its crazy
remembering the past two years.
so long since i last saw you
but everyday i see you face.
it flashes through my mind
a reminder of my failure and mistake.
i could have done something
but i was complacent
now i remember again,
understanding that i did nothing
and now you are gone
you cried out
i stood with deaf ears
two years gone
i am so desperately sorry
there is nothing to be done now
my heart is weak
knowing i did not rescue

its hard. caring so much about someone and yet that can’t even fathom. everyday waking up and thinking about what you could have done or can do for them. i want so desperately for them to see, to realize that for once, through blindness their eyes would opened and look at me. look at me seeing my broken heart for them with an undying love….

so yeah i am in hawaii right now. its only 9 pm here but at home its 3 am. i have only been here since yesterday afternoon. however, going on vacation as a 19 year old with your 22 year old sister and your parents isn’t exactly the funniest vacation i had in mind. i mean don’t get me wrong, i love my family, but i am over family vacations!!!!! i still have 5 days left….ah!

i love it…God’s grace and mercy. its so hard when we become desperate and broken realizing we need that other thing…that extra something to help us through. becoming desperate is not a bad thing. in fact, sometimes it might be the time when the greatest change occurs. thats what makes this so amazing. God is so awesome in his power. no matter how mamy times i screw up, fail, make mistakes, and don’t measure up…God is still MY God and is right there next to me. i am so thankful for his patience with me. day after day i walk a perfectly imperfect life but he still says it will all be worth it. he is God and understands that we face struggle and hardship, but his grace and mercy get us through.

“When Your love comes down,
I can rest my eyes.
Feel Your grace and power
Flood into my life.
As my brokenness
And Your strength collide,
When Your love comes down,
Falling down.”

this week has been interesting and kind of a crazy blur. sunday night Josh Stacy was killed in a car accident. man thats rough. i barely knew him and i cried. you never know when your life might come to a sudden end. wow. its unreal.

i forgot how fast time goes by. just yesterday it seems that i was graduating and so unready for college. a year later i am at the end of my freshman year at college. its actually somewhat terrifying. time is going by and i feel that i am missing it all, though i do so much. i guess this realization has come about, also because of Josh’s death. i don’t know. but in two days i will be officially finished with my first year in college. i have a declared major and minors. i have a church family and my closest friends. i have a summer internship. wow. its unbelievable to think that i am growing up and old though i do not even see the change until now. wow.

i don’t even know what to say. my pastor and his wife….Erick and Mandy are moving. yeah i will be able to see them even with them going to New York. but they have been there for me the last year. i don’t even know what to think…

April 16, 2007
Virginia Tech locked down…32 students MURDERED and at least 2 dozen wounded, thus becoming the worst CAMPUS SHOOTING IN HISTORY! this shooting took place three days before the anniversary of Columbine High School- the previous worst recorded campus shooting where 15 people were killed. keep in prayers the families of those who are affected, and especially the families of the dead and wounded.

GOD SEND YOUR PEACE!!! BE THEIR COMFORTER!!

broken.

its been a while since i really fought inside my heart to find the words. life has been a strain lately and i need to just sit and think. i need to listen to what my mind and heart is screaming. so here, the words come forth. i have been very distant from God lately, not in a completely bad way, “backsliding way”. i just have been in this dry spell where i haven’t known really how to reach God. i feel stuck in the middle of a desert but i can see the oasis near. no matter how close i get to it, there is still distance and thirst and hunger. i need refreshment. but even though this is how i have felt…God has proven himself to me over and over. he has never let me go alone anywhere, nor has he left me behind. he continually reminds of his love, grace, peace…he rescues me in my desert and carries me to the oasis. he is always constant and unwavering, no matter how conditional i become. he is always there.

“as i fall asleep. will you comfort me?
when i’m weak. will you rescue me?”

he is my last thoughts when i drift into sleep and my first in my waking moments of each day. i always have such a peace that everything will be okay….as long as i believe and trust in him.

i wish i had words. there isn’t much i can say.