Life is not easy. Far from it. Do you ever hear of someone stressing out over an easy decision? Rarely, if ever. Decisions that require thought and time are the ones that have potential to change the course of your life. Marriage. Dating. College. Career. Location. Kids. Friendships. It is inevitable. I have found that the things that matter most are the decisions that are the hardest to make. Rarely is a decision clear and rarely is it easy. When I have chosen the easy path, I have always regretted it. It usually meant choosing what was easy or convenient over what was harder but better.

I have also discovered that which is easy is usually  not worth the fight. It is not worth stress. It is not worth pain and heartache. That which is easy usually means settling for good rather than great. It is not always the case, but often that is the truth. That which is easy is also rarely worth my prayers. We don’t usually pray for the simple or easy things. But instead, it is the hard decisions, the difficult situations, the confusion and the chaos- even the desperation- that leads to seeking God. Those very things- the hard issues of life- are the ones worth fighting for and worth praying for. Usually the rest is not worth it.

Judas means “Jehovah leads”, however most people do not associate that with this Judas. He is better known as “the betrayer”. Every time he is mentioned in scripture there is a notation of him being a traitor. His story is an example of how deep the human heart can sink; he spent three years with Christ, yet he still denied him. He is also an example of squandered opportunity, sinful lusts, and hardness of heart. He was also the only disciple that did not come form the region of Galilee; Iscariot means “man of Kerioth (Judea)”.  Though there is not evidence that he was outcasted, he may have felt like an outsider because he was not Galilean. His calling is not recorded in scripture. It can be assumed from his behavior later on, that he was a young, zealous, patriotic Jew that hated Rome and their occupation in Israel. He probably followed Jesus because he thought Jesus, if he was the Messiah, would overthrow Rome. It can also be assumed that he was not attracted to Jesus on a spiritual level but a selfish one.  He also worked in a place of trust as treasurer, yet he pilfered funds for himself. Anything money related, Judas complained about.

His betrayal of Jesus was prophesied; however do not think that he was called as a disciple to betray Christ. He chose, in his own freedom of will, to deny Christ. He had every opportunity to take the teachings of Jesus and implement them into his life.  All of the disciples, Judas included, were probably at some point disappointed in Jesus because they assumed he would take over Rome. Judas was the only one that refused to eventually embrace the Jesus way. During the Passover, Jesus’ final days, Judas turned to full hatred, eventually coming out of hiding as a hypocrite to Jesus’ teaching. In Matthew 26, Judas for the first time, exposed himself as a traitor. He went to the chief priests and committed to selling Jesus for only 30 silver coins, the cheap amount of one slave (not much money!). At their Passover dinner (the Last Supper), Jesus told the disciples, again, that he would be betrayed and that the traitor was present in the room. Like the rest of the disciples and eager to still blend in at the dinner, Judas asked “Lord is it I?” and Judas was unmasked in front of all of the disciples when Jesus responded that he was indeed the traitor. Judas left the dinner and then Jesus began the communion part of the Last Supper.

Judas let sin triumph in his heart rather than the love of Christ. It was not a sudden or impulsive decision. Sin never explodes out of nowhere. His betrayal was premeditated (he already took the money from the chief priests). He betrayed Jesus without a crowd or multitude but at the Garden of Gethsemane when he was praying. The Garden was a place for regular prayer time of Jesus. He went to the Garden with a detachment of troops (a cohort of about 600 men) and revealed Jesus with a kiss, which was a greeting of respect, honor, a mark of love, and affection. The kiss made Judas’ deed that much darker! As soon as Jesus was arrested, he felt complete remorse and even tried giving the money back, however the consequences of his actions were done. Remorse is not the same as repentance. His sin was not satisfying and he was upset because he was not pleased. He never sought out repentance. He died by hanging himself on a tree about rocks. Either the rope or the branch broke, and his body fell on the rocks below and he burst open.

Little is known about this Judas. But do not be confused- this is not the betrayer. The name Judas means “Jehovah Leads”, however, the name Judas has developed a terrible connotation because of the Judas Iscariot, the traitor. Sometimes (this) Judas is referred to as Trinomous meaning “Man with three names”. In Matthew 10:3, Judas is mentioned having these names: Lebbaeus (“heart-child”), surname was Thaddeus (“Momma’s Boy”). Both names suggest that he was tender and childlike at heart. In John 14:22 suggests that Judas was not arrogant, rude, brash or overly bold. Instead, he was gently and meek. A few years after Pentecost, he took the Gospel north to Edessa, a royal city in Mesopotamia (modern day Turkey). Numerous accounts and records affirm that he healed the king Abgar of some physical issue. At some point in his ministry there, Judas was clubbed to death.

Everything within me is aching either to sleep or to be fully awake. But I feel recently I been in this weird state. I have so many dreams, so many things I want. Like a sleepwalker, there is movement and action while still in slumber. To wake is sometimes dangerous. When someone is awake they are fully aware of everything. They understand. They know. They are intentional.

But I, I am neither. I feel that I have been in the crazy state of sleepwalking awake. Its like my dreams are in my head and heart alone, but my actions are like a sleepwalker. Nothing. The darkness of the midnight surrounds me and all I do is bump into walls. But the catch is that I am fully aware…a sleepwalker awake but with no seeming ability to change the circumstance.

I do not have an answer or some enlightenment on this. This is just how I feel. I cannot even describe it without sounding crazy. I just have no idea how to respond or act.

God is not done with you yet.

I have been thinking this morning about protection and God’s grace. I awoke in the middle of the night, which I rarely do, to find a text flashing on my phone. I found out a friend of mine had a wreck. I cannot help but think of God’s divine protection and his plan for our lives. In the past two weeks I have had two friends and a relative get in accidents. One friend was a hit by a drunk driver and survived when she shouldn’t have. My relative was the drunk driver in another accident, thankfully only injuring herself, but totaling her car. And last night, another friend’s tires gave out on him.

I don’t always have the answers or understand why these frustrations in life happen, but when they do, I can bet that God is the midst of it. In all three of the wrecks, the individuals could have died or been seriously injured. But by the power of God protecting them, they all walked out of the wrecks. I cannot deny that God works through and in various circumstances. Though they may not be pleasant. He is there. When God allows for people to survive accidents, wrecks, or other unfortunate circumstances, whether it was the individual’s fault or not, it is undeniable that God is doing something.

I fully believe that God has a plan for everyone. If you are living, breathing, and awake today, God has a plan for your life. Don’t give up. You can pretend that he doesn’t care or even exist, but it doesn’t negate the truth. God is God and, like my friends and the protection they received, so God is telling you he still has more for you.

Simon was, at one time, a member of the political party called The Zealots. The Zealots were a feared outlaw, political sect. In modern terms, he was basically part of a terrorist party. Bearing the title of “the Zealot” his entire life suggests that he still had a fiery, zealous, intense temperament. Josephus, a historian at the time of Jesus, wrote that there were four parties in politics: the Pharisees, the Sadducees (religious liberals denying the Supernatural), the Essenes (monk-like), and the Zealots. Zealots hated the Romans and their goal was to overthrow the Roman government at Rome. They were extremists that would assassinate Roman soldiers, among other acts of violence. They were violent and militant outlaws. They believed the Messiah was going to be a literal savior from the Romans (violently) and then rule Israel. They thought paying tribute (taxes) to a foreign king (Caesar) was treason to God. He was also paired with Judas Iscariot when disciples did ministry probably because they had similar political views. Simon the Zealot was a disciple chosen by Jesus Christ, intentionally, not accidentally. Though he’s calling is not specifically mentioned in scripture, it would be okay to assume that it was radical for him to believe in Jesus, a non-violent Savior. Simon’s fiery passion was redirected, by Jesus, which was expressed through spreading the Gospel to the world. He took the Gospel message to the British Isles and died there a martyr, although, there is no accurate record of his death.

Think someone is too far gone from grace? Think someone doesn’t deserve Jesus’ love? Jesus gives his forgiveness to anyone, no matter what their past.

He was the son of Alphaeus, possibly the brother of Matthew (mentioned in Mark 2:14). We only know that Luke 6:15 gives his name however he is not really mentioned elsewhere in scripture on his own. We know James’ mother was Mary (Mark 15:40) who had a son that was devoted to Jesus. She was present at the crucifixion and one of the women that prepared Jesus for burial. James “the Less”, in the Greek, meant “little”, “small in stature”, and “younger”. It could have referred to his actual appearance or that he was younger than James the son of Zebedee. There is no sign in scripture that he sought after recognition for anything (suggests that he was humble and content), had great leadership skills (he was more in the background), or that he asked critical questions (he probably was just a complete follower). Basically James was very much like an average Christian in comparison to today, but after Jesus’ death he radically lived for Christ by taking the Gospel to the nations. Early church history says that James took the Gospel to Syria and Persia. There are a few different accounts on how he died: being stoned, beaten to death, and crucified; however all agree that he died for his faith and the Message of Jesus Christ.

perfectly imperfect. rescued. dreamer. hopeful. content. satiate. unsettled. lost in God. alone. awake. desires. guarded heart. more than a pretty face. pure. excited. seeking. searching. wondering. miracles. fears. misunderstandings. shaken. insecure. hurt. broken. bruised. beaten. loved. renewed. ALIVE. dark romance. in love. imitable. enduring. driven. invisible. seen. mistaken. judged. forgotten. remembered. adored. liberty. freedom. victory. flawed. failed. desperate. redeemed. temple. worship. sacrifice. altar. forgiven. surrender. reckless abandon. forever changed. diamond in the dirt. influence. catalyst. keep someone alive. carpe diam. adventure. risk. thrill. dare to trust. life fully lived. no regrets. true. unashamed. open. transparent. completely simply me.

It’s quite terrifying being led into a place, a direction of utter uncertainty. So often God asks us to do things and just wants our obedience. We may not always understand His ways or reasoning for things. In fact, a lot of the time, completely serving God with our obedience means losing your will in the midst of it, and with that brings something else. When heading into the unknown, we can be filled with pain, fear, doubt, uncertainty…but we must do it regardless of how we feel!

Our obedience to God requires sacrificing those things that hinder us from His will. It then becomes a process of letting go- maybe permanently or temporarily. Either way it means letting God work in spite of everything else.

But this journey, going where God wants, is also exciting. It’s a chance for new beginnings and change. It’s a chance for renewal and restoration. It’s a chance to become that man or woman God has called you to be. He has such purpose for our lives that so often we fail to see because all we want to see is all we want. Our wants blind us to God’s wants. But when we let go and actually are being led for a change, we finally get to see the beauty ahead.

God’s ways are mysterious, and I know I will never fully understood His direction or leading. I know I will always have fears and uncertainty. But I need faith in the God who has yet to fail me. I need to take the risk of faith to actually believe. In spite of all that is ahead, I know my God is there. I believe, and that is what I need when heading into the unknown.

Death. Without death- complete death- effective leadership is impossible. Impossible. How then do we attain this leadership if we must experience death? The answer is that we must first experience God and seek His will for us. The first step toward leadership, mainly godly leadership, is understanding that without God we are nothing. From there one can lead others solely on the power and the grace of God. So again, how can we achieve death if it must be achieved to lead?

Burn your dreams. Tear your heart. Shed your tears. Disappear. Die.

It is a painfully beautiful process to go through. I now can understand that. Christ died for me. Yes the world in its entirety, but let me just focus on what he did for me and how I must respond. Christ experienced terrible pain and the worst separation from God. Why? It begins with the rebellion of man trying to do things their own way separate from God’s perfect plan. I struggle with this still. I cannot lead others if I am not following God wholeheartedly. I must be wholly God’s first before I can even try to influence the lives of others. Recognizing Christ’s sacrifice in my stead, I need to stop fighting complete death. That was a painful realization for me. I have been resisting God; not all of Him but the areas of my life that I think I can control better I have failed to hand over to God. As a leader, I am not following God very well. Christ says we must daily pick up our cross to follow Him. Ultimately that means that we must give up control to God and allow for him to work in and through us. Death in Christ means releasing our dreams, visions, and passions all to God.

We then become nothing. That is exactly where God wants us to be.

God breaks us beautifully. He refines us in the fire. Nothing is left but the true form of what God intends to use from us. The core of leadership means understanding the principle that daily we must go through death and once again allow for God to take control. From that point God will use us to impact the world, not by our power or skill or ability- remember we are nothing. God will take the nothings of this world and proclaim His glory and power through them. God uses our circumstances and experiences in our lives to use in our testimony to His name. That is the beginning of leadership. I recognize my weaknesses and areas that I am incapable. At some point in leadership, especially if I am choosing to die and be nothing, I decide to be different. I cannot change the world unless I stand out and that will only come from constant intimacy with God. With the restoration and intimacy with God, a true leader can only lead well if they find others to walk with them. Leaders must be in teams. That is how God so perfectly designed us. We were never created to do anything alone, but rather to rely on the strengths, the gifts, and the talents of others, His creation. Then, and only then, we will begin to change the world. That is only the beginning.

Smile. Everything is new. Dream again. Have passion.

As leaders living to exemplify Christ in all things, we must dream. Vision is key to changing and impacting the world. We must pray and seek God. In His time He will reveal a vision that is true for you. God often times takes us out of our comfort zone in order to bring us to a new level of obedience and reliance on Him. But in those moments God births vision in your heart and nourishes passion in your life. He gives a calling to those who seek it. In that vision, that passion and the calling, God will give opportunity to mentor and disciple others. It is important to continually testify to God’s grace in life. Encourage others to also stop fighting complete death. Be humble and selfless. Remember again that you are nothing. God is the one that brings you back from death. Serve God wholly in the direction that he guides with the team he provides in whatever culture or country he places you. That is true leadership. Learning to die and allowing Christ to resurrect you to something new and more powerful then what we could have done alone.

[thoughts on leadership while in Bobbio Pellice, Italia Summer 2009]