Inside. Deep within…my heart beats. Alive. But something is missing, so life slowly fades. I face this struggle. I breathe and I have a pulse. But to feel fully and entirely alive, I have yet to know. I ache for the void to be filled by something still unknown. To become the woman I am trying to so hard to be. To live with purpose. To pursue my dreams letting nothing hinder me. All this to know that it is Christ in me making me alive…truly alive. I want to live alive and not just live. That is my desire. I want to live beyond the mundane, beyond normalcy, beyond routine. I want more. I need more. Something is missing. But I don’t know what it is. I still feel empty. I still feel that void far within my core. I guess I just need to figure out what it is that beckons me deeper. Whatever it is that makes my heart beat. Whatever it is that urges me to move forward. Whatever it is that creates the adrenaline in me. Whatever makes me feel truly alive. I want to get to the end of my life, one day, and know that I lived my life purposefully, intentionally, and actively. I want to have lived regretting nothing. It doesn’t matter how long it takes…I will find what is missing and live fully alive.

Thomas was nicknamed “Doubting Thomas” because of his apparent pessimist attitude. He was a negative person- the worrier, brooder, and very anxious. He anticipated the worst in every situation. Little is known about Thomas, however scripture does slightly contradict the nickname of him being such a doubter. When Jesus first explained to the disciples that he was going to die, found in John 10, Thomas could not bear the fact that Jesus was going to die and no longer be with them. He said, “Let us also go, that we may die with Him”. He has an heroic pessimism.  He had no faith in Jesus but figured he would die too if Jesus was going to die. He had courage, just wrongly placed. “Pessimism, without faith, paired with courage is still pessimism.” However, Thomas was loyal to Jesus even if unto death. He was devoted to Jesus and loved him as deeply as John loved him. It was clear that his doubt was paired with deep love. He did not want to live in a world where Jesus was not present.  It did show strength to all of the disciples.

Thomas’ worst fear came true when Jesus really did die and he was left without him. In John 20, all of the disciples got together to comfort each other after Jesus’ death, however Thomas was not present. After the resurrection, Jesus came to visit the disciples. Thomas was not there because he may have felt alone, betrayed, rejected, heartbroken, forsaken, and crushed. He was not in a mood to socialize. Thomas still doubted when the disciples told him they had seen Jesus from the dead. Remember, however, that all of the disciples doubted the resurrection UNTIL they saw Jesus. What set Thomas apart from the other disciples was not his doubt being greater but his sorrow. He was so deeply upset by Jesus’ death that when Jesus visited them again, this time Thomas was present, he couldn’t believe that his savior was back. His brokenness was why he doubted, not his pessimism. Jesus dealt gently with Thomas, understanding his pain and sympathized with his doubt and uncertainty. Later on, records showed that Thomas took the Gospel to India and was killed for his faith by being speared to death. It was a fitting death for him, knowing that he died for Christ- the very wound which Thomas asked to touch became the wound that was inflicted upon his own death. (Jesus was speared, and so was Thomas).

Though simple, I think a lot of people forget one major thing about God. He loves us, truly and deeply. Often people have disbelief in his love because they find it hard to understand a concept of unconditional love. Most people have experienced heartache, betrayal, or pain in relationships, therefore belief in a God that loves us is unfathomable. His love is enduring. It never fails. You may think you are too far from his love. Maybe you have done something shameful in your life and you cannot get over the guilt. Maybe you have been hurt and you lack the trust. Regardless of your personal circumstances and whatever baggage you might carry, God loves you. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone fails. But this kind of love is unlike any other. You never have to feel alone or unworthy. You never have to feel the guilt and shame of your past. He forgives you too! Move forward. Know that wherever you find yourself today, with all that he is, he loves you. Truly and deeply, he loves you. Don’t forget that.

I just feel that some people need this reminder.

It has been really hard for me to focus on just one thing lately. I have been so distracted- not in a bad way either- but life is just crazy. I don’t understand anything. I have a lot of questions and I lack all of the answers. My heart and mind are torn between my will and God’s will for my life. It is far from simple. Every decision I make has a direct impact on my life and my future. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I choose poorly or selfishly? What if I settle for something good instead of pursuing great? I know that where I am right now doing what I am doing is exactly where I’m supposed to be…for now. The problem is my heart still aches for more. I am still unsettled with the desires deep within my soul. More than anything, I just want to see people’s lives changed. I know what my dreams are. But this question begs me to answer this: what does God say about any of it? I cannot help but include God in this conversation with myself. I believe he knows best for my life. Am I really  listening? Am I really obeying? I can’t separate these questions from my reality. I think and wait and pray, hoping that I might find the road I am meant to take.

Matthew, also called Levi (his Jewish name), was a tax collector, also called a publican, and came from Galilee. By all accounts of history and cultural context, Matthew was among the worst of sinners because of his profession. He was in a profession deemed by the Roman Empire as a tax collector, which in turn, would treat any non-Roman citizens, mainly, Jews unfairly. He was surprisingly humble and never tried to gain the spotlight in his life- at least nothing is recorded- probably because of his profession. Tax collectors were the most despised people in Israel and placed on the same level as prostitutes and harlots. They were hated by Jews even more than Romans because they extorted money from those in Israel to give to the Romans. They were basically scoundrels.

When Matthew was called by Jesus and immediately followed Jesus. The position of being a tax collector, those despised by every Jew, was a “good job” to have in the eyes of the Romans. It was clear that if he left he would not have a job to return to- there was no turning back for him. When Jesus chose him, Mathew realized that a Rabbi- the Messiah- chose him in spite of his past and lifestyle. It was shocking to him that a teacher would love him and accept him because he would have already been outcasted from every synagogue; he was considered a traitor to the Jews and forbidden to enter any synagogue. Being called by Jesus gave him hope in his life. His call also proved that even though he was not allowed in the synagogue, he studied scripture and knew of the coming Messiah. His desperation opened his eyes to accepting the Messiah and immediately following him without doubt. It was a radical conversion. Matthew was so excited that he found the Messiah that he held a banquet for Jesus (and the other disciples). However the party consisted of only tax collectors and lowlifes because those are the only people that would actually associate with a tax collector. The Pharisees didn’t like Jesus spending time with the “sinners” however they were radically changed by the love of Jesus.

In Matthew’s Gospel account, he made it clear that he knew the scriptures- he quoted the Old Testament 99 times, more than any other Gospel. It proved that he knew the Old Testament and loved it which also proves that he was hungry for the Messiah. It explains why he left immediately to follow Jesus- he knew that Jesus was the real Messiah! Matthew embraced the outcasts of the world. He even wrote his Gospel directed toward the Jewish audience as a way to show the need to love the “sinner”. All accounts of Matthew’s life after Jesus say he took the Gospel to the Jews and that he was martyred for his faith, however, the way in which he died is unclear.

Matthew reconciled with his past and let Christ change him. Will you?