Tuesday afternoon, as I sat at a restaurant with my friend, our table began to shake. We each thought the other was moving the table only to realize that we were having an earthquake. What? That does not happen in New Jersey. No it does not. Yet, we both burst into laughter as we watched the things around us all move. The chandeliers were swinging back and forth, the glasses on the table were clinking as if about to make a toast, and cars in the parking lot were moving…actually moving. The initial earthquake lasted about one minute where we were and yet was felt up the entire Northeast United States. Some people were scared…I just found it to be hilarious because that kind of thing does not happen in this area.

If having a minor earthquake was not enough for New Jersey, scaring the elderly and easily fearing people of the region, we were then hit with Hurricane Irene this past weekend. Now I lived in Florida when I went to college and graduate school and survived many hurricanes and storms. Irene was nothing like any of those storms. However, a storm is a storm. As Irene approached my area, the winds picked up, the sky darkened, and the rains were pouring from the heavens. Within a few hours my back yard was flooded and my pool overflowing. During the course of the weekend, the storm tore through bringing some wind damage and tornadoes. However, what made this storm so bad for my area was the rain. Every river, lake, pond and at the coastline, was overflowing in the surrounding areas. The flooding went into houses, basements, cars. It took out small bridges, flooded streets, and basically made what was not a severe hurricane, very annoying.

[Photos courtesy of Courierpostonline.com and Washington Post]

For anyone who has gone through an earthquake, tornado, flood, or hurricane- you can definitely understand, if not better than those in this area, the severity of such an event. What had me thinking was the fact this all happened in a 6 day period. It made me think of Creation and how it started off as perfect and good, but with sin in Man, the earth is no longer perfect. Creation groans, like a woman in childbirth, because of the anguish of sin and the imperfection of this world [Romans 8:22]. I cannot help but find this to be fascinating. The earth recognizes the imperfection of this world and groans- clearly showing that there is more to this physical earth than just elements and science- and yet sees God. There has to be more. It shows the Creator. With that it worships Him, God- the Creator of this world. It shows the majesty of a God who created this world, though perfect in its beginning, and his power. I have to believe that in a storm, earthquake, tsunami or any other natural disaster you can think of, that somehow Creation, in its imperfection, is trying to worship God. All I can do in the devastating things that happen in this world is believe that God is a mighty God deserving my worship and honor, as well as believe that this world one day, again, have the perfect beauty of God. I look forward to that day.

Lately, it seems, that I have been on this crazy kick to just do what I want. It’s not rebellion. It’s not breaking the law. It’s going after my dreams. In pursuit of my passions, I am holding nothing back. There is no fear. There is no shame. It is me going after everything I have ever wanted. I only get to live once. With that, I want to live my life of excellence, passion, and honor… all to God. Not to sound arrogant, but I feel like I have had some amazing experiences. Amazing days. Moments that have shaped me. Only…I have expectation that my best days are still ahead. I want to make the most of this life that God has given me. All to him, all for him.

Lately, my heart has been burdened greatly with loss. It is not about me losing some family member or friend to death, but instead, it is about the loss of those who have come and gone from my life. I understand that there are seasons for friendships and people move on. Really, I know this. Through my five years in school down in Florida, I had developed a close group of friends, many of which I still greatly cherish. Then there are those friends from home. In both worlds, I have lost many of those friends. Friends I thought I could never lose. And it saddens me greatly. I know for a long time I was not always the nicest person or easy to deal with, especially when it came to how Christians should act. I know this. I was judgmental, arrogant, and self-righteous. I was also hiding under great insecurity and uncertainty. Because of how I acted during my high school years and early college, I have lost dear friends.

Maybe some were right to give up on our friendship. I understand that some were hurt on my own path of self-discovery. I understand that, really I do. Yet what saddens me more is the fact that over these past three years I have tried to redeem myself from who I had become. I have tried to show those friends, especially those friends, that the girl they knew was no more. I was different then. I have been hurt too by others. But I have forgiven. At the core of my heart is forgiveness- God taught me that lesson three years ago when my greatest fear came true and I had the greatest test of forgiveness I have faced. But what I cannot understand is the lack of forgiveness I have received. Or maybe lack of trust. Or maybe….they just do not care.

One of my greatest desires is that reconciliation- forgiveness and restoration- become the core of who each of us are. That is the love of Christ. And I wish I could have that with some specific people that have left my life for whatever reason. If you are reading this, and you know you are one of those people, please accept my sincerest apology. Whatever reason we are not friends anymore, know that I am so deeply sorry and wishing for forgiveness from you, if needed. I have contacted several of these friends over the past few weeks and months. I have tried calling and various other means of communication. Nothing. I just do not get it.

How can someone give up on someone who was once so much part of your life? I guess this is why I feel every relationship I have with any person, I have to treat it with utter loyalty and fragility. I know I am not that person I once was. Though we may disagree on things. Though we may have difference of opinion. But once I consider someone a friend, they stay that way. I am not who I was and therefore I seek to reconcile that which is broken, torn, severed, or lost.

As of late, I have felt an urge to remain silent. For anyone who knows me well enough knows that being silent and not state my opinion, thoughts, or anything for that matter, is not an easy task. However, I am really trying to speak less. I want only God’s words to leave my lips- love, grace, compassion, mercy. I want kindness and peace to be what comes forth. Though I do not think it is wrong to state my beliefs or opinions or defend my faith, however, often because of my boldness of character, I do not always listen completely. I have been challenging myself lately to not respond with words but simply body language, attention and really listening to what is being said, not just simply in the other person’s words. I am trying to study others. I am testing my own capacity at thinking of others above myself. With that I am also, above all, trying to honor God with every conversation, every word, and every joke that leaves my lips. Listening to others is very humbling and eye-opening. My voice is not the voice I want to hear more than necessary. Instead I would rather sit and listen, being the voice of silence in the midst of the noise.

I cannot lie- when music comes on, I love to dance. Whether it be in the car with friends or at a wedding, I love to just move. You might laugh- and rightfully so- but the day I meet a guy that enjoys dancing as much as I do, and does not care how good he is but instead the fun he is having, I will marry him. Of course, the girly side in me desires to dance with my husband one day. A romantic twirl. A dip. Holding me in his arms…those are great things that I look forward to. But so much about dancing, any style, is the foot work. There has to be one to lead. Not both. Just like I will let my husband lead the dance, so I must let God lead my life. I know full well that if I were to try to lead a real dance or the dance of life, I would look ridiculous and completely destroy the beauty of the dance. So I let them lead.

God,
Like a dance, I want you to lead. Sometimes I try to get a few steps ahead, and I fail. But help me to follow you instead of trying to make a routine, when you already have a beautiful one choreographed. Your dance will be far more beautiful, flowing, and freeing than if I were to create it on the spot. Here I am, giving you my hand to lead me in this dance.

While still fresh in my mind, I feel I must share something with you, whoever you are, reading this blog. God has lately been showing me something that, although I have known for a while, a reminder is always key especially when one is not actually living out that which they already know. ITS NOT ABOUT ME. It never has been. Yet my own pride gets in the way of a lot of things that God is wanting to do in my life. Why do I feel the need to take the credit for either my success or even failures when ultimately all of my focus needs to be on God? I was scheduled to preach in church today. I understand that I am not a great preacher, but I am a decent public speaker. I love talking. That can be both a blessing and a curse- I have experienced it both ways. However, I knew this Sunday was different. God has placed a message on my heart more than a month ago and I could not remove it from my mind. I knew it was no longer a message for me personally, but for others as well. Leading up to today, I felt such stress, frustration even, paired with doubts and insecurity. I knew this message was for others yet I was still getting in the way.

Finally something clicked- a reminder of God’s call on my life for this Sunday [and pretty much my entire life]. It is not about me, so how dare I even have the right to be stressed or doubting when God will give me the words to speak. If I am being faithful to God, walking in obedience to his commands, then I will see him work within me. I felt such a peace this morning as I reviewed my sermon once more. During the musical worship set, I just had a sense that God was already present and showing himself to be real and the best part was- I had nothing to do with it. When I went up to speak, midway in my message, I stopped looked at my notes and just spoke. Frankly, I do not even remember a lot of what I said. I just knew that the message I was speaking was not from my heart or mind but from God’s and he was using me a vessel for that message. With words that I cannot recall, passion that came from his heart, and a boldness that came from his strength, I spoke that message. Talk about humbling. God decided to use me, a simple 23 year old to speak about obedience to God to many who were older. As the words left my lips, conviction still wrestled in my heart. It was a good conviction. A conviction that God does not need me yet chooses to use me.

So with this, I encourage you. God wants to use you despite the fact that he does not need you. Not for anything. But he wants to use you because it gives him glory when we honor him. When we are obedient to his call on our life, he will use us. This morning was just a facet of the calling on my life, but it rests as an example of God using someone unworthy, yet made worthy by grace. The same can be for you. It is never about us, but about God. His love, truth, purity, holiness, and grace. No matter what we do, it always need to be focused and centered on him. That will bring him glory. And it most certainly should humble us before an incredible God.

Spending time in Costa Rica, I was very contemplative on a lot. The scenery was breathtaking and awe-inspiring. My God created it! He created the mountains, the ocean, the skies, the flowers. His Creation, just simply put, brings me to my knees.

It is not even the Creation. But God has also created us to enjoy it, to take part in it and be…to be beings of joy. We were able to go snorkeling in the water. Though the water was not perfectly clear, I was able to see fish and creatures of all sorts of colors. Again, God’s marvelous Creation. Later, we had planned on going zip-lining through the mountain jungle. That particularly excited me because it was something I got to cross off my bucket list. Yes, I seriously have a list. Anyway, to zip-line we hiked up the mountain- which I loved- then zip-lined down. Hanging high above the tree line causes adrenaline to flow through the body. I loved it! It was so exhilarating. At the end of the zip-line, the guides gave 3 of us an opportunity to do a free-fall jump. I immediately seized the moment. It was a free-fall off a 70-foot tower. It was similar to bungee jumping, only my waist had the harness, not my feet. Standing atop the tower, it was somewhat scary, only because I knew I had to jump to get down. Jumping meant plunging to the ground then getting slingshot back up. Honestly, it was one of the greatest rushes of my life. I believe God has created us, his Creation, to enjoy this earth- that includes things like zip-lining and bungee jumping. It may seem crazy, but I believe it can even honor God. God says my life is meant to be lived in abundance and joy, to his glory.

Rather than writing a reflection for everyday I spent in Costa Rica, I am compartmentalizing everything, breaking it all down into a summary of our trip.

I love being able to be around kids, no matter where that is. Several mornings on our trip, we had an opportunity to work at a government run orphanage. We had prepared a VBS for the kids everyday, sharing stories from the Bible, ultimately teaching them of God’s love. It was quite a challenge. These kids were not from Christian backgrounds. Instead, their lives have been shaken through various obstacles- abandonment, death, disease, or disaster. Somehow they ended up at an orphanage. Though some of the kids were respectful and had joy, others were dripping with bitterness, anger, and above all, brokenness. I believe God did use our team to minister to them, even if we did not seem tangible evidence. Even if just one kid was able to find God in the midst of their situation, it was far worth it.

[Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” – Matthew 19:14]

One of the afternoons we had another opportunity to work at a different orphanage. Let me say- it was very different. It was faith based, ran by an American couple that has sacrificed everything to help these kids. This particular orphanage was considered more of a permanent home because these kids will most likely not get adopted, for various reasons. Though their situation is not ideal, and for some even grim, their attitudes and behaviors were far different than the kids at the first orphanage. These kids recognized the grace of God in their lives, despite their circumstances.   These kids gave and received love, whereas the first did not even really know how. But that is ministry. That is the Message of God’s love, reaching out with deep love and compassion, regardless of the type of response.