is a reflection of your devotion to God.

So in relevance to actual “devotions” its meaningless unless we have the right attitude and heart behind it. When you lack the zeal and dedication of getting closer to God; when you are lazy and choose something else in your time over learning the word; when you read it but don’t “read it” [meaning reading out of obligation and not letting the material sink in]; all of these things are crucial to devotions. By doing each of these things you hinder what God COULD be doing in your life because of your lack of loving, passionate, dedication to Him and His word. Its what Dr. Rutland called “the damages of a devotion-less life”. Don’t allow a slump to become of you spiritually because you lack the discipline to read the word, even if only for 5 minutes a day. Discipline takes training, but it is possible. Start small and continue to read. Have a journal to write down thoughts [I have a prayer journal it is incredible to write to God!]. Quiet your life down while giving time to God; shut off music, computers, etc. Find somewhere quiet where you can focus. Do these things and see God move in your life by your devotions.

In my last post, I mentioned something about Insanity, a workout that is designed to kick your butt (literally) by intense cardio workouts. In my desire to be in the best physical shape, I decided to start this workout at 7am (or around there) everyday. Going into this workout, I knew it would be a challenge and push me in more ways than I would like. What I also knew was with any goal, efforts must be made to reach that goal’s potential. My first day- well actually my first several days- were extremely challenging. Before this workout I did miner cardio with a ton of weight training. So my first few days  I basically felt like my legs were made of jello and my abs were in a constant state of quivering. Now 15 days into this workout routine, I am seeing major improvements. I completed the second Fit Test [the first on Day 1, repeating every 2 weeks] and to my amazement I actually improved in my workouts and shed a few [just a few] pounds. Beginning Week 3 of this program, I am excited for acheiving more results. Mentally I have to prepare myself every morning for the intense workout, yet afterwards I feel more than awake and pumped for the day. And Yes! I am completely exhausted, sore, tired, and did I mention sore…? But what I have come to learn in my years of working out and getting fit, it takes sacrifice, perseverance, and discipline to get the results I want. In doing Insanity, I definitely have been reminded of this challenge. So my encouragement to you in your workouts or even other areas of your life, push through! Don’t quit, don’t give up, and definitely don’t become okay with mediocre… if your ultimate goal is about being in shape, or the best at something or the best you can be, mediocre is not an option. Let the sweat running down your face be a sign of your discipline, let your exhaustion be a tangible result of your perseverance, and let your aching and quivering muscles be a reminder of your goal. Push through. 

Bring on week 3. 

“Get fit or get out.” – Shaun T, Insanity founder.