I am not going to sit here and tell you everything is okay. Simply put, its not. Not even close.

My apartment may be okay. My parents’ house might be okay. I have friends’ that have lost much. I have friends’ that have lost everything. Three days later, and millions of people are still without electricity. Never before have I ever seen grocery stores so empty. No milk, no eggs, no bread, limited cereals. Shelves look barren. Huge trees were completely uprooted and ripped from the ground. The Autumn leaves cover the ground, no longer giving the beautiful fall glow that the North loves so dearly. The ocean did not halt at the edge of neighborhoods. Instead it not only intruded rushing down the streets of communities, but it decided to take buildings, cars, and beauty with it. Houses full of water, and sand are just a glimpse of the damage. Most of the flood waters and high tides receded however leaving feet of sand in some places. The closer you get to where the heavy damage is done, it looks ghostly. Well, Happy Halloween I guess. The closer you get to where disaster is evident, the more you realize the heartbreaking reality… New Jersey is a mess. NYC is terrible too. With massive flooding still in effect, the subways, tunnels, and basically everything on Lower Manhattan and other nearby areas of NY are closed off for an undetermined time. Places you would never think of such devastation are not only leveled or washed away, but greatly affect the economy of this region. This is all more than just a mess.

For anyone that doesn’t know or realize, New Jersey thrives largely because of our shoreline. Our beach communities, boardwalks, theme parks, piers are heartbeat of Jersey. It is what we love. Whether you are a Phillies/Eagles fan or Yankees/Giants fan, Jersey can agree that we love our beaches. We love our boardwalks. Anyone that has lived here long enough has most likely had some amazing memories down the shore. I know I have. Between youth group beach days in the summer to me taking my youth group there letting many of them experience OC for the first time. Or friends and I going down to celebrate the fact that we were on college summer break. Or the memories I have with my best friend walking the board walk, going to the theme park, or watching the fireworks on Fourth of July. More recently I have gone to LBI for winter retreats at a place that is now devastated. One of my absolute favorite memories down the shore was alone, when I used to drive there early in the morning in the winter when it was still dark, to park and make to the beautiful, quiet beach and watch the sunrise snuggled up in a blanket with coffee. I cannot tell you the beauty of those breathtaking sunrises I have experienced there.

Ask anyone from this area, they have memories down the shore. Hurricane Sandy did a great job with destroying many of those places. She did a great job with ruining one of the largest parts of our economy. She especially did a great job with causing such extensive damage with flooding to cease public transportation limiting the commute for probably thousands of people to and from NYC. What Hurricane Sandy did not do is destroy us. We are still. Though many of that which we loved is destroyed and gone, we are alive. What has been lost will be a memory and something new will be rebuilt.

We need to move forward and push through the next few months, because this will difficult for some more than others. Church, I urge you to have compassion during this time. Help your neighbor, your community, your enemy even. This is the time for the Church- those that believe and claim to live for God- to really LIVE OUT LOVE. We as Christians know this, that no matter what comes our way, we have a God that can be our strength and bring us through any tragedy or situation. This is an incredible opportunity for our communities and State to see a love that goes beyond barrier, race, religion, and yes, even favorite sports team [hah!]. This is a chance at living out what the Gospel commissioned us to do in the first place. Not just this week or next week or even next month. This will be a long process. Continue to push forward and live out love no matter what. People, especially those with great loss, need hope, compassion and love. Don’t keep that from anyone. The soul of New Jersey is the shore, and though it is broken, along with much more, we as Christians have something to offer those that are devastated, something that cannot be destroyed in any storm or struggle: His Love.

I encourage you all, through this difficultly, see God working, in even the smallest of ways.

Tonight I sit on my couch in my apartment living room thinking about the last year, year and a half. So much has happened that I find words not being able to fully describe everything. Between mistakes, situations, and various other challenges I have found myself… moving beyond who I was a year ago, even two years ago. As I look at this past year of my life- heck let’s take that to two years- I see so much, well, stupidity. I see my flawed humanity peering through the looking glass. I see much immaturity, both as a recent graduate and as 20-something. I see my mistakes as a single adult and how certain decisions have changed me. From making unwise decisions with money to turning down a probably great guy for a date to even deciding to being single for a year intentionally with the purpose of refocusing after a previous almost relationship [long story, and not really one I want to share]. I even see how my friend David getting killed in Afghanistan has changed me. Or having two jobs with really no time for myself and overcoming a constantly swollen and aching foot from an injury.  Honestly, there is such a long list of things that I wish I could redo or forget happened.

But where would be the growth of this past two years of my life? Where would be the learning and accomplishment?

In just over a day and a half, I will be doing something that to many is stupid, crazy, and just unnecessary. I will run 12 miles, complete 22 military grade obstacles, and cross a finish line with a team of friends to complete the Tough Mudder. I haven’t actually explained to really anyone my purpose for doing this event. I haven’t explained my reason for refusing to back down. Everything that has happened in the last two years has changed me so much that I find myself making the Tough Mudder my goal, something that says “I am new, changed, different…not giving up, pushing through, and pressing hard”. This Tough Mudder is a huge thing for me, more than a physical accomplishment, more than something to win a t-shirt, and more than something to do just to say I did it.

It is symbolic of my last two years. Symbolic of the obstacles I have faced, symbolic of the crap I have done and the mess I have found myself in, and symbolic of the help I have had through it all with God. The Tough Mudder is about camaraderie- team work- and pushing through any challenges that you face. I believe God has been reason for everything, regardless of others’ faults or my own stupidity or just…life. The moment I cross that finish line will be so freeing, so calming, so exciting, so moving… so many things. This is a life goal because life is more than just a moment or a decision. God has shown me so much and I am doing this Tough Mudder for him. He is my everything. With his strength and definitely his grace I can do all things, in this Mudder, and in life.

In light of election season, I decided I would write some thoughts. And no, don’t worry I will not be making this some agenda for Romney or Obama and if you do so by commenting about either, I will gladly and mostly likely ignore them.  In fact, this post is definitely for neither. Tonight during the second Presidential Debate of this year’s upcoming election, I realized something that is increasingly making me more and more angry. The Christians from both sides. Yes, I said it. I am not angry at Romney or Obama, Democrats or Republicans. I am angry at the poor example of Christ coming from Christians from either [or neither] side. While watching the debates, I was avidly watching the responses people were posting on Facebook and Twitter. There is so much arrogance, disrespect, and slander coming from Christian voters for both sides.

For Governor Mitt Romney people:
Who of you actually know him? Seriously? Do you know him well enough to decide that because he is a mormon he is or is not a true Christian? Just because he is a republican, for you conservatives out there, does not mean he is necessarily the godly choice. Just because he claims faith does not make him flawless or perfect. It does not give you the right to bash or slander President Obama because guess what, for at least 3 more weeks [technically until the inauguration] he is your President and there is a Biblical mandate to honor and respect him, regardless if you voted for him. And stop saying he is the Anti-Christ! Get over your spiritual pride thinking you know everything God has for this nation.  Your party is not the godly one. And in case you did not know, Romney is not God, and therefore fallible.

For President Barak Obama people:
First, I am no racist but this subject really gets me going. In the previous election, post announcement of his victory, I was called a “nigger hater” by a group of African-Americans on my university campus solely because I was telling them to be quiet. It was after  sound curfew [11pm] and out of respect for fellow classmates I was asking ALL Obama and McCain supporters to quietly celebrate or mourn for their party. What still amazes me is how so many African Americans in this election still claim they are not racist yet have made voting for Obama a race issue simply because they are black. Again, I am not a racist- not even close. But my challenge to you who are African-American, be cautious using race as your reason for voting in this election or any other. Also, just like the Romney voters, stop slandering him. Stop saying he is this or that. Regardless of truth, remember that Obama is not perfect just like Romney. Your party is also not the godly one.

I don’t mean to post this blog to stir up dissension among friends, family, and especially not the Church. In fact, my intentions are for avoiding disunity and do bring a focus on something beyond who wins this election. Church- Christians- we should not be allowing for ourselves to be consumed in discord and hatred- slander, gossip, and arrogant talk- not should we allow for ourselves to bring division in our Body as believers in Jesus Christ. Remember always, that we serve God through Jesus Christ first and foremost. The moment you put anything- and I mean anything above that- you have created for yourself an idol. And beyond that, remember that we are all flawed and imperfect. Romney, Obama, you and I are all imperfect and in need of grace. As a Christian, I challenge you to pray for your leaders across the board- your parents, your boss, your teachers, your pastors, your governors and your President. It is Biblical to pray for those that God has established within authority. Pray for God’s name to be honored. Pray that above all, God’s will be done.

“We love villains. We need them. Politicians make great and easy villains. But life is rarely that simple. Put your stone down.” -my friend Bryan Ward

Something got to me tonight as I was reading. I find myself discontent in life. I want the next thing…the next thing for my life. I will want the next this or that. Honestly, that is how so many people are in this world, especially a place like America. How often do I find myself (or you for that matter) completely satisfied? In a world where the next big thing is coming, or the next update, or the latest brand or whatever new fad is out there, we tend to draw near to it all. We draw near to things that offer a semblance of hope, fulfillment, joy, contentment. The problem I have found with practically everything is that I always want more. I always want the next thing. I am never full satisfied.

This is exactly what God brought to Haggai, a man who served God by urging the people of Israel to turn to God and serve him with their lives.

Consider your ways. You have sown much and harvested little. You eat but you never have enough; you drink, but you never have your fill. You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm. And he who earns wages does so to put them in a bag with a hole.”  [Haggai 1:6]

The problem I noticed with this statement is that I find it to be true about…myself. Reading it hit like a knife in the heart. Bullseye. What impact am I having on this earth? Am I harvesting…meaning am I leaving a legacy behind of benefit to others? Am I ever satisfied with the way I am living, with what I am doing? I am sick of wasting everything.

We each need to reach a moment in our lives where we choose to live for God. It is as simple as that. Consider your ways. How do you live? What mark are you leaving behind on the world? You could be as humanitarian as you want to be. But living for God is the only thing that will matter and the only thing of eternal value. Stop wasting your life with stupid, selfish living where your concern is you. This world is bigger than you. God’s story is bigger but includes you. It’s more than just happiness. Do something that matters. Live for God. Serve him. With that, and only that, you will find a satisfaction, contentment, and joy that will not be found anywhere else.

Just a simple thought tonight as I get ready for bed.

I am so disappointed with the reactions because of the election. Okay yes Obama won and McCain lost. Let me explain how my evening went on a Christian university campus:

I was sitting in my dorm room writing a paper, not watching the election info. This was a little before 11 pm. All of a sudden I heard a roar break out outside my building. To my surprise I walked out of my dorm room to find Obama supporters and McCain supporters screaming. The Obama fans were cheering in joy and praise while the McCain supporters were responding saying Obama is the anti-christ, etc. Okay seriously. Did that really happen? Noise like crazy. Now mind you I am an RA on campus therefore things involving noise past 11 pm I have to deal with. I thought it was something simple. I began to ask people politely to quite down. I was not focusing my attention on one group of supporters. Soon enough most of the RAs around campus had to begin to walk around calming people. For over two hours I asked people to respectively cheer [or mourn for the McCain supporters] to find other places away from the dorms.

This is where I am disappointed at students at Southeastern University, BOTH Obama and McCain supporters!!! Christian students slander another individual saying he is the anti-christ however that is arrogant and self-righteous. I heard so much talk about McCain being the godly man and Obama being the devil that I felt sick. But it got worse. In my process of asking people to calm down, a certain group of African-American individuals felt the need to slander me. Now I am no racist. I am anything but a racist. I have friends of every race and ethnic group! I never once mentioned or implied my political status or the like, however this group of African-American individuals felt the need to call me a Nigger Hater [sorry for the language!]. Tell me that wasn’t a racist comment by them?! They continued to say that if McCain won we [the RAs] wouldn’t be doing anything about the noise. Yeah but how could they make that claim without me ever stating my beliefs to begin with?

So here is what I think. Southeastern University, as well as the church, is divided and has lost their focus on God. The fact that Jesus stood for order and unity yet we can’t even act like Christians without division?! Really!? I am sick to my stomach right now because of the things, the words, the actions, that I saw on a campus, and even the church, that is supposed to represent God. I don’t care if you voted Democratic, Republican, or third party- REPRESENT GOD BEFORE POLITICS! We as the church wonder or play the blame game as to why our nation is the way it is. Here is my answer: we have failed our nation by representing ourselves instead of God.

So now we have a new president. Congrats! Really I do mean that because I feel that the man who won is the person God intended to win because it was right. Right doesn’t always mean godly, good, or anything else. And I don’t mean that to say anything against Obama either. Mainly I wanted to point out that FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS we have President Obama. We may not be able to know what God is doing but there is something we can do. Prayer is powerful. If you voted for Obama then congrats. If you voted for McCain then oh well. Regardless of your political stance, prayer for your leaders and those established in authority is Biblical. If you want change in either way, PRAY FOR IT! God now just asks for obedience from His body, however dis unified it might be, to take a call to prayer. I leave you with this:

II Chronicles 7:14
“If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven and I will forgive their sin and I will heal their land.”

[Oh and no political debate on what you believe regarding McCain vs. Obama- I will delete it]

This song has been wrecking my heart. How much of my life is worship to God? How much of it is just for myself? Even in ministry? I want my life, in every way to reflect the heart of One who is greater…who deserves it.

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that’s the measure you must take to crush the idols

Jerk the pews & all the decorations, too

Until the congregations few, then have revival


Tell your friends that this is where the party ends 

Until you’re broken for your sins, you can’t be social

Then seek the Lord & wait for what He has in store 

And know that great is your reward so just be hopeful



’Cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong;
Oh, worship is more than a song



Take a break from all the plans that you have made 

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper

Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak

And pray for real upon your knees until they blister


Shine the light on every corner of your life

Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open

Then read the Word and put to test the things you’ve heard 

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken


‘Cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong;
Oh, worship is more than a song


We must not worship something that’s not even worth it

Clear the stage, make some space for the One who deserves it


Anything I put before my God is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol
And anything I can’t stop thinking of is an idol
And anything that I give all my love is an idol


’Cause I can sing all I want to

Yes, I can sing all I want to

And we can sing all we want to
We can sing all we want to
We can sing all we want to

And still get it wrong

Worship is more than a song

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that’s the measure you must take to crush the idols

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/clear_the_stage_lyrics_jimmy_needham.html
All about Jimmy Needham: http://www.musictory.com/music/Jimmy+Needham

Throughout my five years in college/grad school and two years of ministry full-time, I have met a ton of people. Godly people that I truly do believe want to do great things for God. The problem is…people are severely flawed. We hurt each other. We add to the wounds. We cause damage. We break each other. The difference here is that with Christ, restoration and forgiveness is at the core of His heart. Without it, we would be nothing. Nothing.

Over the past few months, I have learned of several couples- friends of mine- having marriages that have fallen apart for various reasons. Friends in ministry. Friends from college. Friends from both. I have literally cried for my friends’ broken marriages. As far back as I can remember, I have always believed that divorce should never be a solution to a messed up marriage. Call me crazy but that is what I have believed, not because divorce is this horrible thing but because marriage is a beautiful thing, however broken it might be. I am aware that this may be a very controversial topic for people to read, especially if you come from a divorced home or have been divorced yourself. I do not mean to belittle your situation. But please hear me out.

I believe in Christ which means I believe in his death and resurrection. That means I must believe in restoration. I remember last year I had a conversation with a group of my girlfriends during a wedding weekend of our friends from college. During one of our meals the subject of divorce came up. Though I can’t recall how this came up, I remember having said this: “As far as I can help it, divorce is simply not an option”. This is remained at the forefront of my mind for a year. Why? Simply because I still maintain this belief, probably more than I did last year. Now I know I am still unmarried myself and have yet to go through some major issue that could potentially tear my marriage apart, but I think this important. To get the thought deep in my mind that as far as I can help it, to the best of my ability paired with God’s strength, grace, and mercy, divorce is simply not something I will choose. You may respond with, well “What if he…” or “What if you…” or “What if you this or that…” that’s okay. But understand this: I do not want to go into a marriage believing, even in the most minute ways, divorce cannot be on the table as a viable option.

I want to believe that my marriage is worth fighting for. Regardless if there is an addiction, accident, affair, or other struggle, I want to believe that my vow- my covenant marriage before God- was true. For better or worse…right? You might say this is naive. Go ahead. You may be critical or think of me as immature in my singlehood. Go ahead. But I believe it is how God wants it…to push through and not give up, no matter the struggle. I will say this: separation can be an option but only for a time and certainly not an option to fool around on the side. Marriage is supposed to be, especially for Christians, an example of our relationship with Christ. If he gave is all for me, shouldn’t I do the same? Shouldn’t I do the same to my [future] husband?

I need to learn to love in spite of now before I am married. I need to learn to forgive now before I am married. If I can learn but a fraction of the love of Christ, it will make a world of difference. God needs to be the center. We need to believe in the restoration that comes with Jesus Christ. Granted, I understand that people may have already experienced divorce. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry that for whatever reason it did not work out. I am sorry that you were hurt or heartbroken. I am sorry if you were the one who hurt or brought heartache. My stance remains the same: Jesus wants to restore. It may not necessarily mean your marriage is restored, as both people need to want it and fight for it, however, he can restore you to fullness and wholeness in Him. 

For you who read this, maybe one of those friends who have recently had marriage problems, hear my heart for you. God does love you. Restoration is a possibility for your marriage. I don’t know your situation but I want hope in Christ’s restoration for you. If nothing else, that you can learn to forgive each other. That you can love God with all your heart and learn to do the same to others. To love in spite of… and maybe give those vows another shot. With God all things are possible, right? Regardless, believe that restoration is a possibility…

Find out what makes you come alive. What makes you excited. Even what gives you a righteous anger. Something that you are discontent not having as a part of your life. God has put something inside of your heart. It is what makes your heart beat [metaphorically]. It is the very thing that gives you purpose and with it, you feel empty…because you are empty. Because you are not where you are supposed to me.  You are not using the talent you have innately, given by God. Designed by God for a greater purpose than yourself. Pursue that. Never give up. Never let go. No matter what it takes, if this is your dream… the very thing you were born for, do not miss out. Go after it wholly, completely, desperately, never giving up, never letting go. For that, you were born. 

Three years ago I stepped out into an unknown adventure. Three years ago I walked toward a journey that would completely change my life. Three years ago I met people that would become so incredibly important.  On June 7, 2009 I left the United States for Italy to work with a sports organization in their internship that, little to my knowledge, would absolutely change my life. My entire summer was spent with a group of 14 other interns and some staff. We had fun, we played sports, went running… we prayed together, worshipped together…we wanted to kill each other [at times], laugh with each other, and cry with each other. Those 14 people became people that have become part of my most intimate community. That is what this is about… community.  Community is about common unity… Jesus Christ being the central thing in each of our lives. We each have stories that we came from, but that summer brought 15 completely opposite and yet so similar people together in a crazy way. We became a family. We became a unit of people believers, though sometimes fractured, wounded, or guarded.

Now three years since our return from Italy and I am still amazed. With so much that has happened- drama, breakups, fights….pretty much normal dysfunction and yet so much fun, excitement, and ridiculous memories, this one weekend reminded me of what I have that is taken for granted. God has gifted me with this incredible group of people that few people can understand or relate to simply because of our experiences in Italy.

This weekend brought us all together. From arriving to Atlanta to driving down to Mariana, FL, us girls chatted about life, love, and…Justin Bieber. Yes that happened, on replay multiple times. When we arrived, we found out our beloved guys from the team paid for us a hotel room at Quality Inn where we all proceeded to hang out, share memories, laugh, and just be among friends that matter. We were joined by a few others from other the following years’ internship groups. They joined in the memories, the jokes, and the laughter. Only a group of close-knit friends could have relationships as we do, and yet so quickly add family members like we did from the other teams. With a trip to Walmart to grab, of course, basic necessities for us like a nose ring, sunglasses, hair mouse, and don’t forget a gift card for the happy couple…we still maintained our familial presence.

And yet only a group of 20-somethings from 3 different years of internships from all over the country [and some around the world] could come together at a Southern country wedding that had to have been Pinterest-designed. We danced, we laughed, but more than that we saw our two beloved friends- the ones who were the reason we all flew from literally all over the country- from California to New Jersey [yours truly] to Oklahoma- to see people that we so deeply cherish tie the knot under the beauty and sacredness of Godly marriage. Only in true community would you find a group of 10 people that come from all over the States to pray for a couple in blessing their marriage. In taking funny pictures for them and bringing the bride and groom to tears because of the beauty of our bond as friends and family. And then even today, as I rode back to Atlanta, not with my original group, but two of the newly inducted family members from the second year, I felt just as much communion with them. I found myself at the end of the journey with the final member from this group as we sat in an Atlanta Burger King. Instead of me waiting in the airport for 5 hours, he prolonged his long journey back home and continued the same community we all had during the weekend. We ended up chatting for 3 of those hours in this Burger King about God, our testimonies, and memories from various adventures. Only in true community can that happen.

I leave you with something, and believe me, its nothing profound. Find true community. It is not easy to come by nor is it easy to keep. But if you find a group of people that love the Lord deeply and desire to grow together in that bond- there is your common unity- your foundation. Hold onto that- don’t let go. It is too beautiful of thing to just quit. Live life together. Grow in God together…But be together.

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. 

Some times it is so hard to understand why things happen the way they do. There is so much hurt and brokenness in this world. There is much pain and sorrow. Suffering, heartache, and loss.

I find myself with red eyes with puffy bags under them. Having cried off and on all day, my eyes know all to well the feeling of dryness and haze. But before continuing with the “why” for my tears, I need to explain the story leading up to this day.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine, a former classmate and now godly Christian woman, Michelle, called me to inform me of one of our peers being in the hospital. It was Drew Endicott. The thing is that I knew that name very much. I remember him from high school and even the years before. I remember the friends he had, none of which were close friends of mine. But I also remember seeing Drew the last time I actually saw him. At LA Fitness, where I regularly workout, I remembered on several occasions seeing Drew and his friend Matt working out. I recognized both, knowing that they most likely had no clue who I was. There were so many times that I had planned on walking up to Drew and Matt to say hello and engage in conversation- you know, the catch up kind with someone you were not actually friends with but feel obligated to respond. Even though I knew we were never friends in high school, and they may not have even recognized me, I felt like I needed to talk to both Drew and Matt.

You see for me, there is something that has always been foundational in my life: my relationship with God. It has and always will remain the most important part of life. The reason that I wanted to talk to Drew, and even Matt, was for one main reason: last I knew was that neither believed in the same hope that I do in Jesus. Since graduation day in 2006, I have been praying for my senior class. Yes, that might sound crazy. And hey, for any of you from my graduating class who might actually read this, I have prayed for you. You may not know me well. We may not be friends. But since graduation I have been praying for each of you to know the same love and hope that I have in Jesus- a faithful God.

Drew was among those that I had been praying for- to come to know Jesus. When I finally worked up the nerve to talk to him…I found out he was not coming back to the gym, that he was in the hospital, in a coma, on life support… and now that opportunity was missed forever. Today he passed away at 1:30 this afternoon.

My reason for sharing all this back-story is for you to understand something. God’s love is deep and far beyond our understanding. I don’t understand why God didn’t heal Drew and make that an incredible testimony for him to have. I wish that could have happened. But I also know that God can somehow do great things in spite of Drew’s death. Drew is not in pain or suffering anymore. But more importantly, and newly to my knowledge… Drew did come to know the Lord.  In his final moments before going in to a coma, he accepted Jesus to be his Lord and Savior- forgiver of sin and redeemer.  That is where hope and faith come in- when all else seems to not make sense I choose to have faith. I choose to believe that God can bring some sort of good from this situation. Of course I am mad at myself for having not spoken with him or Matt. But God had other plans. For those of you who might read this and knew Drew- God has a purpose.  We may not see the whole picture right now, but hold fast to a promise that God will bring healing, comfort, and restoration.

Trust and seek Jesus. Don’t give up. There is more to your story, and it can end with hope.