Lately, I have been struggling with the idea of dreaming. Not the imagination that occurs within the subconscious paired with memories that happens during slumber. Instead, I refer to dreaming awake- having hopes, desires, vision, passion. Ultimately it comes to me knowing that there are things I want (or have always wanted) yet I remain doing nothing of the sort. I am in my mid 20’s and at an age that I always thought my dreams would already be in motion. However, what I have discovered is that my life, thus far, is not what I expected. It is not that I am unhappy but I am discontented with the idea of giving up hope on my dreams and passions. I think that deep within me, my heart burns for certain things, and those things, I believe, are God-given. They are not by accident nor are they without purpose.

Recently I have had other ideas and thoughts on my life- somewhat different than I always imagined. My point, is that I think God uses the gifts and talents that he created in each of us for his glory. He does not change, but we do. We mature. We focus them. We choose to honor him with our lives (or not). We can dream dreams all we want but our dreams should include God. With that, I believe our dreams should not only include God, but be driven by him. To be honest, some of my dreams- the pinnacles of my [future] life- scare the heck out of me. They are terrifying, yet beautiful. I believe my God birthed these dreams and ideas inside of me, to challenge me to achieve them. He wants to be a part of them. So as my life is slowly moving forward, I cannot see my dreams coming to fruition, yet I know God is doing something.

I remember a moment when I was hiking Mount Masada in Israel. It is not that intense of a hike, distance that is, but it is very steep.  My friends and I hiked Masada for the sunrise. It was exhausting, steep, and cold. Yet arriving to the top was worth the effort. It was worth watching the sunrise. I remember that moment: I sat down away from everyone, for just a brief moment, yet I was overwhelmed by God’s beauty. I was staring at the desert, the Dead Sea, and the sun. There was just something beautiful about seeing the rays of the sun spread over the barren desert. In reminiscing on that special moment, I know that right now, I am hiking that mountain. I am working my way toward the goal. The little steps in between check points on a hike matter just as much as anything else. Its about moving forward, step by step, even if it seems worthless or mundane. For me, I feel reminded to be obedient to God and see his love for me- his beauty. Maybe this will not make sense to you. I know my thoughts are kind of random. And I know for many who have hiked anywhere, places like Masada, may not seem things the way I did. Yet, I have to remain confident in the pursuit of something that is worth it. The little things in my life right now that I may think do not matter actually do matter.

There is power in the name of the Jesus.

Reading the book of Acts excites me about the Church or at least the True identity of the Church. Yet I feel like so many do not come close to understanding the real intention of the Church. I barely can grasp the true meaning. The theme that seems to show in the beginning of Acts is community, unity, and new believers being added to the Body. Anyone can just gather together. What set this group apart is that they were joined together and worshipped Jesus Christ knowing fully and believing in their hearts that he was [and is] their true Messiah. They believed fully in the Holy Spirit and its incredible and supernatural power. They believed and lived out the gifts of the Holy Spirit [1 Corinthians 12-14]- the Spirit promised by Jesus, being evident in their lives thus producing spiritual fruit [Galatians 5:23] in their own lives and their body of believers. It goes one step further. Their belief did not just stay in their fellowship during times they would be gathered together. It was lived out. The idea of the Church, in its core, is so vastly different than how we treat it. We treat Church as something to go to and not something to be. We treat it as something that remains stuck inside a wall, yet the moment one leaves the building they can be whoever they want. The Church of Acts, the beginnings of it all, was not a movement, not a building, not a catchy idea to go along with, but a group of individuals that were deeply changed by a God who loved them not because of anything they had or could ever do, but because of a deeper LOVE that had died for them. Because they were changed, and no longer stuck in their old ways- their sin, shameful, and mediocre lives- they were free to serve Jesus with their lives by bringing that LOVE to others, by living their lives with honor and purity and holiness, and believing that everyone, though completely undeserved, was loved by God greater than themselves. 

I feel like today the Church is so set on tolerance that we have forgotten true holiness. We are so consumed with this world and not offending someone or causing disagreement, that so many Churches no longer pursue the Holy Spirit, Christians that are radically living out Godly lives in purity and honor, or a quickly growing body of new believers. We have forgotten what the Church really is because this world does not like the real meaning. It is different. It is radical. It is powerful. To embrace it means change. To embrace it means to live by something out of your own control. And more, it means accepting the TRUTH of Jesus Christ and everything he lived and died for…and rose for. Yes, I do believe there are churches and Christians that are living out this true Acts meaning of the Church without compromise. Yet I see so many Christians today compromising the Word for the World. People justify tolerance and thus compromise what being a believer really means. When we [ yes I include myself in this knowing full well that I am perfectly imperfect and will fail at this] compromise the standards of holiness, purity, and godliness for being accepted by this world…we are becoming acclimated to it and no longer to God’s Word for us. We then are not the Church. We are not living it out. We are not changing. We are not living by the Spirit but instead by ourselves as our own gods, whatever those gods make be in our lives. 

Alas, there is hope. I believe, with great expectancy, that my generation, the era of the 20 somethings and younger, will be the ones that will be a catalyst for greater change. I have to believe, with some hope, that regardless of who compromises their lives in order to fit with the World, that God’s goodness and glory can still be found. We bear his image. We live in his creation. I have to believe that the Church will arise…and be. Not in a building. Not in a house. In the everyday, in the everywhere. Acts is the record of the Church forming. But I believe that its end is not here yet. We need His Spirit to move in our lives. We need His Love, purity, holiness, and goodness to be lived out in our lives. I hold to this and do not give up. 

It has been hard lately to write what I am thinking and feeling about where I am in life. Very hard. To narrow down the scope of what is circulating in my head would be an injustice because there is simply too much. I feel as though I am waiting, in great expectation, for something, not only unknown, but different than where I am now. I am on the verge of something that I cannot actually comprehend or grasp. I am at a time in my life where I am hitting pillars, things that I will always remember. I am not only a college graduate, I will be done my Masters Degree thesis paper in a matter  of weeks. I hit my first year mark in full-time ministry earlier this month. Other opportunities for ministry are coming, and for once in my life, I actually have the chance to take them. I feel like for two years God has me waiting for some things to change. For me to mature spiritually. For me to finish my Masters. For me to be content with singleness, however long that lasts. For me to invest in things financially because, right now, I can. But more than anything…to not be afraid to dream.

I guess what I am trying to say is that in this time of waiting, I have begun the preparations for the next season of my life. God has been stirring in my heart so many things that I can barely contain them. All I want is to serve and honor him with my life. All I want is to be…be present. In him. Be present in his purpose for me. Be present in where he has me now while preparing for where he has me going. All I want is to love him with the deepest parts of my being. No shame. No holding back. God has been stirring in me to really serve him. Relentlessly. To crave him. To pursue him. Its a call to hold myself to an even higher standard. With that, I feel like I have been more distant lately. More contemplative. I have been more desperate to know his heart, to really know him. I have been challenged to invest in other people. To love my neighbor…to love my enemies…to love. I feel like God is moving in me in a way that is new and different and exciting yet terrifying all the same. 

I wish I could make sense of this transition from waiting to preparing. I pray that God continues to lead me. I know, without any doubt, that God is doing something in my life far beyond my expectation. I can plan and prepare all I want. I can have desires. I can even have dreams, but if those are separate from God, they will fail. I need to be obedient to God and where he has me now, while praying and preparing for what is next, whenever “next” begins. We are but naive fools to think we are able to help further along the timing of God’s plans for our lives. Sometimes its just hard to wait. But he helps us prepare in the waiting, the transition and the follow through. I see where I have been, where I am now, and where God is leading. Its both beautiful and terrifying and utterly worth it all. 

Sometimes, being a true Christian [Christ like] can be hard. Being religious is not really difficult…anyone can be religious. Not everyone wants to be be a real believer in Christ. It involves believing in something that offends. The cross is offensive. It shows the sin we each have in our lives regardless if the world approves or tolerates. Sometimes…it is very difficult to stand on the words that I read in the Bible. Yet, if I believe in God and believe in his infallible Word [the Bible] then I must believe in what it actually says, not what just what I agree with. This is where it requires lifestyle change. We cannot pick and choose what we read in the Bible. You are a believer in Jesus Christ, standing on the Word of God or… you are not. There is no in between. There is no picking and choosing what part of the Bible you want to live and abide by. Thus the difficulty. The world says “accept everyone as they are, do what makes you happy, and enjoy it to the fullest”. Living by that ideal is deceptive and ungodly. It sounds good, but without God’s truth in the picture, everything is meaningless and not living to God’s Word. His Word says “love everyone with Christ’s love, live in purity and holiness, and serve God with your life”. That is why it is so difficult to answer a question about lifestyles when it is about something that is contradictory to God’s Word. Regardless of any offense made, I have to stand true to HIS Word and not my own, not the world, not anyone’s. Only His. But in anything, I must maintain the love of God and reflect it in every aspect of my life. It involves sacrifice, commitment, discipline, and grace. I know I have not always acted like this, but I am at least trying. I want to honor God with my life and live a Christly way, yet I know, along the way, some people will not agree and even get offended. I must do my best and live for God at not end.

Very rarely can someone say that they get to be in the presence of survivor of an intense tragedy. I am not referring to surviving cancer or any similar situation, though still tragic. I refer to something larger scale. September 11, 2001 changed America forever. The impact of the planes on the World Trade Center, Pentagon and the plane that crashed shook the nation. As each tower was hit, burned and collapsed the world watched in horror as, we later found out, nearly 3,000 people perished. To survive something so catastrophic is honestly a miracle.

Today, on the 10th Anniversary of the terrorist attack on 9/11, I had the opportunity to listen to the testimony of a family friend, who is also among survivors. Mike survived something that should have killed him. He was in the South Tower on the 97th floor. He should be dead. He should be just a memory and a name engraved on a memorial wall. Yet today, he is alive. I cannot help but smile and have tears of joy because of the grace of God on his life. As he shared his testimony, he shared two notes that his children wrote. His daughter, Sarah- age 11, shared that if he had died on 9/11 she would not have a daddy to play with her, do art with, play soccer with, or make memories with. His son, Christian- age 6, said something that if 9/11 had killed him, then he would not even be alive or have the chance to play ball with his daddy. Mike lost almost every co-worker as well as being immediately unemployed. He almost lost the chance to really be a dad. He almost…but he survived.

The way he so gently explained the horror or 9/11 showed that hope is possible. He did not know if would survive that day or see his family again. But the one thing he was certain of was that he loved God more than anything and He would take care of him. Today, 10 years later, Mike stands tall because he is alive, yet his spirit humbled by God. Survivor’s guilt can continue to attack him, making him feel sorry about surviving meanwhile all of his friends perishing. Yet by the power of Christ’s love and hope, Mike knows with full faith that there is a purpose for his surviving. This is where I believe it to be true that God will never leave us or forsake us. In the times that we do not understand or cannot handle, God is right there holding us.

I am so humbled and honored to have been able to relive that day with Mike as he shared his survival. I am humbled by God’s deep love and stand firm on this: hope in Christ, regardless of what darkness we face, is the only true thing to get us through.

Psalm 91:1
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  

I have been convicted deep in the core of my heart. So many times in Scripture, the call to holiness and purity and living a blameless life resonates, only not in me.

I am NOT holy, pure, blameless, or even close to the mark.

These attributes need to be at the core of anyone who claims to love Jesus Christ and want to honor him. The lifestyle, entirely, must encompass these traits. At times I know that I am a complete failure. I act brashly, not in love. Other times words and conversations come forth from my lips that do not please my God. And still other times, I most certainly earn blame. This is not so much a post about something profound, but instead confessions deep within my heart that I know I fail at fully serving God. I try to so much to honor him with my life. I try to live in purity which is something that far exceeds being modest or not having sex. I try to live a lifestyle that no one can question, especially non-believers, those that are not in the faith. My lifestyle must try to resemble Christ as much as humanly possible. Yet I know often, I not only fail, but fall hard.

I need to still try. I need to continually get back on my feet when I fall. My love for God is the most important and precious thing in my life. If I want to maintain him as priority in my life, serving him and loving others, I must, without compromise, live in purity, holiness, and blamelessness before men and God. It is necessary. I finally have come to terms with the fact that I am, and most likely will be, the odd man out. I don’t drink or smoke [not saying either are sinful, but something to consider as a behavior I prefer not to take part in]. I try to avoid gossip and coarse joking. I even try to limit sarcasm… and I love sarcasm. Sometimes it can be fun and even healthy for all involved, but other times, it is simply too much and too tearing down of the other person. I try to completely avoid movies that are purely sexual in nature. I try to be cautious of my behaviors with guys and girls, alike, as to not bring questions to my actions. Ultimately these convictions are based on the idea that I want to serve God with my all. Nothing less. I put restraints on my life as to avoid falling into temptations that I am certain I would fall. I know that, without him, I would be a mess. I know that, if it weren’t for this conviction that, I believe, God has placed so deeply in my heart, my life would be very different, and probably include partying, among other things. Yet, by his grace, I am here with conviction at my core. It looks different for others. But I know that I want to, with the best intentions, honor God with my lifestyle pure, holy and blameless.

Knowing this, I still fail and fall short, missing the perfection that I seek. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. If I truly desire for God to be my core- his desires, his will, his heart- then I need to live a life of honor, integrity, and conviction on the basis on the calling to be pure, holy and blameless.