its been a while since i really fought inside my heart to find the words. life has been a strain lately and i need to just sit and think. i need to listen to what my mind and heart is screaming. so here, the words come forth. i have been very distant from God lately, not in a completely bad way, “backsliding way”. i just have been in this dry spell where i haven’t known really how to reach God. i feel stuck in the middle of a desert but i can see the oasis near. no matter how close i get to it, there is still distance and thirst and hunger. i need refreshment. but even though this is how i have felt…God has proven himself to me over and over. he has never let me go alone anywhere, nor has he left me behind. he continually reminds of his love, grace, peace…he rescues me in my desert and carries me to the oasis. he is always constant and unwavering, no matter how conditional i become. he is always there.

“as i fall asleep. will you comfort me?
when i’m weak. will you rescue me?”

he is my last thoughts when i drift into sleep and my first in my waking moments of each day. i always have such a peace that everything will be okay….as long as i believe and trust in him.

God works in such mysterious ways.

Jeremiah 33:3
“Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come”

(this caption from my bible- Life Application Study Bible NLT)
God assured Jeremiah that he had only to ask God and God would answer. God is ready to answer our prayers, but we must ask for his assistance. Surely God could take of our needs without our asking. But when we ask we are acknowledging that he alone is God and that we cannot accomplish in our own strength all that is his domain to do. When we ask, we must humble ourselves, lay aside our willfulness and worry and determine to obey him.

~~This excerpt from my bible was so touching at the time I read it. I have been so stressed with some stuff lately, and today I just felt I couldn’t handle it. But when i signed onto AIM/iChat I just happened to see a great friend of mine and mentor on….Evelyn Klinger missionary to Honduras. Well we spoke briefly, she encouraged me without even knowing my stress, then showed me this verse. Its amazing how God uses other people and situations in our lives to lift us up and help us move on–to persevere.

this past weekend i went to Chasing 2007-a worship conference (youth convention) for high schoolers. there Desperation Band did worship. yeah so nothing specific happened to where i was on my face bawling or whatever. but what happened to me was a challenge for my own life to want to be an effective christian. i heard stories of middle and high schoolers her are rocking their schools for God, and i am completely jealous because i know i did not reach enough people. i do not pray enough to change my heart in order for me to reach those people. a burden on my heart so much lately is a kid from my graduating class that i need to reach out to. my point in this brief rant is that i need to begin to CHASE God and go after the calling he has for my life. i must reach a point of DESPERATION where all i can do is run after MORE of God. i don’t know…i guess as a church christians need to stop being so scared and stand up and do something with their life.


this is my story…well my dream. its scattered because thats who i am. i want a deep love. i desire the DARK ROMANCE of my God with His UPFRONT ENDURING LOVE. i want to become LOST IN GOD. i want to be PURE and GUARD MY HEART. i desire to be MORE THAN A PRETTY FACE and be IMITABLE. i want my life to DISAPPEAR, to die to self because i believe in THE SUPERNATURAL in my life. i believe this because i have LIBERTY with Christ. and because of this freedom i have…i can help RESCUE others…i CAN KEEP SOMEONE ALIVE, especially when they were dead without Christ. i strive to meet God, just as adam did. i long to SEE!!

i have reached a point to where i am so extremely confused on so much. not all of it is even bad its just the matter that some stuff has really gotten to me. i need to be revived. that’s probably the best way of putting it. i feel so dead in so many areas of my life. i feel like i am suffocating and dying. as i stated in my last entry, i need God to breathe into me!! i need him to restore the brokenness inside of me. i need him to help me learn to forgive. i need him to replenish all that i have taken out of my life..all of the PURITY and replaced with IMPURITIES!! i am so sick of this stupid game i play with myself. i am sick of walking with a mask-a facade- as if my life is perfect and dandy when in reality, i feel like i am dying. i feel like inside of me i have allowed the most important thing in me to fade away…God has NOT been the center of my life. i haven’t even given him much time at all!! i am sick of it!! i need him to REVIVE ME!!!

Come Awake…(Ezekiel 37)

Breathe in. Feel your heartbeat. Feel alive. This idea has become something that all people desire—to be truly alive. We want to breathe in, feel the beat inside our chest and be alive. We want to feel that thing inside of us, that reassuring curiosity that reminds us that there is something more. But how do we become alive and feel this? How do we breathe, if we aren’t alive YET? What causes us to breathe?

A desert. The beating sun had bleached and dried everything in sight. Nothing could withstand its heat and torment. In the midst of this desert was a valley that consisted of nothing but death. There was no life in existence…except for the one viewing this scene. Ezekiel stood before this valley where he stared death in its grim face. As he stood in the valley, an army lay dead with their bones scattered and dry. But what I find so unfathomable was not this scene of death but rather the event that took place next. As Ezekiel stood there in his own humanity, the Lord asked him a question, “Ezekiel, Son of Man, can these bones live?” Ezekiel answered “Lord you alone know.” Ezekiel answered in that manner because he knew that this situation was before him and yet he had no idea what the right answer was. I have often pondered what I would say in that situation. But it also goes much deeper than Ezekiel’s response. After answering the Lord as well as obeying his commands, Ezekiel watched as thousands of bones rattled together to restore themselves back to their original bodies. But this question soon follows:

“Could it be restored? Could there be life again where life has totally departed? Can strength and movement and energy and awareness and responsiveness somehow reappear in those who are so utterly dead that their bodies have decayed away, leaving nothing but bones-even those very bones have been disconnected, bleached and dry?’
(Tony Evans)

Can something that has no breathe come to life? That’s been my question for so long. It has also been my challenge. Daily I see people as well as myself who just seem lifeless without breath. Sometimes I have just sat down feeling empty, even weary because there was a lack of something in my life. It’s as if I were one of those dead soldiers in the desert. I am dry and bleached by the sun and its heat. My bones have been corroded and disconnected from the rest of me…and I no life. At times I feel like it’s a deep sleep or a coma that has come upon me. But that’s where this breath can come in. As much or as often as I feel empty, dry, dead, lifeless—my Lord, my God has the power to breathe life back into me. He can raise me up to where he wants me to go. He can shake my life and breathe life back into me when I feel dead.

I am not sure why I wrote this. I know it’s a theme and message that has been on my heart for myself for quite a while, but I know there are others who might need this. I know there are people that might read this that feel empty or dead; that feel so worthless that what’s that point of living. Others have no idea where to turn because you have no direction. But God can put back the broken pieces (bones) of your life together again. He can restore you. Let him breathe in you so you can come awake.

it’s been a while. i have just been so distracted and honestly confused in my life and the things that are before me. so much has happened and i just need direction…i need God to guide me! i am trying to discover the plans God has for me at the moment in time. what am i to do with Emerge Worship–should i definitely do youth worship with them? How much involved does God want me at Church on the Ridge…what are his plans? Am i supposed to audition for tour teams to do worship, which is one of my passions? Or should i commit to being the FCA intern this summer and audition second semester for tour teams? Should i go to spain during spring break and continue in missions? What can i do to help with finances to ensure me staying at southeastern? will God bring those people in my life back together and heal their marriage? when will i be completely free and know God’s restoration…and allow it for my life? i don’t know…life is just crazy at this moment. these months have been some of the hardests months of my life and is not getting easier. i just need God and his EVERYTHING in my life!!! restoration, forgiveness, healing, power, boldness, strength, freedom, holiness, righteousness, revival!!!