This week I learned something incredibly beautiful. A lady at my church lost her husband this week. She is such a precious elderly lady and my heart was so sad for her. Sitting at her kitchen table, Mrs. Ruth told stories of her and her husband. She told me how she met him. She told me stories of their marriage. Though I was sad that she lost her beloved husband of 60+ years, I was so happy for her. She and Jack got to experience something that so few people will ever get the privilege. In our world today marriage is an ideal that a lot of people do not think long term. Let me first say this before I continue forward: this is not a rant or a judgment on marriages that did not work out. But this is a celebration of one that lasted 60 years til death do us part. Jack and Ruth are such a beautiful example of a love that endured through hardship, struggle, pain, frustration, and loss. From the time they met, they knew that their lives would compliment each others, that they could not continue on living without the other, and that God had allowed for them the opportunity to honor Him in their marriage. They are such an example to our world, as I already said. Their love- their marriage- was founded on God and His love, grace, mercy, compassion, and so many other foundational characteristics of Him. I am certain that they faced struggle and hardship- that times were not always great. But I am also certain of this: they would not have lasted 60 years without the goodness of God in their lives. He was their center, always.

I am so inspired by Mrs. Ruth and her marriage to Jack. Even though he is now gone, her love for him still thrives. Her heart might be wounded, but I am convinced that her love for him and God endures strongly. I am inspired by the strength [from God] that was central in their marriage. I am inspired by the fact that in his last moments, Jack said that he loved God and loved Ruth more than anything. That is a love that I believe few people get to experience.

Maybe it is because we do not take it seriously. I do believe for some today, that marriage is not a covenant but something to do and if it does not work out you can quit and move on. I do believe for others that it is something the couple genuinely pursues only without God as their center, things begin to fall apart. Marriage today is not taken as seriously as I think it should be. It is sacred and beautiful and something to incredibly unique because it allows for us to honor God in an intimate, Christ centered, love filled, grace giving, compassionate marriage that reflects His love for us. That is what marriage is supposed be- a way to worship God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength [Deut 6:4-5].  I know some people reading this might be hurt from a divorce, affair, or just a marriage that lasted, but was not sacred or close to beautiful. Our world today is not perfect so we cannot expect that every marriage exemplifies the beauty of God. But I do believe, in rarity, there are those marriages you see that are so beautiful and radiant because their beauty is from the very heart of God. Whatever your story is or whatever your martial status may be, know this: God deeply loves you. He deeply loves his people. When we enter into marriage it is not only and intimate relationship with your spouse, it is an intimate relationship with God. If is at your core, your center, your everything, anything is possible. He is a God of healing, restoration, comfort, peace, love, compassion, strength, grace, and above all a beauty that can turn any situation into one that can last through the storm or trial. A vow and a covenant of marriage is a chance for us to serve God in a beautiful way. I got to see that from Mrs. Ruth and her stories of Jack.

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness and reconciliation. I believe without any doubt in my mind that we were created to love and be loved with the deep, true love of Jesus. But when we get burned, hurt, or mistreated, we often do not want to act out in love toward the offender. 

Today I had the opportunity to act in love toward someone who mistreated me greatly. On my way home from the gym, I saw a friend, or former friend [not too sure what we are] walking. Knowing full well that he would be walking home and remembering full well how bad this person hurt me just a few months earlier, I chose to drive past them. I was mad and still hurt. On my way home, my heart sank and I knew that in no way had I acted in love. You see, the love of Jesus is not just about loving those who like us or treat us well. A huge part of the love of Jesus is to love those who do not care about you at all, those that mistreat you, or those that have cut so deeply to your soul that you nearly [or already have] write them off. 

Today was my day to decide what I was going to do. I intentionally drove past this person to avoid talking to them as to this day I have yet to receive an apology. But as I said, on my way home, my heart sank and I knew I was not loving that person and therefor not really loving God with my whole heart. I pulled into a parking lot and sat for a minute deciding whether to keep driving or turn around. I knew what was right but also knew what I wanted to do. Instead of following my pride- and hurt- I turned my car around, found this person, and drove them home. I thought surely if I show them love, the situation will get better and he won’t mistreat me again. The ride home seemed fine [by the way… “fine” is not a feeling or a description of a situation]. But there was the obvious elephant in the room of what happened between this person and I. Before we got to his house I told him how I felt. The conversation seemed to start off well and progress toward reconciliation only to find it completely plummet and I get hurt once again. 

My point in telling you this story of my own personal frustration and struggle- and hurt- is that we all have a choice. We each have the same opportunity to love those who love us in return. We all have the same choice to love those who have hurt us deeply, cut us at our soul, offended us in some way, or done something else seemingly unforgivable. Whether you are a Christian or not, I challenge you to forgive those who have hurt you regardless of the offense. Unforgiveness is a poison for you and not the one it is directed toward. But I also challenge you to seek reconciliation- restoration for the broken relationship or friendship. Do what you can. It may work out. It may not. I can tell you from today that as inconvenient as it was to turn around to help this person, it mattered. As frustrating as it was to repeat the same hurt that happened just a few months ago, I tried. I definitely do not like the outcome or how this person, yet again, treated me, but I do believe that I did what I could. 

Act in love…true Christly love. Always. No excuses. Regardless of how the person responds or the outcome of your behavior, it matters to your relationship to God. He forgave you and gives you a second [and third and fourth, etc.] chance. Don’t write people off. They may write you off, but do your best and honor God in your life, always. 

Its the risk,
GOD,
my faith is willing to take. 

This is my anthem- what  I believe more than anything. And more than ever. I try to say this as humbly as possible… I was not made  the common. Mundane. Ordinary. In fact I feel suffocated by it. Because of that, I try to live my everyday with some bit of adventure, excitement, finding the unordinary, uncommon, different in even the simplest of ways. Right now, it is not so simple. I finally have an opportunity to go to Africa- a dream 15 years in the making and only 27 days away from coming true.

If I could today, I move somewhere in the world and live among another people group, another language, another world… so I could take in all of the beauty of the differences, and see them the way my God sees them. Kenya will be just a two week adventure into this unknown world. A new language I have never experienced. A new level of poverty I have never seen. A completely different world. And yet…I have never been more excited or more ready for something like this. 

I know the risks that come with going to Africa. Having already spent a decent amount on vaccines for Tetanus, Typhoid, Malaria, and soon Yellow Fever, that alone would scare some people from embarking on a trip t o Africa. There are definite safety risks. To be honest, I am not even sure of what they all are. Frankly, I am not really nervous or scared of it- maybe my ignorance really is bliss right now. And of course, there is a financial strain. It definitely is a risk to give up almost all of my finances that don’t pay bills to send myself to Kenya. I’m not fundraising or sending support letters. I’m supporting myself with my money for this trip- I just felt like I needed to. I would not mind having people just willing to pay for my trip [and future ones]. But I felt like with this trip, I could not wait for other people to help me. God has allowed for me to have a job that can [barely] provide for my financial need on this. It is indeed a sacrifice, but one worth it. 

With all of this, I fully believe God has been preparing me for Kenya. Spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally I feel like I’m ready. Finally. The door was opened 9 months ago for me to pray about going and now I am because I believe it is where I am supposed to be. This is not just a two week short term missions trip. It is a trip to try the field. Could this be where I become a missionary? Is it a place I will return to and stay much longer? Honestly, I think the answer could be a loud resounding yes. Missions has always been heart. It is my nature, my heart beat, my passion. Maybe this will be the beginning of a transition to the field. Maybe it will be Kenya or somewhere else in Africa. Or maybe it will be another country elsewhere in the world. Regardless, this trip is a dream coming to fruition because I believe it is a huge part of what I am going to be doing with my life. 

All of the vaccines, all of the potential sicknesses, all of the potential dangers… I’m ready. I feel like my faith is ready for the risk to move forward in this dream of missions. It is on field that I become alive. It is around poverty I feel rich, not because I’m American but because I am a part of something that matters. It is around the sick or dying that I feel strong. Everything about this lifestyle- this calling- is everything I want. 

Sometimes in life, it really is the small things that can mean the most to us. For anyone who knows me or anyone who has read my blog for a while knows that I have a foot and ankle injury that has basically been the frustration of my life for two years. My right foot has been constantly swollen about a half size larger than my left. Wearing shoes that fit well and comfortably is rare. Wearing the shoes I love, mainly high heels, is, well, almost never. And standing, walking, running, especially for longer periods of time, will may not hurt at the time but kill later. This injury has limited my ability to really train with a lot of cardio that I would love to do. 

But this is not about my frustration. This is about one small accomplishment. 

This is about a dream. A race. A goal. This past Saturday I ran a 5k that was called “Race to the Dream”. All of the registrations, plus any donations, went to an organization called “Good News India”. The money benefits building a dream center in India that protects, as well as rescues, children of human trafficking. The race was just a small step, a small accomplishment to bringing hope to children that are surrounded by hate- grotesque perversion. 

The race for me was way more than a race. It was much more than a $20 donation to Good News India. Since my injury I have been running, or at least trying. I have come to enjoy running, but honestly I am not very good at it. My ankle is weak and my foot hurts. In previous 5k races, I have had to walk partially to avoid adding to pain and swelling. This year I was determined. I was determined to not give in at the first bit of pain. I ran knowing the pain would come, but also knowing that just because there was pain didn’t mean my foot would get worse. In fact, my doctors have told me that I can’t hurt my foot worse than what I already have. So I ran. And yes, briefly the thought of Forrest Gump ran through my head. I was running….

That’s the point. I ran. I made it through the entire race- 3.2 miles- without my ankle giving out, with my foot hurting, or without immense pain shooting up my leg. I did it. It was only 5k and $20. But My money went to a great cause that brings freedom. And my hard work- pushing through and not giving in at the first feeling of pain- led me to a victory, though small. It was a HUGE accomplishment for me. 

So don’t give in or give up. Press on and believe that there is purpose in even the smallest of things. What we do matters. What we don’t do also matters. Where we spend or give our money matters. Where we put our energy matters. Everything matters- wherever you are and whatever you are doing- whether big or small. For me, this race was a complete accomplishment. 

This is not easy. But the end result will be far worth it. I love God more than anything. In the world today it is challenging to be someone beyond just nominal Christianity.

Obedience to God is difficult when we are bullied into compliance to the God-ignoring culture out of sheer survival. Trust in God is likewise at risk of being abandoned in favor of the glamorous seductions of might and size.

I have a fear. Or at least a worry. Our world today is more and more dumbing down the truth of the Bible or recreating it to what we want to mean. I have to be honest… I have done it many times before. I have made up my own interpretations of the Bible that I do not believe are accurate. Thank God for grace… I know how wrong I was. As I have read the Bible more, studied more, and simply just prayed more- I have gotten to know God’s heart more. Looking back on different times of my life, I have seen where religion meant more to me than my relationship with God. I have seen where, in other times also, I was stagnant. I was dry. Empty. And my relationship with God was almost non-existent.

In my pursuit of truth and relationship with God, this fear or worry that I mentioned has grown. I see people that  have no more care for their relationship with God than they do for material things. I mean this as no judgment but an observation of worry. These people I care about dearly compromise the truth of God- their relationship with him- for the sake of fitting into our culture today. They look no different in behaviors, words, conversations, attitude or even dress. Or maybe it doesn’t go that far- some of them just simply do the Christian thing but that’s all. There is no growth. No movement closer to God. Just settled. Comfortable.

I speak from experience. I have been BOTH of the descriptions. And it saddens me to see people I love do the same- become the same. I am not writing today to talk about politics, specific “dos and don’ts” of faith, or even doctrine. Simply put I challenge you the reader to examine yourself. Look at your life- all arenas of your world- and see where you fit. Do you blend right in? Do you look, act, talk, dress, etc. like our culture and world? Frankly, those are not even the right questions. Do you love God more than anything else? Pursue him. Pursue his heart, his truth, and his love. When we pursue God in our lives we begin to be different, and stand out. We cannot compromise the truth of the Bible- God’s word- for the sake of tolerance or compliance to culture nor can we remain legalistic, self-righteous or arrogant in our faith. We need love to move in us, to bring us to life in a way that brings His love and truth to the world. We then will not be stagnant or compromising.  We need to love Him with all that we are (heart, soul, mind, strength) and that love will overflow in the world around us.

I hope those reading this understand my heart. I am not trying to be judgmental or arrogant. I simply want us to pursue God together and change the world with his love, not become part of the world with some of his love. When pursue him, we can learn how to love him with all that we are, be freed from whatever sin is our lives, and live for him entirely. We are [and need to be] examples of the character of Christ, integrity of Christ, love of Christ, forgiveness of Christ, and even holiness of Christ.

We know the story. At least parts of it. The party gathered together and ate their dinner. At some point He raised the glass and bread to make a toast, only this was not typical. He proclaimed of his soon-coming betrayal and death. In argument, His friends refused to believe such was possible. As the dinner proceeded, I would imagine that there was a certain amount of anxiety within the group. None thinking they were capable of betrayal. None being innocent. A select few were taken to a garden, quiet place to gather thoughts and rest. Only the purpose of that solitude was for strength in prayer for Him. You see… he needed it. What was coming was much worse than any would have imagined. Much darker than ever known. He needed the strength to fulfill his task…the only one that would ever matter. The select few could not even round up enough strength to stay awake to support their dear friend. That was the first betrayal, though small; they were weak and gave into their own need. The time came as the night drew darker. Soon a dispatch of soldiers came to take Him. This was the betrayal to which he spoke only hours before. Betrayed with a kiss- a kiss of honor and respect- he was handed over to the army of soldiers that awaited his arrest. He did not fight back. Instead he willfully went with them knowing that the next moments to come would…mean…everything.

His friends abandoned him one by one. They left. Some simply fled. Some hid. Some cursed. Some denied. One escaped by taking his own life. He was soon handed over to the governor who refused to give Him trial and instead sent him to the king. The king also refused finding the allegations ridiculous and unimportant. So back to the governor He went. Only this time… this time he gave in to the vicious crowd screaming for punishment. Death. So death he was granted, however painful it was. He was buried and placed in a tomb. Labeled as a heretic by some, a lunatic by others, and a rebel by almost the rest. 

We know this part of the story. But what about the moments to come? The hours in between the arrest of Him…Jesus… and his death. 

From the moment he was taken from the Garden, I would bet that his treatment was anything but polite. I would bet that he was chained or tied with ropes as most criminals would have been. From the Garden he was taken up the steep incline of the Kidron Valley on the side of the Temple Mount. He was brought first to the House of Caiaphas, the Temple High Priest where he held captive, in the darkness of the night in secret. Worse than any criminal. The High Priest and Pharisees were so terrified of a rebellion of Jesus’ followers that they hid him. He was not placed among the other criminals in the dungeon area. Instead he was placed in an empty cistern ten feet down further…through a hole where a grown man could barely fit through. And worse he had to have been lowered via rope. It was dark. Cold. Damp. He was alone. For hours…alone. The strength he prayed for in the Garden was the very strength he needed in that moment. Already bruised and beaten, he was now completely alone, hidden in secret.

I believe he would have continued to pray. What else would you have expected him to do in his solitude? When I sat in that very cistern three years ago, I have never felt so broken. My faith became real in that moment. I touched the walls- the cold, damp stone walls. I sat on the floor. I looked through the hole to which Jesus would have been lowered. We read from Psalm 88…

LORD, you are the God who saves me; day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles and my life draws near to death. 

I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But I cry to you for help, LORD; in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me?

From my youth I have suffered and been close to death; I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken from me friend and neighbor— darkness is my closest friend.

Though I know this is not what Jesus’ prayed, it does show some of the aspects of his final moments, the unrecorded ones. Jesus was alone. More alone than most of us could ever or will ever know. Those moments were not recorded in the Bible for a reason, or at least I believe for a reason. It adds the loneliness Jesus would have felt. The hours unaccounted for, the pain unseen, the prayers unheard by anyone else. For me, experiencing this true site of Jesus’ captivity, completely changed me. As alone as I might feel sometimes, or as hurt, lost, empty, broken, or whatever else I might feel… Jesus knows and understands. He is not one that cannot understand what you or I go through. He gets it. He knows what you are going through. You are not alone nor are you forgotten. Jesus stands in that gap so no one will ever be alone like he was. I believe when he was alone he knew why he was alone. He knew your face, your life, your struggles. Everything he went through that evening from the dinner to the prayer in the Garden to the arrest, captivity, and solitude…and even to death, was entirely with purpose…You. 

“I found it necessary to write appealing to you to contend for the faith that was once for all delivered…” Jude 1:3

Do you ever have a word or phrase that sticks out to you? Maybe personally it just hits the right emotion, describing exactly how you feel. Or maybe it is the encouragement, the inspiration, the reason to continue forward… Contend seems to be my word lately. A few weeks ago I was at a conference where the last message was titled “The Contender”. Pretty much it was exactly what I needed to hear because, well bluntly, in some areas of my life I was on the verge of giving up or being burnt out. I was running on empty. Worn. Tired. You name it and it most likely describes me then. My situations were not even necessarily bad, but I am still in a place, in my heart, where I know God has way more for me than where I am now. This doesn’t even have to do solely with my jobs or my location. It has to do with the matter of my heart and soul and what I am letting God do in my life. I want more. Simply put, I need more. But sometimes- rather most of the time- I don’t know where to go or what to do. Complacency has been my enemy lately. Weariness from being alone in ministry. And yes, even loneliness from being single. Call me crazy but I believe we were created to have that connection of the soul and body. I long for my Beloved, whoever he is- to live life with him in ministry, in community, and share God’s love wherever He leads. On top of that, desire for more with my life has been distracting me from my current obligations, commitments, and choices. Basically here is my struggle: I want to do my best with where God has placed me now, yet I want to prepare for where God is taking me- and I want to get there now. Here’s the deal…

I’m human. 

So are you, in case you weren’t aware of that detail. God has instilled in our hearts desires and dreams, that when paired with his heart and direction, honestly anything is possible. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH HIM. But often we get distracted usually because we become complacent and settle for whatever we are doing wherever we are doing it. We become okay with mediocracy. We become fine with doing just enough to get by. But God not only calls us to more, but he beckons us to invite him into our lives so that we can really live. So we won’t quit. We won’t give in and just settle. It doesn’t mean that we won’t struggle. In fact, we will struggle because once again we are human. But the key here is that we are not alone in any of this. God is with us desiring to be a part of our every breath and movement. 

Let’s look back to my word… CONTEND. God has been showing me so much with this one word. What does it mean really? To contend means that you push forward against struggle, you continue swinging especially when getting hit in the face with life, you get back up when you have been knocked down, and you don’t give up when you feel out of energy and are weary. To contend means that, sometimes against all odds, you rise up and continue. That verse at the top is perfect for this… we need to contend- fight for and never give up on what God has called us to because of Jesus having paid it all, giving us the strength to do anything in his name. 

I looked at my blog today, as I have done many times before attempting to write something, yet finding no words. The date of my last post was over a month ago, one of the longest gaps in between writings. Its a strange thing- I used to write all the time, weekly at minimum. Now I find that I cannot find the words to describe anything in my life. So much has been happening yet it feels as though I am at a standstill. At least that’s how it looks at a glance. I moved into my own apartment, got a second job at a school, planning a trip to Kenya, finishing my thesis which will be published as a book, and still working my main job at my church. I feel busy yet lazy at the same time.  Sometimes I feel inspired and like I am really working hard. Other times I feel like I am stuck and burnout. I don’t really know how else to explain it.  Overall this is how I can best describe all of this: I know God is doing a lot in my life in so many ways, yet I know I am not doing my very best with these opportunities and I know I will not reach my potential unless I learn to manage all of this better and seek God continually in this process. I cannot neglect my relationship with God at the sake of doing things nor can I do things without seeking God and inviting him along. To do one without the other is not good because it means that I either am neglecting God or I am being disobedient to God’s direction. I need balance. Honestly…I just need God. More of him in my life. More rest…. real rest. Time in His presence and the Word. If this is you at all, I would just encourage you to do exactly what I am challenging myself to do… spend time with God- in the Bible, in prayer, in just being, in fellowship, in obedience, and even in rest.