Am I proud of the life I’m living?
What have I tried this month?
What have I learned about God this year?
What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep?
Do the people I’m spending time with give me life or make me feel small?
Is there any my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?
{Relevant Magazine}

Is what I’m doing now preparing me for later?
Am I settling for mediocrity?
Am I who the person I am looking for is looking for?
Do I live my life to honor God?
Do my words, actions, behaviors, habits reflect that of Christ? Or me?
Am I all I could be?

We are gathered here today to catch the bouquet of the bride and to act like wildlife for just a single moment.

I would definitely say that about sums up the bouquet toss that happens almost at every wedding. I genuinely love weddings. And I genuinely do not like care for a bouquet of flowers being launched into a group of crazy girls that actually, somewhere deep inside, believe that if they do indeed catch those seemingly magical flowers, they would be the next to have theirday. Superstitious or not, almost every girl at some point has a glimpse of hope if they can lay fingers on the bouquet. Having gone to many weddings and forced to stand in the arena of desperation, I would usually be the unenthusiastic girl in the back allowing for the other girls to hurl their bodies in order to grasp the bride’s bouquet.

However, in light of being around close friends and being in a fantastic mood, I figured that this one time, I would play along. Front and center, I stood, jokingly pushing friends and bridesmaids to make the catch. My plan sorrowfully backfired as the bouquet was thrown in my exact direction and landed, almost perfectly, in my hands. Clenching the bouquet, I realized…crap I became one of them. I caught it. The bouquet- the very thing I avoided successfully at years of attending weddings. I cannot help but laugh at this. Girls get so hyperemotional about things like a bouquet toss that they forget that love is not in an engagement ring, flowers, or even a wedding. Love is something far beyond a moment.

Though I did not find myself seriously thinking I am going to be next now to get married, I do find myself longing for the day that I can be joined with my husband and Beloved. I would love to meet and marry my husband soon. I cannot lie about that [though that is not because of my recent catch of a wedding bouquet]. I want to love and be loved. Who doesn’t? As I said, love is not a moment, a gift, or a wedding. Love is a daily choice, a verb, an action of self-sacrifice, selflessness, and unity in Christ. So yes, I do want to fall in love and get married. More accurately, I want to live out love, finding someone that draws me closer to the heart of Christ and challenges me to be a better person. Though without superstition, yet with much future hope, I caught a bouquet. I look forward to the day-the beginning of a new journey- I can, among other things, toss a bouquet of flowers into a crowd of crazy girls waiting for their moment.

[I did not mean to over-spiritualize the idea of a bouquet toss at a wedding. These were just random thoughts late at night that I felt like sharing.]

I have often wondered about perseverance… I mean real perseverance. The kind that nothing can stop. I would like to think that I have endurance, and this courage to never give up, but has that really been tested? No. Honestly, I have no idea what perseverance really is or what it looks like when truly lived out. The depth of human instinct and survival simply amazes me when I hear of stories like Aron Ralston who survived because he had great perseverance. I cannot fathom the struggle he underwent. Canyoneering in Utah, Aron fell in a canyon and was trapped by a 800 pound boulder, with only a liter of water and limited food. Pinned for five days with a completely numb hand and a knowing that he would die inevitably, Aron did what I think I could never do.

With a two inch dull knife, he slowly sawed his arm off, severing through layers of skin, muscle, tendons, ligaments…and that’s not the worst part. He first had to break his arm so that he could cut through it. Once he had cut through everything else, he realized he still had a live nerve to cut through. Sending shock waves and painful pulses through his body, he continued to cut. It was probably the worst pain he has or will experience ever. That was the price of freedom. Of his survival. He made it out alive, repelled down a cliff, was found by a family camping and was helicoptered out. In spite of this ordeal, he recovered and is back to all kinds of adventures, not letting his, now amputated, arm hold him back from truly living.

What does it feel like to survive something like that and fully engage in life, with no regrets? Though the odds of going through even a similar experience at Aron, the opportunities of persevering under trial will not cease. I will have times where I can choose to survive at all costs, never giving up. Or I can quit and take my fate. Aron Ralston’s story greatly inspires me. On so many levels, I see what this guy did, both good and bad, mirrored into my life. I really do hope, that in any event of need for perseverance and survival, I can not only succeed but triumph, not letting the situation defeat me, even emotionally/mentally. Ultimately, anything in life comes down to one thing:

Will I do whatever it takes, regardless of cost, to really live…to not only survive but to conquer the situations I face with dignity, humility, and perseverance?

Just late night reflections…

I have been really contemplative lately. I analyze everything. Thinking deeply and intently on everything is all I seem to know as of late. I have been trying so hard to be focused on everything in the here and now but I cannot help but think futuristically. My life is move forward in slow motion, yet it is passing me by so fast. This past weekend I saw yet another wedding of friends. These were friends that got me through college. People I did life with for the past five years. Now they are moving forward in their lives. Though that is just one instance of life as it seems in fast forward, I see other areas of my life that seem to be at an almost standstill. I kind of laugh at the thought of my life being in slow motion. It is not on pause. There is quite a difference between the two.  This year has been a journey for me that began with my life being in a season of waiting. I have been learning so much about who I am and where God is taking me. For a while, it was simply waiting for God’s direction. Now it is about obedience to that will. God has placed me where I am for a reason, to which I am still trying to understand. All the struggle, the pain, the frustration is not in vain.

To have a moment of utter honesty, I am single. I am single by choice. I realized tonight that it has been 3 years since I have been on a real date. With one brief talking period with a guy, I have been single for these past three years. But for the past 4 months, I have been trying my hardest to be obedient to something that, I believe, God has called me to do. Be single. Not entertaining thoughts of even dating any guy. To be very intentional on not even spending time with guys alone [in any capacity to my ability]. I never thought this would be hard considering most of my life has been lost in single hood. But this, this is different. God is calling me to not only focus on him, but to fall in love with a man who still remains a stranger, my husband. The reason I bring up this example is that I realized tonight, that at the end of this dating sabbatical, God will bring blessing. There will be fruit. It seems  like my life in this area, especially, is in slow motion. There is movement, I just cannot see it quite yet. The same can go for those other areas of my life. As long as I am obedient with what God has placed before me now, later God can and will bring blessing. It is a promise. I have to be patient in this obedience. Slow motion is still forward motion…it just takes more patience to get to where the story ends.

My heart goes out deeply for those who have experienced such great loss recently. I watch the news and I see the way Americans have been ravaged by tornadoes all over the southern and mid-western United States. Homes destroyed. Lives lost. Wounded hearts. It is crazy to see that so much turmoil can happen, so much damage, from wind. But that’s the amazing thing about it as well. Wind, in its most simple form, is simply a breeze- air. In its most devastating, it is  cyclones that can destroy even concrete buildings, bridges, parking garages. It can pick up an entire home as if it weighed nothing. The sound is terrifying. The damage is beyond anything imaginable. 

But eventually the storm ends. The clouds part and the sun comes back out. The damage is left behind. The memory of that storm will be carried by the survivors the rest of their lives. Their loss as well. But looking at pictures and watching videos of these recent storms, I am reminded of something else. Hope. Storms will come, but hope is ours for the taking. When everything is lost. When everything is gone. There can be hope if you seize it. 

This cross is what was left standing after the church and everything around it was flattened by the F4 multi-velocity tornado. Those in Joplin, MO saw this and in a brief moment of their pain, they had a glimpse of hope and a future. Jesus Christ was with them. Though lives were lost and many still missing, those that survived have the choice to trust God in spite of what has happened. They can take hold of this hope. The hope that saved their lives. The hope that will get them through this devastation. There is hope. Always.

“We are so thankful to God for calling us into bigger stories than the one’s we would have written ourselves.”

You may argue with me on this and, honestly, that is fine.  I firmly believe through life experiences that when I have trusted God with everything- my dreams, desires, hopes, goals, fears, and failures- he takes me with such love and grace. It does not end there though. He has taken my life beyond what I could have imagined thus far. The amazing thing about it all is that my story is still being written. When I trust him, my story is no longer some pathetic and wimpy tale of some girl. Everything is better. Bigger. Ultimately it comes down to one simple thing: do I trust God enough to let him write my story?

You determine your story. It starts with faith.

I have been very sporadic with writing lately. Though I have been seemingly so busy as of late, I feel like I have accomplished very little. It is very frustrating living life daily but feeling empty. Empty is not the right word use either. My brain refusing to attach what is going on with my heart and my mind. Lack is probably a better word. I have been busy, but I have been lacking a centralized focus on God. Of course, every day I continue to read the Word and even pray. I attend church; of course I also work at church. I have constant Christian fellowship. And I greatly do desire God. Yet there seems to be a lack deep within me.

So often I say that I want to do something that makes me come alive. Honestly, I believe God has uniquely designed each of us to do something, something that we do that makes our hearts beat.  Something that we look forward to everyday. Something that we wake up in the morning ready to take on the day because of whatever that thing is in our lives. It is no mistake that God has given each of us desires, talents, and passions… to use for his glory and not our own. I believe God wants to use us and our passions- BUT IN HIS WILL. Other times, I believe that he puts us in times of waiting, where we must just simply be obedient to where he has us.

Story of my life so it seems. Though I genuinely love where God has placed me- my job, my youth group, my young adult group, my friends, just being back home- I know that this is a season of waiting. Of preparation. Of God working in my current situations. I must be obedient to where I am now. Not tomorrow. Not next year. Now. But with obedience, I cannot settle. Where God has me is not without purpose. From what I have learned these months, I cannot complain because of this or that reason. I cannot be lazy with my job, ministry, or my thesis that I need to be writing. It is what God has for me right now. To be a graduate student writing a 100 page thesis, is not necessarily ideal, but I do believe God has called me to write on this subject AND publish a book. I do believe God has placed me at this church as youth pastor to establish a ministry and lead teenagers into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ. I definitely believe God has placed me with my, now dear friends, my young adult fellowship as part of a movement to change lives together. I know what my dreams are. I know my passions and my desires. So does God. He has not forgotten. I believe he is preparing me. I must do everything with excellence, no matter how big or small. Or even if I care at all. If my situations remain the same; regardless of what my tomorrows will look like, let my attitude and my lifestyle be worship and honor to God.

Avengers…For those of you who do not know… Avengers are the warriors of the Marvel Comics. No I am not a comic nerd. But I do love my friends. I have been blessed with being a part of these peoples’ lives for 7 months now and its memories like we made last night that remind me of this amazing blessing. Yes, we were all dressed up as The Avengers. We went to go see Thor in 3D IMAX at the midnight showing. We simply wanted a fun night to share with each other. And fun it was!

The thing I love about this group is we can be so serious, have intelligent and inspiring conversations that challenge each other. Then the next moment we can be ridiculous and doing something crazy. The incredible thing about it all is that we love God and love others. We are doing life together, even the silly things. But at least we are living.

My heart is broken tonight. I find it actually very ironic that, just days ago, I wrote about praying for our enemies, oppressors, and the Hitlers of this world. Tonight marks a night in history as news broadcasts around this world… Osama Bin Laden, the Al Qeada terrorist, is dead. I am so saddened by the rejoicing of his death by Christians. Yes, his death means that he cannot create attacks on America anymore. However, his death also means that he is now in eternity. He was a son of God, lost. Dead. Gone…. Forever.

I do not rejoice. I will not rejoice. Though it is a victory in war, which does bring causalities, it breaks my heart. I understand that wars are fought and freedom comea at high prices. But I still am sad. I do not feel any safer tonight without him alive. I feel broken, because yet again I am reminded of how broken this world truly is. Even terrorists need Jesus Christ’s love, to be forgiven. Tonight rather than rejoicing, I pray, earnestly, that God can cause a movement among Christians around the world that refuse to see lives [spiritually] lost, regardless of what they have done. Redemption is possible for anyone. Forgiveness is offered to everyone.

Everyone.

What the Bible says:
Tell them, ‘As sure as I am the living God, I take no pleasure from the death of the wicked. I want the wicked to change their ways and live. Turn your life around! Reverse your evil ways! Why die, Israel?’ [Ezekiel 33:11]