God is beautiful. I cannot deny the love that I feel that only he can give. Everything about him is beautiful. Everyone longs for something, to fill the void in our lives. You can seek it wherever, and even fill it…for a time. But the one thing that has yet to fail me is the true love of a God that loves me in spite of all of my failures, insufficiencies, and mistakes. When I choose to love other things and replace him, he still loves me. His love never fails. It never quits. His love is beautiful. Joy. Unending joy. You think it doesn’t exist? Look at the stars. Or the sunrise. Or the snow gently falling. In the thunder. Or the lighting. In a baby’s laugh. I could go on. “We do not reason why a sunset is beautiful; the beauty is mysteriously self-evident…Love’s mystery requires no explanation.” The beauty of God is undeniable. And it has changed my life forever.

I am finally at a point where I see love from such a different perspective. I am so sick of people today and their lack of devotion to what love should be. Love was not not designed by God to be thrown around without much thought or prayer.

Even have gone to a Christian university- love is not what it is meant to be. Couple after couple I see ending their relationships, including mine, because they recognize that something wasn’t right. Yet I see so many other couples meet, then get engaged, then married all within their college experience. Now I do not belittle that at all, but don’t neglect the call for Godly love the way it was supposed to be. Others date just to date without thought at all. It is just a game to them. Some don’t even date, but justify random hook-ups. It doesn’t even matter to them.

I worked at Kay Jewelers. I would “sell” love. Couples would come in all the time to buy something as evidence as their commitment to another. It may have been a ring, a necklace, bracelet. Yet I can tell you how many of those couples are in affairs or they break up within a year of their engagement. Or many would commit to that love and get married…then divorce. Love goes beyond a simple promise.

Love is a solemn, covenant- a vow until forever- a commitment to remain strong. And now I realize why people are failing at this. I once looked up definitions for love…and this is what I complied:

“Faithful and unconditional in both good and bad, joy and sorrow. To honor and respect. To cherish in failure and triumph. To care, protect, encourage and to never give up. To love in spite of…in the presence of God.”

Marriage, or even just love, may not always be perfect, beautiful or exciting but it is a gift from God- an opportunity to make it beautiful choosing to love with the same love that was sacrificed. God has given us each such an opportunity to find love. Don’t waste it on anyone but the person that deserves your whole first. Love God more than anything. Fall into a dark romance with your Beloved. Become lost in His love. When you become so in love with one who is deserving, love then means so much more. You can love others, love your fiance or your boyfriend/girlfriend, love your spouse, and love your families beyond what you thought you could because you have something stronger backing you up. We are called to love and to be love…nothing less than that. Let your heart be captivated by the dark romance of God.

For thou, O Lord, art high above all the earth
Thou art exalted far above all gods

I exalt Thee, I exalt Thee

We exalt Thee, We exalt Thee O Lord

Oh with all we have

And with all we are
We have come so far
To lift your name
Lift your name on high, Jesus
Cause it’s all about You, oh Jesus
Oh it’s all about you- oh yeah yeah yeah
And this love, this song, this praise
Is what we bring to You

I love this song. I have listened to it all weekend. Honestly, this week has not been easy. I am just struggling with some things. I want to honor God in all of my life, yet in the uncertainties, it’s far from easy. It is very hard to trust God in things that I cannot understand. At the same time, he has brought me to a place in my life that I would not be without him. I am forever grateful for what he has done. I need to trust. I need to strive to live honorably for God. All that I am is nothing without him. I need to exalt God- my sweet Jesus- in my life always.

My Beloved,

I have heard your prayers, and I can see your heart. I know where you are. I haven’t forgotten you. I haven’t left you. I am the first and the last, and I will be with you through it all. Do I have your attention? I need you to understand something that will change everything.

I love you.

I have always loved you. You are the apple of my eye. Nothing will ever change that. No eye has seen, no ear has heard of the things I have prepared for you. It is my desire to begin to reveal them to you even now!

Come away with me. I want to take you to a new place my Beloved. One of higher heights and newer understandings. I want you to understand the power of my affections for you. Trust me Beloved. Let go of your fears, insecurities, and misunderstandings. Let go of what you think I can’t or won’t do for you. I love you. I have much more to show you and many places to take you. Open your heart and draw near to me. Enter into my arms, and rest my child.

All Yours,
I AM

Removing a band-aid is probably one of the most annoying things to do. Depending on where it was placed, it could actually be quite painful. Reading this, you probably shake your head. But think about it. Band-aids are used to cover something damaged. When a wound is large enough, it gets a cast, a wrap, or something else to hide it. They come in colors, skin tones, cartoons, superheroes, and much more.

Realistically speaking people like to cover their wounds. Who likes to walk around exposing their pain? Who likes to let others see the cuts, bruises, and even deep wounds when a simple band-aid or wrap can hide it? The funny thing is about a band-aid [or a cast], it hides the wound itself, but it doesn’t disguise it. It simples covers the ugly and the messy, yet we all still know its there.

Everyone has hurt. Pain. Wounds. You can pretend, and even try to hide it. But we all have it. We all know its there. Removing a band-aid of the self exposes a part of our lives that we each try to disguise or hide. It can be painful. But more than the pain, it forces transparency and vulnerability. But it is necessary. To keep a wound covered for some time is okay. It helps heal. But the healing needs to be exposed to air with no covering. Our hearts need the same. We all have wounds and end up with scars. The best is to realize that after time, don’t hide it, but embrace it as part of you. Wounds are inevitable. But they do not define you.

What does define you is what you do after the fact. Jesus is my healer. He takes care of me when I am wounded. And he-over time- helps me deal with it. He defines me.

Honestly, the simple things really speak to me. Nature really speaks to me. It reminds me of the beauty of my God. He created everything. He created me. I matter to him. Seeing just the simplicity of nature shows me but a glimpse of the mysterious beauty of my God that so captivates me.

This one flower, bloomed alone in the middle of this field, matters to God. If true, then doesn’t that mean God cares about me? My concerns? My worries? My desires? He is with me. I am never alone. I have no reason to truly doubt him.

These simple parts of nature, though maybe meaningless to anyone else, means the world to me. God made and cares so much about thelittle things of this world. How much more does he care about me? Oh this Love, this Grace, this Life I do not deserve, yet receive. God never ceases to amaze me.

Holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas, bring about a lot of thoughts for me. Aside from my sister and parents, I have never lived near family or really celebrated anything with them. I am not even close with my family. I don’t remember the last time I really spent time with most of my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Even for my sister’s wedding, only a few relatives came. I just am not close with my family. We don’t even have tradition on holidays. I don’t get the option to spend these days with really any relatives.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve missed out on something. For my almost 23 years, I have never had much tradition with my family for anything.  There is one constant for me for the holidays. Every year, no matter what, I make these specific Thanksgiving cookies from scratch. They take hours, so the best way I find to make them is while watching the Macy’s Day Parade. That is the only real tradition I have. Of course there are a few things my family will do around the holidays, but nothing else is this constant. I long for the day where I can establish tradition with my husband. Starting something new. Adding to his family’s tradition. Honestly, I ache for a family I can be close with. I’d love to marry into a large family. But it doesn’t really matter. I just want the idea of closeness. It isn’t even just about holidays, but its days like Thanksgiving that remind me of what I’ve never had. To visit the in laws, go to a cousin’s birthday party, have family vacations, and to actually argue over who gets to have Thanksgiving at their house this year. I am jealous of people that get that opportunity- something I have never had. For me, I simply will carry my one tradition of just cookies. For now, that is what I have. Don’t get me wrong, I love making the cookies and sharing Thanksgiving with a few families from my church. Those people mean the world to me. But I still feel like something is missing, and that is tradition.

Nathanael is mentioned in all four lists of the disciples as Bartholomew (meaning “Son of Tolmai) but known in John as Nathanael (meaning “God has given”). There is little detailed background of him mentioned in scriptures. He came from Cana, near Nazareth, still in the region of Galilee like all of the other disciples. Nathanael was closest with Philip, thus suggesting his closeness with the Peter, Andrew, James, and John. Because of his closeness with Philip, once Philip was personally called out by Jesus to be a disciple, in his excitement and joy, Philip immediately went to get Nathanael and personally introduced him to the Messiah, Jesus Christ. Nathanael was a negative person that was filled with prejudice. When Philip told him that the Messiah, Jesus, was from the town of Nazareth, he responded, “Can anything good come from Nazareth?” Nazareth was an unexceptional, small town but even still better than Cana, Nathanael’s hometown. He was filled with regional contempt and jealousy. He was not expecting the Messiah to come from such an ordinary and common place. However reluctant he was, Nathanael followed Philip to meet Jesus.

Upon meeting Jesus, Jesus said that Nathanael was “an Israelite indeed”, clearly meaning that Nathanael was truly, genuinely an Israelite that was a true Jew to the law and beliefs. He was pure-hearted, non-hypocritical, authentic, and sincere, as well as devoted, and not just religious. Nathanael was shocked by Jesus’ response and asked him how Jesus knew him because he was not convinced that Jesus was the Messiah. Jesus response left Nathanael in awe: “Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.” This statement by Jesus proved him to be the Messiah since no one knew where Nathanael’s place of solitude and rest was. It proved that Jesus knew Nathanael intimately and in a way that Nathanael could not deny him.

There is little else known about Nathanael. He definitely took the Message of the Gospel out east from Israel however there is not reliable accounts of any specifics to where exactly he went or how he died. Some accounts say that he was tied in a sack and thrown in the sea, and others say he was crucified. But it is agreed on all accounts, regardless of how he died, he was a martyr for Jesus Christ.

i hate insomnia. i hate having thoughts penetrate deep within which inhibit me from falling asleep. i cannot even rest. i am weary. i am tired. frankly, i am exhausted from the day. i just wish i could sleep. instead, my heart and mind refuse to slow down. pondering the future, and all of the questions within the caverns of my mind, sleep must wait. though it is nearing 2 am, my exhaustion brings no resolution to the table. i simply, cannot rest. i wonder what is to come. what is going on in my life. i am confused. i am concerned. i am burnt out. i am empty. i am bare. striped of everything, at this moment, i find myself bare, completely in a place where i have nothing…nothing but faith. this faith is all have to hold onto. it is the only constant. i wish i knew the answers to my questions. i wish i knew what was going on. i wish i could foresee everything and make appropriate adjustments. but i cannot. i have nothing. so i cling, ever so tightly, to the one thing i know to be true. yes i am weary and empty and- bluntly- lost. my heart is restless. my mind is restless. everything within me is restless. but i grip this hope in the midst of this unknown.

I have forgotten. Not entirely, but enough to discount things. I feel like this is an unending cycle that reminds me of what I must do. I have neglected my first love….again. It never completely leaves my head, but I often push it from being priority. My first love is more than a friend. He is a lover, my Beloved. He never fails me. He yearns for me, even when it isn’t returned. His heart aches for me to love him deeper. He weeps when I weep. His heart breaks for my brokenness. And still I am not lovesick. He loves me in spite of my lack of love.

Being lovesick means that I would be so deeply affected by this Love, that I would be unable to act normally. Instead, I would forever be changed by it and chasing it in passionate pursuit. Yet I do not. Not always. Just sometimes. Those moments where I do pursue this Love, I feel awake. Really awake. More than anything this Love makes me come alive. I want this feeling to be constant, not reliant of my attitude or circumstances, but always remain. This Love has changed me. Its been my sweet rescue, my victory, the song, the dance, and the beauty that surrounds me. Because of him, I want to be lovesick. I need to be lovesick to have a shot at being alive.