Sometimes, being a true Christian [Christ like] can be hard. Being religious is not really difficult…anyone can be religious. Not everyone wants to be be a real believer in Christ. It involves believing in something that offends. The cross is offensive. It shows the sin we each have in our lives regardless if the world approves or tolerates. Sometimes…it is very difficult to stand on the words that I read in the Bible. Yet, if I believe in God and believe in his infallible Word [the Bible] then I must believe in what it actually says, not what just what I agree with. This is where it requires lifestyle change. We cannot pick and choose what we read in the Bible. You are a believer in Jesus Christ, standing on the Word of God or… you are not. There is no in between. There is no picking and choosing what part of the Bible you want to live and abide by. Thus the difficulty. The world says “accept everyone as they are, do what makes you happy, and enjoy it to the fullest”. Living by that ideal is deceptive and ungodly. It sounds good, but without God’s truth in the picture, everything is meaningless and not living to God’s Word. His Word says “love everyone with Christ’s love, live in purity and holiness, and serve God with your life”. That is why it is so difficult to answer a question about lifestyles when it is about something that is contradictory to God’s Word. Regardless of any offense made, I have to stand true to HIS Word and not my own, not the world, not anyone’s. Only His. But in anything, I must maintain the love of God and reflect it in every aspect of my life. It involves sacrifice, commitment, discipline, and grace. I know I have not always acted like this, but I am at least trying. I want to honor God with my life and live a Christly way, yet I know, along the way, some people will not agree and even get offended. I must do my best and live for God at not end.

Very rarely can someone say that they get to be in the presence of survivor of an intense tragedy. I am not referring to surviving cancer or any similar situation, though still tragic. I refer to something larger scale. September 11, 2001 changed America forever. The impact of the planes on the World Trade Center, Pentagon and the plane that crashed shook the nation. As each tower was hit, burned and collapsed the world watched in horror as, we later found out, nearly 3,000 people perished. To survive something so catastrophic is honestly a miracle.

Today, on the 10th Anniversary of the terrorist attack on 9/11, I had the opportunity to listen to the testimony of a family friend, who is also among survivors. Mike survived something that should have killed him. He was in the South Tower on the 97th floor. He should be dead. He should be just a memory and a name engraved on a memorial wall. Yet today, he is alive. I cannot help but smile and have tears of joy because of the grace of God on his life. As he shared his testimony, he shared two notes that his children wrote. His daughter, Sarah- age 11, shared that if he had died on 9/11 she would not have a daddy to play with her, do art with, play soccer with, or make memories with. His son, Christian- age 6, said something that if 9/11 had killed him, then he would not even be alive or have the chance to play ball with his daddy. Mike lost almost every co-worker as well as being immediately unemployed. He almost lost the chance to really be a dad. He almost…but he survived.

The way he so gently explained the horror or 9/11 showed that hope is possible. He did not know if would survive that day or see his family again. But the one thing he was certain of was that he loved God more than anything and He would take care of him. Today, 10 years later, Mike stands tall because he is alive, yet his spirit humbled by God. Survivor’s guilt can continue to attack him, making him feel sorry about surviving meanwhile all of his friends perishing. Yet by the power of Christ’s love and hope, Mike knows with full faith that there is a purpose for his surviving. This is where I believe it to be true that God will never leave us or forsake us. In the times that we do not understand or cannot handle, God is right there holding us.

I am so humbled and honored to have been able to relive that day with Mike as he shared his survival. I am humbled by God’s deep love and stand firm on this: hope in Christ, regardless of what darkness we face, is the only true thing to get us through.

Psalm 91:1
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  

I have been convicted deep in the core of my heart. So many times in Scripture, the call to holiness and purity and living a blameless life resonates, only not in me.

I am NOT holy, pure, blameless, or even close to the mark.

These attributes need to be at the core of anyone who claims to love Jesus Christ and want to honor him. The lifestyle, entirely, must encompass these traits. At times I know that I am a complete failure. I act brashly, not in love. Other times words and conversations come forth from my lips that do not please my God. And still other times, I most certainly earn blame. This is not so much a post about something profound, but instead confessions deep within my heart that I know I fail at fully serving God. I try to so much to honor him with my life. I try to live in purity which is something that far exceeds being modest or not having sex. I try to live a lifestyle that no one can question, especially non-believers, those that are not in the faith. My lifestyle must try to resemble Christ as much as humanly possible. Yet I know often, I not only fail, but fall hard.

I need to still try. I need to continually get back on my feet when I fall. My love for God is the most important and precious thing in my life. If I want to maintain him as priority in my life, serving him and loving others, I must, without compromise, live in purity, holiness, and blamelessness before men and God. It is necessary. I finally have come to terms with the fact that I am, and most likely will be, the odd man out. I don’t drink or smoke [not saying either are sinful, but something to consider as a behavior I prefer not to take part in]. I try to avoid gossip and coarse joking. I even try to limit sarcasm… and I love sarcasm. Sometimes it can be fun and even healthy for all involved, but other times, it is simply too much and too tearing down of the other person. I try to completely avoid movies that are purely sexual in nature. I try to be cautious of my behaviors with guys and girls, alike, as to not bring questions to my actions. Ultimately these convictions are based on the idea that I want to serve God with my all. Nothing less. I put restraints on my life as to avoid falling into temptations that I am certain I would fall. I know that, without him, I would be a mess. I know that, if it weren’t for this conviction that, I believe, God has placed so deeply in my heart, my life would be very different, and probably include partying, among other things. Yet, by his grace, I am here with conviction at my core. It looks different for others. But I know that I want to, with the best intentions, honor God with my lifestyle pure, holy and blameless.

Knowing this, I still fail and fall short, missing the perfection that I seek. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. If I truly desire for God to be my core- his desires, his will, his heart- then I need to live a life of honor, integrity, and conviction on the basis on the calling to be pure, holy and blameless.

Tuesday afternoon, as I sat at a restaurant with my friend, our table began to shake. We each thought the other was moving the table only to realize that we were having an earthquake. What? That does not happen in New Jersey. No it does not. Yet, we both burst into laughter as we watched the things around us all move. The chandeliers were swinging back and forth, the glasses on the table were clinking as if about to make a toast, and cars in the parking lot were moving…actually moving. The initial earthquake lasted about one minute where we were and yet was felt up the entire Northeast United States. Some people were scared…I just found it to be hilarious because that kind of thing does not happen in this area.

If having a minor earthquake was not enough for New Jersey, scaring the elderly and easily fearing people of the region, we were then hit with Hurricane Irene this past weekend. Now I lived in Florida when I went to college and graduate school and survived many hurricanes and storms. Irene was nothing like any of those storms. However, a storm is a storm. As Irene approached my area, the winds picked up, the sky darkened, and the rains were pouring from the heavens. Within a few hours my back yard was flooded and my pool overflowing. During the course of the weekend, the storm tore through bringing some wind damage and tornadoes. However, what made this storm so bad for my area was the rain. Every river, lake, pond and at the coastline, was overflowing in the surrounding areas. The flooding went into houses, basements, cars. It took out small bridges, flooded streets, and basically made what was not a severe hurricane, very annoying.

[Photos courtesy of Courierpostonline.com and Washington Post]

For anyone who has gone through an earthquake, tornado, flood, or hurricane- you can definitely understand, if not better than those in this area, the severity of such an event. What had me thinking was the fact this all happened in a 6 day period. It made me think of Creation and how it started off as perfect and good, but with sin in Man, the earth is no longer perfect. Creation groans, like a woman in childbirth, because of the anguish of sin and the imperfection of this world [Romans 8:22]. I cannot help but find this to be fascinating. The earth recognizes the imperfection of this world and groans- clearly showing that there is more to this physical earth than just elements and science- and yet sees God. There has to be more. It shows the Creator. With that it worships Him, God- the Creator of this world. It shows the majesty of a God who created this world, though perfect in its beginning, and his power. I have to believe that in a storm, earthquake, tsunami or any other natural disaster you can think of, that somehow Creation, in its imperfection, is trying to worship God. All I can do in the devastating things that happen in this world is believe that God is a mighty God deserving my worship and honor, as well as believe that this world one day, again, have the perfect beauty of God. I look forward to that day.

Lately, it seems, that I have been on this crazy kick to just do what I want. It’s not rebellion. It’s not breaking the law. It’s going after my dreams. In pursuit of my passions, I am holding nothing back. There is no fear. There is no shame. It is me going after everything I have ever wanted. I only get to live once. With that, I want to live my life of excellence, passion, and honor… all to God. Not to sound arrogant, but I feel like I have had some amazing experiences. Amazing days. Moments that have shaped me. Only…I have expectation that my best days are still ahead. I want to make the most of this life that God has given me. All to him, all for him.

Lately, my heart has been burdened greatly with loss. It is not about me losing some family member or friend to death, but instead, it is about the loss of those who have come and gone from my life. I understand that there are seasons for friendships and people move on. Really, I know this. Through my five years in school down in Florida, I had developed a close group of friends, many of which I still greatly cherish. Then there are those friends from home. In both worlds, I have lost many of those friends. Friends I thought I could never lose. And it saddens me greatly. I know for a long time I was not always the nicest person or easy to deal with, especially when it came to how Christians should act. I know this. I was judgmental, arrogant, and self-righteous. I was also hiding under great insecurity and uncertainty. Because of how I acted during my high school years and early college, I have lost dear friends.

Maybe some were right to give up on our friendship. I understand that some were hurt on my own path of self-discovery. I understand that, really I do. Yet what saddens me more is the fact that over these past three years I have tried to redeem myself from who I had become. I have tried to show those friends, especially those friends, that the girl they knew was no more. I was different then. I have been hurt too by others. But I have forgiven. At the core of my heart is forgiveness- God taught me that lesson three years ago when my greatest fear came true and I had the greatest test of forgiveness I have faced. But what I cannot understand is the lack of forgiveness I have received. Or maybe lack of trust. Or maybe….they just do not care.

One of my greatest desires is that reconciliation- forgiveness and restoration- become the core of who each of us are. That is the love of Christ. And I wish I could have that with some specific people that have left my life for whatever reason. If you are reading this, and you know you are one of those people, please accept my sincerest apology. Whatever reason we are not friends anymore, know that I am so deeply sorry and wishing for forgiveness from you, if needed. I have contacted several of these friends over the past few weeks and months. I have tried calling and various other means of communication. Nothing. I just do not get it.

How can someone give up on someone who was once so much part of your life? I guess this is why I feel every relationship I have with any person, I have to treat it with utter loyalty and fragility. I know I am not that person I once was. Though we may disagree on things. Though we may have difference of opinion. But once I consider someone a friend, they stay that way. I am not who I was and therefore I seek to reconcile that which is broken, torn, severed, or lost.

As of late, I have felt an urge to remain silent. For anyone who knows me well enough knows that being silent and not state my opinion, thoughts, or anything for that matter, is not an easy task. However, I am really trying to speak less. I want only God’s words to leave my lips- love, grace, compassion, mercy. I want kindness and peace to be what comes forth. Though I do not think it is wrong to state my beliefs or opinions or defend my faith, however, often because of my boldness of character, I do not always listen completely. I have been challenging myself lately to not respond with words but simply body language, attention and really listening to what is being said, not just simply in the other person’s words. I am trying to study others. I am testing my own capacity at thinking of others above myself. With that I am also, above all, trying to honor God with every conversation, every word, and every joke that leaves my lips. Listening to others is very humbling and eye-opening. My voice is not the voice I want to hear more than necessary. Instead I would rather sit and listen, being the voice of silence in the midst of the noise.

I cannot lie- when music comes on, I love to dance. Whether it be in the car with friends or at a wedding, I love to just move. You might laugh- and rightfully so- but the day I meet a guy that enjoys dancing as much as I do, and does not care how good he is but instead the fun he is having, I will marry him. Of course, the girly side in me desires to dance with my husband one day. A romantic twirl. A dip. Holding me in his arms…those are great things that I look forward to. But so much about dancing, any style, is the foot work. There has to be one to lead. Not both. Just like I will let my husband lead the dance, so I must let God lead my life. I know full well that if I were to try to lead a real dance or the dance of life, I would look ridiculous and completely destroy the beauty of the dance. So I let them lead.

God,
Like a dance, I want you to lead. Sometimes I try to get a few steps ahead, and I fail. But help me to follow you instead of trying to make a routine, when you already have a beautiful one choreographed. Your dance will be far more beautiful, flowing, and freeing than if I were to create it on the spot. Here I am, giving you my hand to lead me in this dance.