I write tonight out of a lot of built up thoughts and emotions regarding some current events. I write in honesty. I write knowing full well that someone, or maybe several people, who read this will find me as the very thing I am writing about. I am aware that some people will pre-judge me. I’m aware that some already have.  I will not go into the specific events, as the events alone are not the reason or focus for this post and thus not something I feel like debating.

I have seen a trend lately that if someone disagrees with you on any level such as religious belief, sexual orientation, behavior, political view or otherwise, in their disagreement it then almost automatically makes them a person lacking in respect, tolerance, or love and in turn making them a bigot.

Let’s get one thing very clear from the start of this post: just because I may disagree with you about a behavior (s), lifestyle, decision, voting party or whatever else, it does not mean I think of you as less than a person. It does not mean I find you inferior. It does not mean I am holier than you. It does not mean God hates you. Religious people can find enough reasons to judge and condemn someone for not believing the same thing as them. So can anyone else. That is where I find the problem.

I am a Christian. I know what I believe spiritually, Biblically, politically, and why I believe such things. I back things with scripture and prayer. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am opinionated, blunt, and honest. I’m fine with being defined as such. However, I can disagree with, be opinionated about, and honest towards any person or subject matter with grace, love, and compassion. I think that is the Biblical approach according to Christ.

He always loved first.

This is exactly where I have found fault on Christians, Christians that continually walk in ways that go against God’s heart, design or calling and justify such behavior by saying God loves them. Period. I see it all the time with the ministry I work with in xxxChurch. Our slogan is “Jesus Loves Porn Stars”. Granted we know the slogan is catchy, intriguing and potentially sacrilegious, but more than anything, we believe it is indeed true. We also know that people will try to think, “Oh great, he loves me. I can still live however I want and still walk in His love”. Just because Jesus loved first does not mean that’s where His love ended.

There is another side of Jesus, the side people like to ignore more often. He went to the Temple and over turned the tables of people that were corrupt. He flipped over tables of the money changers because they withheld money and abused their position. He flipped over the tables of those offering animals for sacrifice, all the while giving unclean, blemished, or wrong [according to their laws] animals. He was mad at the greed. He was saddened at the compromise. He was livid at the deceit. And he let them all know that he disagreed. He was also Jesus [trump card!] and acted out against the religious, not the secular culture.

You can then look at another Jesus story and see how graciously, lovingly, and compassionately he was toward the Samaritan woman. She was a woman, harlot [or in our world, a slut], an adulterer, a liar, and probably other things. Not to mention she was of a half-breed race that “good” Jews avoided. Yet Jesus sat there and loved her in spite of disagreeing with her.

I wish Christians could be an example to our culture, one that is drilling the idea of tolerance into our brains, and then yelling at us [or anyone else] if we disagree with someone because of __________ [fill in the blank]. I wish that in our disagreement, other Christians, un-churched, and the rest of culture would see people that, in spite of disagreement, would still be loving toward others. That we would exemplify Christ’s love for the world. Tolerance is a word that I hate. It is, by the definition of the majority, a word that describes accepting and loving people no matter what, yet it is intolerant of anyone with different opinions, regardless if they are religiously based or not.

So to you, the reader, I ask that you understand something very close to my heart. God loves you. No matter what Christians say, no matter what culture says, no matter what family says, no matter what politics say. God loves you. I’m sorry if someone has mistreated you or done anything to make you feel like you are less than worthy of his love, especially in the name of God or religion. But I am not sorry if I disagree with you on any of the things I have already mentioned. I am not sorry if I disagree with you because my faith and religious belief [really dislike that word] contradicts your lifestyle, behavior, attitude, etc. Even if I disagree with you, know that I still love you. I still believe God loves you. And I still believe that you matter.

Living out love is tolerance. Agreement does not equate tolerance. Let’s not get those two confused.

So today, I write something very simple and more of a “food for thought” kind of thing. We had yet more snow cover the ground.

I love it. It is beyond peaceful. Today’s snow was heavy with snowflakes bigger than I’ve seen in a while. It accumulated pretty quickly too. As I left work and drove home, I couldn’t help but gaze at the beauty. When stopped, I had to snap a few pictures. By the time I got home, I had easily 4 or more inches of heavy packed snow that was resting on the top of my Jeep. I decide to scrape my good and get as much of the snow off as I was parking in the garage. Honestly my day had been good. I was a bit exhausted from being up since 4am going off 3 hours of sleep, and with plenty on mind. But I didn’t mind cleaning off my car and going inside to rest from my early and long day.

It was only after I pulled my car into the garage to find that I have a long crack across the entirety of the lower portion of my windshield. Immediately, I got angry. It was another frustration of something happening. Honestly, I may have said a few words under my breath that were anything but decent or tasteful. I couldn’t even deal with it. I walked away from my car and went right upstairs to take a nap. I needed to get my mind off this distraction and frustration. I was mad at myself for being mad the way I was mad. I was mad at the fact that my Jeep now has a 3 foot crack across my windshield, and I am not even sure how it got there.

Then I realized, the crack was another thing to worry about, but something that was not that big of deal in the grander scheme of things. There are far more important things to worry about. There are so many more things to care about and focus my attention. That crack isn’t going anywhere right now. I don’t have the money to get a new windshield. So it has to remain. But my attitude does not. I think that’s a huge part of why I got mad.

We can so easily get distracted and angry, prideful and selfish on things that are not of greater importance. When my attitude can so easily shift from being prayerful and happy on the drive home while looking at the beautiful snow, to angry and using language I shouldn’t…there’s a bigger issue. Today, though simple, was a frustrating reminder of our lives as Christians. Even when no one else is watching, can see what we are doing or can hear what we are saying, those private moments away from an audience are the moments that show your true character. Those moments show your attitude toward yourself, and especially your attitude toward God. We can choose in moments throughout our days to being of godly character, love, patience, kindness, holiness, and purity. Getting angry, like in my situation today, is not wrong. I’m mad that my window is now damaged.  But my reaction to my anger is the point. I chose to respond in a way that completely opposes His heart, as well as His desire for me to live.

Regardless of the moments you face, tomorrow, throughout the week, and so on, you have choices to make. You can respond in ways that still honor Him, even if no one else can see, or you can respond and react in ways that reveal your heart instead of His.

I have to say…the end of my weekend, Monday in particular, could have turned into one very bad day. I traveled to good ole’ Lakeland this past weekend- land of my alma mater, land of gators, and a place that I absolutely love. My college roommate [one of them] was getting married and I had the honor of being her guest. The weekend itself was good, strange at times, and full of nostalgia, but good. I always love seeing my best friend, even if brief. I always love, LOVE, seeing godly couples embark on a Gospel centered marriage. I love being able to drive past places that I hold special in my heart. But like I said, this past Monday, at the end of my trip, could have been rough.

I was supposed to be flying out on an 11 am flight out of Orlando International Airport. I fly standby so, granted, I know there are always risks of not getting on a flight. When I was getting ready to fly down to FL I double checked the returning flights to even see if it was worth trying to get out. Everything seemed fine, but man, just a few days can change everything. A few hours can change even more.

On Monday morning I dropped off my rental car, and walked to security. It was busy, but not unlike anything I’ve seen at Orlando. What I found out though, was that on every flight with United Airlines, there were dozens of standby plus each flight booked to capacity. Honestly, it would be a sheer miracle to get on any flight to any airport. I tried for 3 different flights, with different destinations, with not even a glimmer of luck. My mom had the suggestion to look into buying a return ticket to Atlantic City on Spirit. I was reluctant because, well, I’m broke and had no desire to spend money. She then told me that I needed to get out on Monday because I would otherwise be stuck in Orlando for several days due to inclement weather hitting the Northeast on early Tuesday morning.

So I went down to Spirit Airlines’ ticketing desk. There was no line. In case you didn’t know, they’re a small airline with travel to Central America and the Continental US. What’s crazy to me was that there were several employees that could have helped me but, for whatever reason, the one that did help me ended up being the very thing to change my day. By this point, I had already been at the airport for 6 hours with no flight in sight. After probably two hours of trying to figure out a flight via United and trying to work out an option of being standby on Spirit, I knew I needed to fly out, even if that meant buying a ticket. The girl, Melissa, was one of the most helpful airline employees I have ever worked with. Anyone who knows me knows I travel a lot, yet she was by far among the most pleasant I have experienced. It started with simple conversation and bonding over our shared birthday next month. Yup, just two strangers, with the same birthday, hanging out. Even after purchasing my ticket, we continued to chat, the conversation getting deeper, more personal, revealing more of who each of us are. It was great.

At the end of her shift, as she was about to leave, Melissa asked me what I would be doing for the next literally 7 hours until my flight. I simply said I’d wait. Instead of me waiting, she decided to invite me to lunch with her and her sister.

Talk about the Kingdom.

You see, in our probably 2 hour conversation at this point, we had learned a few things about each other, including we both loved the LORD. As believers, there is something that connects each of us, and that is simply the love of God. It doesn’t mean we’ll like every person we meet, nor does it mean we have to, however it is a call to love one another. Melissa, however, took it a step further. She could have easily gone home at the end of her shift. She could have easily chosen to keep at basic chitchat. She could have definitely not invited me to lunch. But that’s not what happened. We went to lunch, and her sister joined us. It was great. Relaxing. Nice to not be at the airport for a few hours. Our conversation was exciting, everything from God to travel to missions to boys [of course- we’re girls].

I’m not saying what happened that afternoon was so incredibly profound, but I do believe it was a beautiful example of Kingdom love [love that comes with the unity of believers].

Like I said, my day could have been bad. I could have gone from flight to flight getting bumped and getting stuck in Orlando. I could have [and would have] been exhausted from the effort and disappointment of standby lists remaining full. And I probably would have been stuck at the airport for days had I not bought that ticket. But even with buying the ticket, I would have been waiting 7 hours until my flight. Granted, I would have been okay, I would have managed. It has happened before and I have managed. But that’s not the point.

The point is that someone went out of their way. Someone intentionally showed the love of God, despite their own exhaustion. Someone purposefully befriended a literal stranger. I can’t think of a better example in my life seeing someone live out their faith to a stranger, and not be on a mission trip putting in their Christian duty. My challenge to all of you who read this is simple: be intentional, be purposeful, be loving. Be Christ, in all situations, in all places, to all people. 

Yes this is a post on my seemingly eternal singleness. Over the past few years I have noticed one really big trend with conversations with people and I’m not sure I like it. I am single and I have been since I was 21.  There have been guys interested in me, not a lot, but a few. And yet by choice, I have remained single. I am okay will my being single. Of course I want to get married and have a life together with some great man eventually, however, I am okay with where I am until I feel it is the right guy and the right time.

Others, however, are not.

So family and friends who read this, understand my heart. Also understand that what I say next will probably be relevant to others my age who are single. Here are 7 things that tell you a little more on my feelings of single-hood and why I am perfectly lonely [thank you John Mayer for those lyrics]:

1) I am not desperate. I am not this lonely bitter woman desperate for affection. Please do not treat me as a victim of single-hood as if life has done this to me. I have chosen to be single and not date for a while. That’s my decision.

2) Nothing is wrong with me. I’m not scared of boys, I don’t think they have cooties, and I’m not afraid of the “next step”. I do not have self esteem issues or think guys don’t like me. This is just my choice.

3) Stop trying to set me up. Again, I can date if I want. I can pursue guys if I want. Enough guys have shown interest in me.    If I wanted a date, I could get one. It does not help me when you treat me like I am incapable of getting guys on my own. In fact I absolutely HATE IT when people- family and friends- constantly try to set me up with a guy from church, or that pastor’s son, or this missionary who knows a guy, or this friend or that friend. I get it… you do care about me. But stop. All of you stop trying to make this happen for me. I’m really okay. And I’d prefer this be something that I and the guy make happen, not a bunch of bystanders playing the puppeteer. If my marriage will be between my husband and I [and God], then I’d prefer to also keep my dating life the same.

4) No, I will not do online dating. There is nothing wrong with it, but anyone who knows me enough, knows that online dating [and blind dating], do not fit my personality.

5) I want to be financially responsible. I have seen so many friends get married while in college or shortly after college. I love them all to death, however many of them went into their marriages with a combined total of debt in the tens of thousands of dollars. They had no credit, or only bad credit. I’m not saying any of them did it wrong per say, however, I really really want to be closer to being debt free before I enter a marriage, or even a serious relationship. Luckily, I’m getting to that point where my debt is consolidated and becoming a smaller number. But I still want to be responsible to the best of my abilities to avoid unnecessary marital drama.

6) I will not sacrifice the things I feel God has called me to or gifted me with for any man. Though I don’t always have a clear picture of what I want or where God is leading me, sometimes, I just know if I can’t date a guy based on his interest and calling compared to mine. Sometimes, I can just know right away. I want to travel. I want to do missions and foreign aid. I work in completely non-traditional ministries all the time. Too many times have guys been interested in me and expected me to sacrifice missions work, traveling, ministry, and other passions of mine- things I believe God has put on my heart and gifted me with. I still strongly believe I will do international work. With that, it could limit the stability I have stateside. I don’t have this cookie cutter idea of having a house, yard, 3 kids, two cars, a dog, and being a housewife/stay at home mom. None of that is wrong or bad, but that’s not even close to what I want or where I feel God has led me to thus far. If anything, I’m more comfortable with the idea of living in the middle of Africa, the Middle East, or South America and having my kids be kids from the village I live in and my husband and I do all kinds of crazy adventures, maybe even dangerous, knowing that we are sharing God’s love. Again, though I don’t actually have a clear picture of where God is leading me right now, I know some of the things that are not what God has for me. And for that, I cannot and will not sacrifice even my unknown for those things.

7) I want to pursue the Lord more than I want to date or even be married. Period. That is non-negotiable. My faith in God is everything and anything that distracts me from that is not worth it. In order for my future marriage to be one centered on God, my life as a single needs to be centered on God. I don’t see any way around that without sacrificing one for the other.

I hope you can understand my heart. I know those of you who have tried to set me up or marry me off have the best of intentions. Maybe you’re one of the ones that just wonder why I haven’t dated and don’t get why… that’s fine. You don’t need to understand. You don’t even have to agree. But understand that at nearly 26 years old, I am perfectly fine with being single until I believe God is opening an opportunity for dating and marriage. Until then, I can focus my time and energy into ministry, people, and things that matter more than gawking after some guy that I know won’t be my husband or dating guy after guy- regardless if they are great godly men- if our lives won’t be heading in the same direction. Why bother taking my attention from things I can do with my whole heart? For now, until my time actually comes, just respect me and my decision. Respect me and my desire to serve God in my single-hood. I’m okay with it, and I ask that you be too.

{this post is one I wrote for a friend’s blog for his ministry}

I am a traveler. I love adventure. I absolutely love the awkward, indescribable moments in foreign lands and different cultures. As a child I traveled a lot because my dad was a pilot. But since I was 14 and first experienced international missions, my heart was sold. I am not and never will be the same again.

My first missions trip was the trip that forever changed me. As a freshman in high school, I embarked on the journey to Tegucigalpa, Honduras, located in Central America, where I- along with 20 other teenagers- shared our testimonies to local teens in the public schools as well as helped with food distributions. Being in a different culture with a different language with people seemingly so different from me, yet so very similar, showed me that people do matter no matter what. During my high school years, I returned to various areas of Honduras two more times.

I was hooked.

I wasn’t hooked at the idea of being some American girl going to the poor for the sake of attention or recognition. I was hooked to the idea of being humbled by others’ situations, poverty unlike anything I had ever seen or known, and desperation that I couldn’t even begin to understand. I felt as though I could just stay there, living in a shack for all I cared, if it meant helping one more person.

Since my summers traveling to Honduras, I have traveled to more than a dozen other countries, each unique from the rest.

In Germany, with a vocal group, we ministered to East Berlin in areas where people had a very cold perspective of the Church or Jesus. Song made it easier for the door to open with communication. While in college, I went to Spain twice using the same method of outreach. We sang songs in Spanish in universities, churches and plazas, inspiring hope in an area where suicide was and still is rampant.

But honestly, singing songs and going to schools wasn’t enough for me. Not to say it was bad, but after six great trips by the age of 20, I felt like I needed to do more than just sing or do funny skits in schools or churches. Something in me wanted to reach out to the ones that were forgotten. The ones empty, broken and lost. The ones that were desperate.

I went back to Honduras, but this time to a dump community. It was the dump on the hilltop- the smell of burning trash and feces, site dying animals, vultures and homes built out of trash- that changed me forevermore. I remember working at the placed called “Casa de Diamentes” (House of Diamonds) where we fed the families that lived at the dump. I remember when we gave our food and water at the dump, walking on trash, seeing people sniffing glue and gas just for the sake of the facade of a full stomach to over the hunger pangs.

But there I also remember the mob that threw rocks at our group, giving one woman a cracked skull. I remember seeing such brokenness that I wept right there, not out of fear, but out of such sorrow for the men who hurt us. But I remember the beauty of the families and children at the House of Diamonds, when they heard or saw what happened, the love that overflowed. I remember the little girls, Yudinexa and Dayerlin who I got to play with all week. I wanted to adopt both of them, and pretty much all the others, with everything in me, wishing to get them to a better situation. My heart was so soft for those precious girls. I still look at the pictures of them often.

From that trip on, I knew one thing for sure: God did not call me to safety or security. He called me to show the love of God to the world, regardless of who they are or what their situations look like. To love with an overwhelming, enduring love.

Since then, that is exactly as I have tried to do. I am compelled with this love.

In Kenya at the orphanages, those precious boys and girls found Jesus. With the tribe in the Bush, we shared His love by sharing a goat and sleeping under the night sky.

In Haiti, after sharing love with those who lost so greatly after the earthquake, hope remained. In Italy and Ukraine, it was through sports that we shared love to people who knew religion but never really knew God’s love. I also remember in Ukraine experiencing physical pain and sickness, to the point of losing 20 pounds over 8 days, having 104 degree temperature and having no hospital nearby. It showed me the suffering so many go through, and the loss many face simply by not having medical care or other resources.

More recently, in Canada, Atlantic City, and all over Philadelphia and South Jersey, I shared Jesus to those within the sex industry. In fact, I still regularly do so simply because of the same message I learned in Honduras over ten years ago. Jesus loves people.

Wherever they are at, whatever they have done, no matter the situation or circumstances they face… Jesus simply loves people first and foremost.

In missions, if we can walk with the truth that Jesus loves people, that people matter, the world can be changed, even if its one person at a time. We each have a chance to genuinely love people. That love may be presented with different methods, but with Christ at the core, so much change, hope, and restoration can happen. Don’t walk in fear but in faith. You are made for a purpose far greater than yourself. Find out what it is and do it with all that you are.

Some conversations are really worth having. I don’t mean the ones of meaningless banter. I mean the conversations of depth, honesty, and heck intellect is great too!

During the duration of the three days of the “Everything to do with Sex” show in Toronto, we had many conversations. We had mostly quick dialogues of explaining xxxChurch, why we were there, or “is this Christian porn?” [really people…really?].  A lot of people were on a mission to get to all of the booths, so they meticulously timed how long conversations would be anywhere as to not miss anything. Others were freebirds, taking their time through the hall, taking in everything at every booth. Often the conversations of quick passers-by were simple “Jesus loves you, here’s a book and a sticker”. Other times it would be answering a few questions about the church [which isn’t actually a church but a non-profit ministry]. But on those beautiful rarer occasions where curiosity was birthed, boredom was thriving, and questions were rising….

…we had ourselves some real conversations.

There are two conversations in particular that stuck out for me. Toward the end of the late night shift of the show on Friday night one of the girls from our group started a conversation with a 23 year old atheist named Matt*. He had just decided to stop by the convention and check out the goods. Somehow he began to get into a theological debate with our team member. Honestly, he was looking for a fight to see if we were the real deal. After about 30 minutes, give or take, I was brought into the conversation which was subjected on historicity of the Christian church, credibility of the Bible, and higher powers. Matt* was definitely educated on Christianity and its history, Roman history, and Judaic and other religious histories. He knew his stuff. However, so did we. I feel like I have my Apologetics professor, Dr. Davis, to thank for helping me a few years ago while in college. After about another 30-45 minutes the conversation closed. Though it would seem like we got nowhere with this guy, who was not at all annoyed or angry with my team member or myself, I believe the outcome of our intellectual debate was great. He thanked us for not being mad at him though he knew he was an asshole [his words not mine].  He thanked us for not backing down on our side of the conversational debate. I could tell, from this kids background, story, and even his education, that he definitely wants more. He wants something to believe [which he did tell us] but doesn’t know where to find it without religion. Right before he walked away, he told us how he had more fun chatting and debating with us (for what I believe was almost 1 1/2 hours) than walking around looking at tits. He was a 23 year old male… I’ll take that as a compliment to our conversation. Matt* I am praying for you, wherever you are.  Don’t be afraid to let faith come before intellect or understanding.

It would seem as if my Saturday night repeated Friday night only with a different guy and subject matter.  One of the camera guys from the expo stopped by our booth around 10 pm  to see if he could get a free shirt. Luckily we had one for him. I had met Sam* a few times before in the weekend, quick hellos, etc. but this conversation was totally different and it was fantastic! I gave Sam* the free t-shirt and then we started to small talk. It began with basic questions about xxxChurch and then about his job as a photographer. He had some great stories. He spoke of his desire to do more for others, like humanitarian work. He specifically mentioned Habitat for Humanity and disaster response. I could tell he wanted to do good for others.  As we continued our conversation he asked me more questions on why I am involved with xxxChurch, the humanitarian work I’ve done, but then the conversation took a twist that could have only be directed by God.

He asked about forgiveness. For whatever reason the conversation switched to discuss if anyone could be forgiven regardless of what atrocities they could have done. I felt the need to share two examples of extreme grace and forgiveness, which for the sake of not wanting to write every detail I will omit from this post.  Redemption is the core of the story of Jesus. His love is for anyone who wants it. His grace is for us. Redemption is the product of a life turned to Jesus. For about an hour I was able to share with Sam* the beauty of Jesus’ love in my own life, why its the driving force for everything I do, and even why I believe God could have incredible plans for him if he opened his life to Him. Sam* was so engaged in the conversation that he missed a nude woman walked by us, only covered with tiny pasties and a string… a literally string. He was not only engaged in the conversation, he wanted to know more. Sadly the conversation had to end because the convention was wrapping up for the night. I believe something was stirred inside of Sam*.  I could tell he wants more. I could tell, though he loves his life, he desires something greater.  Sam* [you know who you really are], if you read this please know that not only do I believe Jesus loves you deeply, but I believe that Jesus could have far greater plans for your life than just photographing celebrities [though that’s pretty cool]. I believe your heart for wanting to help people is fantastic and I think the love of Jesus could make it that much stronger and deeper.  I know you still have tons of questions and I sincerely hope you follow up with us like you promised.

Conversations matter. Taking the time to share your story with someone, Jesus’ love, or even just listening to their story could make such a difference. You never the impact a simple conversation could have on someone’s life. Never underestimate it.  And never be afraid to be used by God in any conversations. I am so grateful for the people I met this weekend. For the conversations I had, short and longer, I am grateful. I hope they each felt loved by Jesus because he does deeply love each and every one of them.

 

 

[Matt* and Sam* are not the real names of the individuals I spoke with]