it’s been a little while since i last wrote one of these entries. to be honest i figure most people don’t read them anyways. they are usually used as my venting because i am also usually up rather late.

and here is my rant. i am confused. i am at a loss. how can something be so right to you when other people you love disagree? how can you feel something but still be so unsure and lost? why can’t things just be definite? everything right now is weird and i am not sure how to take it. i don’t know.

sleepless nights. the exact thing that has been happening to me all week. but regardless of things that penetrate my mind and keep it awake…i rest in God.

wow its been quite some time since i last wrote anything. but life is great. one thing that i have been thinking about is how much God is in control. despite my circumstances or the situations i face…my God is great will sustain me.

“i can lay down and sleep; i wake up again because the Lord [my God] sustains me”

i am so thankful. God is incredible and i am awestruck. where do i even begin? this semester started off rough. classes are very challenging this semester. the first full week of classes my dad was rushed to the ER for unknown reasons. the following day my aunt passed away. relying on God through grief is so hard, but when you do you find comfort. and he gets you through it! another amazing thing for me is just the friendships i have further developed this semester. my roommate and suitemates are amazing and i love them all! my other friends i have come to know closer and learn to love them all the more. God has provided for me closer relationships with people from back home. restoring old ones, creating new ones, refreshing other ones. its amazing. i just got back from the winter youth retreat, where i was a youth leader. seeing those kids cry out to God was amazing! i was able to speak to many of them just as a friend. one of the greatest blessings that God has recently allowed was to let me date one of my closest friends. though it has been a long process, i know it is what God has blessed. i am so excited to see this unfold further!

God is amazing and proves himself over and over againg…in spite of struggle, pain or even joy.

its so strange. someone tells you something, and it could change your life, your thinking, your world. and what do you do with it? what can you do with it? all i am left with is confusion.

today has been a tough day. i knew it was coming, but not this soon. my aunt passed away early this morning. i knew she was dying. i knew it was coming soon. hospice told us 2 months. in a matter of days that promise ended. i loved her. the last time i saw her was at my graduation. she was there. she cooked amazing southern food. she was in the bleachers when i walked. she was there. now she is gone. what i find so strange about this, is that last week i just finished reading c.s. lewis’s book “a grief observed” where he wrote about the death of his wife and coping with it. i guess it was God preparing me for it. who knows.

but my day doesnt end with her death. late yesterday afternoon i found out my dad was in the ER for reasons unknown. he has been in the hospital for two days and will hopefully be released this weekend. but he’ll need surgery. he’s sick. and its pretty much not easy.

but in God i trust. in all things. i have to believe. that’s all i can do.

its unique. being home again. in comfortability. its also unique being in a world seemingly so different then when i left. i try so hard to recognize what has become and yet i can’t. i can’t understand why all has changed and moved on, yet i am left behind. life continues to move on, even when i don’t. God has really been challenging me to move. to take a step. not the cliche leap of faith. something greater. yet so simple. to rise up and reach out. to love. i have faith, but lack action. the world will continue to press on and will leave behind all those who fail in action, like myself. i have been failing my world as a christian. we are called to love those who don’t even know what it is. we have been called to help and teach. we have been asked, no commanded to preach the hope of a savior who cares so much. He is hosanna in the highest. the maker of all we know. the man born to die. like all men, we are all born to die…each with a purpose. however, this man was born for the greatest purpose. he was born to take on all that we can’t-ourselves, our past, our regrets, our choices and mistakes.

i understand this is such a rambling of my mind yet i can not hold anything in. its near 2:30 in the morning yet my mind lies awake asking to be unleashed. my heart can not contain itself. this past month has been so much like awakening. something inside of me has been contained for so long and i am sick of trying to resist it. for too long my past has left me in chains. we each have a past- our choices and mistakes that led us down various roads, a lot of regret. haunting us we can not even run from it. in our sleep it awakens us, in our days it chases us. whether it be the images of lust or pornography; or hatred toward the world or a single person; or reminders of sexual abuse, even physical; words inflicted us even though already spoken; or a child conceived yet born- we each have something.

this month my heart has burst. it is frail and broken. this is not a time where i am weeping for selfpity but rather realizing the changes of becoming….new. i have recognized beyond all that my God releases me and commissions me. i recently did a 7 day fast of food [i understand you are not supposed to brag about fasting-like the pharisees-however this is to show my brokenness colliding with God’s power]. during the course of the fast, each day was set apart to a different subject. i challenge you…if you need a move in your life. try God. even if you are an atheist and you are run out of hope and all else seems to fail you…try God. when i fully surrendered to God, yes it has been a gradual process, but i have been moving forward in every way. God is all i need. screaming “strip me away” God has begun to move away all that hinders me and weakens me. for people who may not know- i have no always been a strong christian…we all come from somewhere. i came from nothing pretending to be something in two different worlds, church and the world. now i am the same. God is working in me each day to show me that my past and mistakes do not matter for he sees now and on. that is all.

“i let go of all my lust
i let go of all my pride
i let go of all my bitterness
i let go
i let go of all my pain
i let go of the fame in my name
and i find myself, find myself in you”

Lord this is my prayer. i find myself once i release myself.

so i am extremely excited. this friday i am going to tampa…but not for shopping, not for the beach, not for a movie. i am going to the ally ways, the side streets, the ghetto….i am going to talk to prostitutes. women who have given up on every other kind of life….who have never known God. i can’t wait. i want them to know the hope i have in Christ!

God i give you it all. i pray for your will in my life…nothing less than that. i am broken and weary and need your touch and direction… HAVE YOUR WAY!