don’t you just wish when you need someone to listen that they would respond. its like sometimes you want someone to hear what you have to say and then do something about it…its so frustrating.

two weeks…i wish i could find words and feelings…i seems like things are crashing…

its been so wierd lately. i feel like i am watching my life pass me by from another place. i feel that its not me. distant or something. i am not really sure. but what i am sure of is that life is no longer the same that it has been. everything is rapidly becoming different and its quite honestly scary. there is so much that i want to happen before i leave for school and i have such high doubts that any of it will happen. knowing i want it to happen but also knowing its just a hopeless dream i am living. i also realize that so much else is occuring. i am leaving behind my parents and all of my best friends who i care so much about. its becoming so lonely and nerveracking. confusing and wierd. i dont know i guess its just something i have to live with….

frustrated and annoyed…scared and lonely…i wish for more but i am still unseen…

invisible

ugh!! i can’t stand it anymore!! i am so sick of everything here. i can’t wait til college cause it will be my escape from all of this. is it bad that a lot of stuff here i am not going to miss? is it bad that i can’t wait to get AWAY from everyone? there are few people i care about right now that i want to see when i’m gone. but so many of the rest just don’t mean anything anymore. why is it that i stopped caring? why is it that i now feel like this? why do i feel so distant from everyone and everything? oh yeah i remember…the day i graduated… i became invisible…

hum. the last several nights i haven’t been able to sleep really at all. i will sleep for a bit then i will wake up thinking. i have so much crap running through my mind right now that i can’t get a decent night of sleep. have you ever woken up in such deep thought that you stay awake for hours thinking about it? or rather have your thoughts been so deep that they penetrate your mind when you sleep and enter into your world of supposed dreamed peace? then the moment you awake from your comatose sleep the dream quickly escapes your grasp to where you can only hold onto a mere portion of it. yup. i have every night this last week. i wonder when this will stop. hum.

yeah so i just spent an hour outside in my backyard, lying on my diving board, gazing at stars. it was such a deep prayer time for me that i haven’t had in a while. just gazing into God’s presence is awe-inspiring. the thoughts that have been running though my mind the last several nights, keeping me awake for hours…i gave to God…these worries i have i just want God to take care of…i want more of his presence…

have you ever wanted something and then realized you would probably never get it? yeah story of my life.

i wish i knew…i wish!!! but i guess “i wish” is all i will ever get…

wow. God i am so at a loss right now. i have no idea what is going on right now in my head. i went to camp last week and wasn’t touched in the same way i always have been. everything was different but i didn’t see how you reached out to me until now. you are such a great God who is always there for me when i need you.

“God never called me to come home. He only called me to go!” —J Tucker

You have something incredible for me God that i can not even see yet. But God my problem is that its so hard trusting you in even the petty situations. i dont understand why its so hard. God i just want your reassurance with me at all times. especially, God, i want reassurance in the areas where my heart desires mostly. the things i want and hope for but in most cases have yet to receive. God please just be with me!!! help me!!!

ah!! life can be so interesting. its so annoying and frustrating at times when you don’t understand what is going on. so often we just walk through the motions of our lives and don’t truly take in what God has for us. i hate when i ignore the signs and pass over something that might be AMAZING that He has for me. we let our emotions and get to us and dictate our lives without letting God take control of us. i am so sick of getting ONLY what i want and not what God wants. there is something GREAT that i desire right now and i would love for this to happy. i would give anything to allow this blessing into my life but it may not be what God wants. and heck it may be what God wants. all i want is to be able to let God control me and where i go and see what he has for me!!!!

basically i am leaving for camp tomorrow morning and i want God to revolutionize my life more than ever before!!!

GOD TOUCH ME!!!!!!