Holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas, bring about a lot of thoughts for me. Aside from my sister and parents, I have never lived near family or really celebrated anything with them. I am not even close with my family. I don’t remember the last time I really spent time with most of my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Even for my sister’s wedding, only a few relatives came. I just am not close with my family. We don’t even have tradition on holidays. I don’t get the option to spend these days with really any relatives.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve missed out on something. For my almost 23 years, I have never had much tradition with my family for anything.  There is one constant for me for the holidays. Every year, no matter what, I make these specific Thanksgiving cookies from scratch. They take hours, so the best way I find to make them is while watching the Macy’s Day Parade. That is the only real tradition I have. Of course there are a few things my family will do around the holidays, but nothing else is this constant. I long for the day where I can establish tradition with my husband. Starting something new. Adding to his family’s tradition. Honestly, I ache for a family I can be close with. I’d love to marry into a large family. But it doesn’t really matter. I just want the idea of closeness. It isn’t even just about holidays, but its days like Thanksgiving that remind me of what I’ve never had. To visit the in laws, go to a cousin’s birthday party, have family vacations, and to actually argue over who gets to have Thanksgiving at their house this year. I am jealous of people that get that opportunity- something I have never had. For me, I simply will carry my one tradition of just cookies. For now, that is what I have. Don’t get me wrong, I love making the cookies and sharing Thanksgiving with a few families from my church. Those people mean the world to me. But I still feel like something is missing, and that is tradition.

Nathanael is mentioned in all four lists of the disciples as Bartholomew (meaning “Son of Tolmai) but known in John as Nathanael (meaning “God has given”). There is little detailed background of him mentioned in scriptures. He came from Cana, near Nazareth, still in the region of Galilee like all of the other disciples. Nathanael was closest with Philip, thus suggesting his closeness with the Peter, Andrew, James, and John. Because of his closeness with Philip, once Philip was personally called out by Jesus to be a disciple, in his excitement and joy, Philip immediately went to get Nathanael and personally introduced him to the Messiah, Jesus Christ. Nathanael was a negative person that was filled with prejudice. When Philip told him that the Messiah, Jesus, was from the town of Nazareth, he responded, “Can anything good come from Nazareth?” Nazareth was an unexceptional, small town but even still better than Cana, Nathanael’s hometown. He was filled with regional contempt and jealousy. He was not expecting the Messiah to come from such an ordinary and common place. However reluctant he was, Nathanael followed Philip to meet Jesus.

Upon meeting Jesus, Jesus said that Nathanael was “an Israelite indeed”, clearly meaning that Nathanael was truly, genuinely an Israelite that was a true Jew to the law and beliefs. He was pure-hearted, non-hypocritical, authentic, and sincere, as well as devoted, and not just religious. Nathanael was shocked by Jesus’ response and asked him how Jesus knew him because he was not convinced that Jesus was the Messiah. Jesus response left Nathanael in awe: “Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.” This statement by Jesus proved him to be the Messiah since no one knew where Nathanael’s place of solitude and rest was. It proved that Jesus knew Nathanael intimately and in a way that Nathanael could not deny him.

There is little else known about Nathanael. He definitely took the Message of the Gospel out east from Israel however there is not reliable accounts of any specifics to where exactly he went or how he died. Some accounts say that he was tied in a sack and thrown in the sea, and others say he was crucified. But it is agreed on all accounts, regardless of how he died, he was a martyr for Jesus Christ.

 

i hate insomnia. i hate having thoughts penetrate deep within which inhibit me from falling asleep. i cannot even rest. i am weary. i am tired. frankly, i am exhausted from the day. i just wish i could sleep. instead, my heart and mind refuse to slow down. pondering the future, and all of the questions within the caverns of my mind, sleep must wait. though it is nearing 2 am, my exhaustion brings no resolution to the table. i simply, cannot rest. i wonder what is to come. what is going on in my life. i am confused. i am concerned. i am burnt out. i am empty. i am bare. striped of everything, at this moment, i find myself bare, completely in a place where i have nothing…nothing but faith. this faith is all have to hold onto. it is the only constant. i wish i knew the answers to my questions. i wish i knew what was going on. i wish i could foresee everything and make appropriate adjustments. but i cannot. i have nothing. so i cling, ever so tightly, to the one thing i know to be true. yes i am weary and empty and- bluntly- lost. my heart is restless. my mind is restless. everything within me is restless. but i grip this hope in the midst of this unknown.

I have forgotten. Not entirely, but enough to discount things. I feel like this is an unending cycle that reminds me of what I must do. I have neglected my first love….again. It never completely leaves my head, but I often push it from being priority. My first love is more than a friend. He is a lover, my Beloved. He never fails me. He yearns for me, even when it isn’t returned. His heart aches for me to love him deeper. He weeps when I weep. His heart breaks for my brokenness. And still I am not lovesick. He loves me in spite of my lack of love.

Being lovesick means that I would be so deeply affected by this Love, that I would be unable to act normally. Instead, I would forever be changed by it and chasing it in passionate pursuit. Yet I do not. Not always. Just sometimes. Those moments where I do pursue this Love, I feel awake. Really awake. More than anything this Love makes me come alive. I want this feeling to be constant, not reliant of my attitude or circumstances, but always remain. This Love has changed me. Its been my sweet rescue, my victory, the song, the dance, and the beauty that surrounds me. Because of him, I want to be lovesick. I need to be lovesick to have a shot at being alive.

Sometimes, life is just confusing. Sometimes its hard. Faith is such a crazy idea. To believe in something, even with no idea that it could be possible, yet somehow know- deep in your heart- that the risk is worth it. I can’t explain beyond that. It is more than just a leap. Anyone can leap. Leaping just involves a small amount of momentum. But the plunge-head-first-out-of-a-plane type of jump takes way more guts. You risk everything. You risk getting hurt. You risk the parachute not working. But maybe it is right. Maybe the parachute works just fine, but even then, the timing has to be right. The parachute cannot be released early. Everything is critical. It cannot be taken lightly. But the risk is necessary for the plunge- for the adrenaline. The successful plunge relies completely on you releasing the fears and facing the rush. Going head first. It means relinquishing all security into the unknown. That is faith. That is what I am trying to do. To plunge into whatever the heck God is calling me to, even if I do not entirely understand. Its just the risk my faith must take to be where God wants to be.

Philip is the fifth disciple mentioned in all of the disciple lists. And it may seem strange, but Philip in the Greek means “lover of horses”.  Though he was a Jewish man living in Israel only his Greek name is known. It can be assumed that because of the Greek and Roman worlds, many people would assimilate and take on the cultures. Philip, having a Greek name, probably was a Hellenistic Jew. He was from Bethsaida the same town Peter and Andrew were from. They most likely all attended the same synagogue right in the town. James and John were probably two of his friends as well. Looking at that history, it can also be assumed that, because of their closeness, Philip was probably a Galilean fisherman. Simon Peter, Thomas, Nathanael, James, John, and two unnamed disciples [known later as Andrew and Philip] are mentioned as being fisherman. That means Jesus chose at least seven men, all ordinary fisherman- common group of friends all unexceptional men to change the world.

Little is really known about Philip. He is usually paired with Nathanael. According to John, Philip was a “process person”, by the book, practical, narrowly focused, and often a pessimist. He was not a visionary but a cynic. But like the brother pairs, he was probably in the wilderness and at the Jordan River with John the Baptist awaiting the Messiah. Philip was, in fact, the first disciple physically sought out and called by Jesus to follow him. Its the first time recorded that Jesus said “Come, follow me”. Immediately he went and got Nathanael. His response to Jesus was bold, and frankly out of his character. He said, “We have found him”. Although Jesus had sought Philip out, Philip understood the concept of personally accepting Jesus. He had found what he had been searching for his entire life. There was no reluctance or disbelief- complete opposite of his normal.

A few examples of Philip show his true character and how Jesus chose to use him in spite of it. The feeding of the 5,000 is a perfect example of Philip’s weak faith. Scripture says there were 5,000 men meaning there were probably at least 20,000 total people. Jesus told Philip that they needed to get bread to feed everyone. He immediately started counting heads, overwhelmed by the crowd. It was simply impossible. Right? He was obsessed with the mundane matters forgetting that Jesus the Messiah was present. He thus lost the opportunity to be a part of the miracle. Andrew stepped up in faith which led to the miracle. Another time a group of Greeks visited Philip in hopes of getting to see Jesus. The Greeks probably went immediately to Philip because of his Greek name. However, he was timid and indecisive. He had no idea what to do, therefore he found Andrew to take care of the matter. Twice, Andrew was used in opportunities that Philip could have been a part of. The third, and last example, is about the Last Supper. All of the disciples were pathetically weak in their faith that night. Jesus had already explained who he was to them. In fact, the disciples spent three years with him seeing clear miracles and supernatural occurrences that only the Messiah- the true God- could perform! [John 14:7] The night of the Last Supper, Jesus explained that anyone who had known him had known the Father. If they had seen him they had seen the Father. He was the Father, yet Philip was not listening. Philip spoke up for the group and said, “Show us the Father and it is sufficient for us”. He just didn’t get it. Jesus responded, probably painfully, “Do you not believe? …You have not known me…” Wow. Philip had been in the presence of the Messiah for three solid years. He had seen amazing things that only God could do yet he responded to Jesus so naively. For three years he was not really listening or seeing. He had been blind and deaf without knowing it.

Little else is known about Philip after the Last Supper. It is obvious that Philip eventually worked through his issues. He knew Jesus was the Messiah from the start, yet it remained a struggle to fully believe with strong faith for his entire ministry, if not entire life. But he was crucial to spreading the gospel of Jesus to Asia. He must have worked through his doubt. He was stoned to death for preaching about Jesus in Heliopolis in Asia Minor. It was eight years after the death of James. The key is to understand that Philip, a man of weak faith yet practical lifestyle, overcame his weaknesses and expanded the Message of Christ greatly.

I came across this old post that I wrote years ago…in 2008 to be exact. A lot had happened in that year and the years leading up to it. Most of this blogpost listed below still is not the same. But to clarify… I am not that same girl. With God’s love and grace in my life, redemption has been made. I am not some insecure girl dying for her rescuer. I am not in need of rescue. I am not wounded. Yes, I have scars, but I am not wounded. God has shown me who he has made me and I am not defined by my past. I will say this: I still long for a man- the one that I believe God is preparing me for and he for I to come and romance and woo my heart. I do want that guaranteed and this time I refuse to settle for less. Read this blog below knowing that it was written out of brokenness, pain, heartache, and hurt. Know that I am made new in Christ and have been made stronger.

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I am a broken girl full of insecurities. I hate being short because often I feel inadequate, especially when I am constantly made fun of. I don’t find myself very attractive some times. But then I carry a strange arrogance about my appearance. I am not sure how the two go together. I feel like I am fat [like a typical girl] but usually only when I am around really skinny people. I work out a lot to avoid gaining weight-but overall I am in good shape. I never know who my real friends are. They seem to change often. But more than anything I am afraid…no petrified of marriage and intimacy on every level. My greatest fear is betrayal by my husband. So far my luck with guys staying faithful remains a failure. I do not have much confidence in guys….it will probably take a long to get over it. I forgive the guys about the past, yet my heart is still in broken pieces. They broke it without a thought as to what it did to me. It is my scarlet letter…not what I did but what they did to me. I am forever marked as a girl who is hopeless. Anger has been shut up in my bones.

Because of them, I lack trust in every male. Will I ever get married? Because no guy I have ever dated remained faithful, or even gave me the time I feel I deserved, I am terrified of marriage because I feel I am doomed for failure. This fear haunts me. Forever? I want to be enough. I want to be worth it for a guy to truly romance me, to love me, to cherish me, to yearn for me. He will long for me and kiss me and just want to lay in his arms. He’ll love me no matter what.  To him, I will be beautiful and no other girl compares to me.  He will choose me. This time I will not be second choice. I will not be a rebound. I will not be an excuse or a way out. He will choose me…first. That is what I hope for. But I am a hopeless romantic. Every where I go, I wear a mask of confidence. a masquerade. a facade. That’s all it is. My broken smile gleams but waiting for someone to see…to see me. The real me. I want to be known, but I am always guarded. I want a man that can find a way to get through the walls, without penetrating me in pain. I want to be captivated. But I even want more than that. Dreams fill my head. My soul wants to dance, but everything is frozen. I want to be. I want to go. I want to become who God has made me. I am so sick of this pain of pathetic weak guys who have labeled me. They gave me the idea of being less than enough. Innocence lost. Lies. Deceit. Manipulation. The empty words. The broken promises…I refuse to hear anymore. My arm is already labeled with this past. One day a real man, a warrior, will capture me, romance me, and make me the beauty of his world. At least that is my dream. Until then, I am trying to remove this scarlet letter from my arm. It is painful.

A brother. A fisherman. A disciple. A Son of Thunder. Apostle of Love. Look at any of the those titles and one would think that would describe different men. However, each of those descriptions are all about John the disciple, the son of Zebedee, brother of James. John, like his brother was a fisherman in Galilee. As discussed in previous posts, John, his brother and Peter and Andrew became disciples of John the Baptist. John and James were a very bold set of brothers. There was no doubt they were related. From a prominent family, John, like his brother, often thought he deserved special privileges. They were quickly deemed a nickname called the “Sons of Thunder”.

Even with the names listed above, John was a very interesting and important figure in the transformation of history and the founding of the Church. He wrote the Gospel and three epistles named all bearing his name. He was the youngest of the disciples, yet allowed in the inner circle of Jesus with his brother and Peter. Being a fisherman, he was rugged, hard-edged, and tough. He spoke his mind, especially when he thought he deserved special treatment. He had zeal, both a virtue and a weakness. He was every bit intolerant, ambitious, zealous, and explosive as his brother. He wanted to call down the fire from Heaven to burn up the sinner. Everything John wrote was laced with his person…there were zero gray areas. Everything was black & white. He understood the necessity of drawing a clear line.

John was an extremist. There is no doubt about that. He was dangerously extreme which is how he and his brother were nicknamed Sons of Thunder. This extreme nature was both his greatest strength and his greatest weakness, which caused imbalance in his life- lack of control. However, he was ironically nicknamed the Apostle of Love. So which is he? Thunderous or loving? Honestly, John was both. He learned to work through his temper, pride, and arrogance. He learned humility, compassion, and love because of Jesus. He learned by watching Jesus closely and seeing how he lived, and ultimately died. To reach his full potential, he needed to learn balance.

People today are too concerned about love and tolerance that they neglect the deep concern for Truth to be found. John learned the need for loving people and accepting them as they were, however he wanted the Truth and light of Jesus to be exposed. The authentic Christlike person knows the truth and speaks it in love…knows the truth in Christ and loves as Christ loves. Truth is never to be abandoned in the name of Love. But love is not to be deposed in the name of Truth.  John learned this the hard way. He started off thunderous, insulting, demanding, and arrogant, yet he was humbled by the love Jesus Christ.

He learned suffering, something that many people neglect. He was not martyred. However, he outlived every other disciple and Jesus. He was the only known disciple that watched Jesus be crucified. He saw everything. Wouldn’t that change you? Over the course of years, he had to painfully deal with each death of every disciple. Those men had been in his closest companions, his best friends, and his family.

Wouldn’t seeing Jesus die change you? Wouldn’t living longer than your closest friends and family impact you, knowing they died for a cause? John was undoubtedly forever changed by Jesus Christ as well as the disciples.  A man who started off as a simple fisherman, a painfully arrogant man, became the disciple known as the “the one whom Jesus loved”. It was not by mistake, but by three years of close discipleship and a lifetime of character -shaping circumstances.

I do not always like to listen to things people say to me. I do not like to be told what to do, especially if I think I know better. Problem is, I rarely know better. I rarely know what is the best for me. And I have an arrogance with God sometimes thinking I can walk through this life without his direction or will. And its not so much that I think I can do it without him, but sometimes I do not like what he tells me, so sometimes I ignore it altogether. I have had to learn the hard way before, in my past, where I ignored God’s complete and clear direction. I never want to repeat that. I was empty and hurting. And worse, I felt distant from God. I never want to reach a point in my life again where I am choosing my will instead of God’s. Every time I have ever chosen my way, I end up hurt. Oh irony. God created me. He knows everything about me- what’s good and what’s not. He knows every intimate thing about my life. So why I am I ever defiant to him? Why do I ever think I know best? Hello! He created me therefore he must know what he is doing!

“Obey what I tell you. Do exactly what I command you. Your obedience will close the deal. You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours.”  [Jeremiah 11:4]

It is far too stressful to go about life thinking I can handle everything without help. Without guidance, I am just a fool wandering. There is so much I can miss out if I do not try to listen for the clarity of God’s direction in my life. Every decision I make, especially life-altering, better be brought to God first. He becomes my ebenezer– my cry to God for help because I cannot do it on my own. God is my all. I need to trust him that He knows best. Whatever I do, if it doesn’t take me to the place where I meet God- that ebenezer moment, then it doesn’t matter.

[Ebenezer root words mean “stone” and “help”…”stone of help” from the Hebrew]

Service 3

• “avoid the drift”– story about being stranded in the ocean with a dead wave rider
• how do we become adrift? …we lose momentum
• the greatest way you can live a good life is a selfless life
• scripture: Book of Esther [her story]
• Mordecai mentored Esther
• who mentors you to be a better person? who do you mentor?
• Galatians 5
• “For such a time as this”- God used Esther to save a nation. God used Mordecai to guide her. She had purpose for her life.

Regardless of your life and what is good or bad about it, God can and will use you if you let him. God used Esther, an orphan girl, to change an entire nation. God uses people in our lives to guide us and help us along the way. Sometimes we are the help for someone else. No matter what, “for such a time as this” you have a purpose. Where you are right now and whatever you are doing, God wants to use you if you are willing.