Distant stranger.

I can’t help it.
I want to love. I want to be loved.
Deeply.

I see so many people in relationships, dating or marriage. It gets frustrating being the single one. Even worse, it gets frustrating when I am never even desired by a guy.  But I don’t want to settle for just anything. In this past year I have discovered who I am- who God is shaping me to be. But why can’t it be my chance for true love, not just a romance? I don’t just want a boyfriend. I don’t want a date. I want my husband. I want the covenant love that was designed by Glory.

I know God has purpose for everything. I try to stay positive. I try to not worry. Actually this past year and a half I have been falling in love with a man. Its strange actually. I don’t fully understand. I pray for this man everyday- my husband. I have no idea who this person is or where in the world he might be. I just know I love him.

How can I be so in love with a man that I have never met? How can I be so in love with this stranger? Is he a stranger at all? Do I already know him?

These questions penetrate my mind and thoughts as I talk with my Lord. I have had unusual contentment and peace about being single. But, of course, I have my moments, like tonight, that I just truly wish I could be with that man, whoever he may be. But tonight I am not. Not yet. Not now. I can only pray soft prayers for him: for safety and security; for growth and maturity; for love and passion. Somewhere in this world, tonight he is. I pray for you, distant stranger. I pray God quiets this longing heart until the right time.

I love you.

Expectantly waiting.

Out of the depths have I cried to You, O Lord. Lord, hear my voice; let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications. If You, Lord, should keep account of and treat [us according to our] sins, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You [just what man needs], that You may be reverently feared and worshiped. I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I hope. I am looking and waiting for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, I say, more than watchmen for the morning. O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is mercy and loving-kindness, and with Him is plenteous redemption. And He will redeem Israel from all their iniquities. [Psalm 130]

I am in a place of transition. Everything about my life currently is chaos and confusion. I would love something constant but I feel like that will not happen for a while. All I know for certain is that I desire God more than ever. I want to follow his will for my life…down to my very core. It is just scary. I have no idea where he is taking me. I have no idea what is going to happen. I just know that deep within me I expectantly wait for God to do something incredible. He is changing me again and again. He is changing my life completely- everything from location to job to friends to passions- I could on. I just want Jesus. Everything about him. I just want his love to consume me and take over. I wait for him to continue to change me. I honestly look forward to them. He is my everything. I just love him so much.

The harlot.

There was the harlot facedown.

She was accused of something. It may or may not be true. She was condemned as a harlot. It was simply accusation. She was apparently caught in the act of adultery. What of the man she was with? Why only her? Dragged from the bed into the streets. Taken away to guaranteed death. Surrounded by only hate, she was on her knees weeping. Aside from the possibility of her guilt (or innocence) she was not even given a chance. No room for apologies. No room for defense. Just certain death. The mob of hate surrounded her with stone in hand. It was in the waiting of the first release that time stood still. A beautiful stranger rose to his feet. He stepped in. Knelt beside her. Maybe he brushed the tangled hair out of her face. Maybe he kissed her forehead. Maybe he wiped blood from her brow. He then gazed into the mob. The condemners. When she had no chance of survival, he stepped in and spoke up for her behalf. Who were they to condemn, those hypocrites? Who were they to think that they could take life without a second thought, those murderers? Who were they to take her value of life away? With stones? Hate. Anger. Curses.

The stranger wrote something in the ground. Gently. Or fiercely? As he wrote the unknown the mob dispersed, knowing they would not have their death. The woman would not die. Not that day. The harlot would live. The harlot would not bleed anymore.

But the beautiful stranger took her place. “What’s yours is mine. What’s mine is yours.” Only a short time later did a similar mob condemn the beautiful stranger. Only a short time later did the mob surround the man with the same hate. But he was not guilty. No evidence but a verdict still given. Death. The beautiful stranger would die. This time no one stepped in. No one spoke on his behalf.

It should have been her.

I am heartbreakingly reminded of this woman. She is still around today. She is the homeless person. She is the liar. She is the one that gets the blame. Without a thought, she is the condemned. She is the harlot. She is everywhere. And yet, the beautiful stranger died in her place. Even more, the beautiful stranger died in mine. I have the opportunity to step in and help the harlot. To give her a chance at life. Yet, often I find myself with the stone in hand and the bitter words coming from my mouth. And always I find that the beautiful stranger took my deserved death. I am not without sin. The next time I see the harlot, I have a choice…

Dayerlin and Yudinexa.

Tonight I had a reminder of a time in my life that was most precious. Honduras. To be more specific…La Casa De Diamentes (The House of Diamonds). I gaze at one of my pictures and am reminded of something more. Those kids. My last time to Honduras was three years ago. On that trip I had the opportunity to work with the most precious children I have ever met. More than anything, I got to play with these kids. Soccer. The little girls loved to play with my blonde hair. What I loved most was that they loved the hugs. They loved being held. They loved knowing that the moment I saw them, I would embrace them with such love. A love they have never known before. As I gaze at this picture of Dayerlin, I remember that sweet girl. I remember the scar across her stomach. But I also remember her eyes and smile. But I have no idea where she is now. I have no idea if she is alive now. My heart weeps.  Then I look the picture of Yudinexa. She followed me everywhere. The first time I met her, she jumped into my arms and hugged me. I’ve never seen a child smile so big. I have no idea about her whereabouts either. These little girls forever changed me. My life will never be the same because of these beautiful smiles, sweet hugs, and precious little gems. Tonight, as I remember, once more, these girls, I remember why I love going on the mission field. I remember why I know this is what I am supposed to do. To know I can bring hope just with hug to a little child that’s never felt hope before. To know that I can hold their hand just to help them feel safe, even if for a moment. To play silly games with them just to make them feel special. This is what I am desperate to do. I miss Dayerlin. I miss Yudinexa. I pray they are okay. I pray I can see them again. I hope they remember me just as much as I do. I can never forget them.

safely not. unto death.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I guess being in this time of my life where I figure out what is next. In solitude, I sit, cry, and pray asking God to direct me. In the silence, on the answer of wait echoes back. My aches for so many things. Human trafficking. Genocide. Perversion of sex. Refugee camps. Poverty. Truth…in all of these things and many more, all I want to do is share truth and love, even if only through action. But being here in Lakeland, I find it so hard to be me. I was not created to just serve coffee at Mitchell’s Coffeehouse, even though I do love it. I was not created to just hold doors open at the YMCA for my church Access on Sunday mornings. And I was surely not meant to be sitting here in this apartment in comfort and peace while the rest of this world rages in some form of war. No, this is not me.

Two years ago I went to Honduras for the fourth time. One night my friend Vicky and I were sitting on the rooftop just gazing upon the city. I began to weep on the balcony realizing that in the morning I would have to say goodbye, again, to the very place that first stirred my heart. Vicky, my dear friend, sat next to me realizing that truth as well. But I was stunned when she made note of another truth about me. She said “Mandy, you’re in your element when you’re here…when you’re doing something like this. When you’re getting sunburnt, dirty, and sweating out there. This is what you were created for. This is who you are.” Granted that is not an exact phrasing of what she said, but it gets my point across. What she said to me on that balcony has never left my memory. What she said was true.

I am fully alive and fully myself when I am doing what I know is what I was created for.  I know that in my heart I am not doing everything I can here because here is not where I am meant to be, at least not for long. Even further, I am beginning to believe that where I am meant to be will be harder, more uncomfortable, and even more dangerous than anything I have experienced. Something inside of me is preparing me for what is to come. Maybe you won’t agree with me. Maybe you believe that God doesn’t put his followers in danger.

Last summer, a friend of mine- a missionary to the Middle East- make a comment I can never forget. She said “Don’t you dare pray for my safety. Never pray for my safety. Always my ministry.” I want to get to that point. I want to get to the place where literally everything in focus is what God leads me to. I do not want to face fear alone because of the strength and courage of Christ. I do not want to back down from anything for possibility of danger or even worse….death. I don’t know. I just believe, that deep down, this year and last- are preparing me for the years to follow. The hard years. I’ve been struggling financially. I’ve been injured and sick in more ways than ever before. I have never felt more alone than now. I have never been more discontent than now. I feel that all of this, everything I have been dealing with is preparing me for the coming years of hard ministry in foreign countries. Not countries where you can speak the name of Christ and be done with it. But countries that speaking the name of Christ gets your stoned or killed. Counties that bring threat of bombings. Countries that kidnap American women for sex trafficking. Countries that kill anyone that speaks truth in any way. These are the areas that I feel I will soon be approaching.

I need to get to that point where danger is never my focus. Safety is never my focus. My ministry must be, at all times, my priority, even if unto death.


heart cry.

take this girl. lost and empty. confused. shattered. waiting. but more than anything, ready. ready for change. ready to move on. ready to be fully alive. awake. all that she is, there is a yearning for more. beyond the normal. beyond the common. beyond. like a nazarite, she is moved by conviction and purpose. it rests within her. it separates her. she is different. even outcasted. looking through the window at the rest, she sits waiting. there is purpose. but in all, there can be no compromise. compromise would be failure. there can be nothing holding her back. her life is not her own. instead it is full of destiny- purpose beyond herself. to bring rescue. to bring beauty. to bring life. more than anything to be pure. compromise is not an option. it can’t be. too much rests on being faithful and true. living like the nazarite fully devoted to the calling at hand. up ahead there is so much. a job. a career. a family. a husband. a child. a country. a destiny. a promise. a calling. conviction is what holds her together and keeps her to her word. conviction is what drives her to actually see through true eyes and lead her to what is ahead. conviction is what leads her to purpose and keeps her moving forward. the heart cry of this girl waits for the beautiful collision of brokenness with beauty, humanity with glory, sacrifice with conviction, and calling with destiny.

the pillars fall.

Samson. Most people know about Samson as the man with the long hair that made him strong. They also know that he fell in  love with a woman that deceived him. But there is so much more…

Samson was a man born to live as a Nazarite- following strictly to a set of standards. From the very beginning the Bible says that the Spirit of God was working on him- in the womb and childhood. But something else was also working greatly in him. Lust. It consumed him. He was a Nazarite- an Israelite- yet he continually fell in love with these other women, women from another people group. It wasn’t just that these women were from a different people group, it was that they were pagan and evil. He fell in love with the enemy. The first one was a daughter of Timnah. At the wedding feast, he gave a riddle to the guests to solve. Because they couldn’t solve it, the his bride became angry. By the end of the feast Samson killed thirty of the men. [don’t focus on that Samson kills…not yet at least]. He later finds a prostitute…something not exactly kosher in the Nazarite vow. She as, yet again, from the enemy people the Philistines. While he was with her, the men of the town decided they’d kill him. Samson in turn killed all of the conspirators. And yet once more, Samson fell in love with a Philistine woman- the famous Delilah. I would bet that she didn’t love him at all. She simply was there to deceive and betray for the Philistines to defeat their greatest enemy, Samson.

One thing was for certain- God was with Samson regardless of his mistakes. On three known occasions he had relations with Philistine women, a pagan, evil, unclean people that the Israelites and especially, a Nazarite, were to avoid. But every time before and after Samson made the mistake of doing something stupid, the Bible says that the Spirit came upon him with power. God had a reason for using Samson. He was born to live as a Nazarite and have the greatest strength of any man- basically supernatural. He was able to kill a lion: “when he got to the vineyard of Timnah, a young lion came at him, roaring. The Spirit of God came upon him powerfully and he ripped it open barehanded” [Judges 14:5-6]. Wow. Other times Judges 14-16, Samson, without struggle, kills men- not single fits, but large groups of men. These men were not innocent either…they were the enemy of Israel and scheming to kill Samson with opportunity would come. But every time the Spirit of God empowered him…well almost.

Samson, consumed by his lust, finally gave into the deception of Delilah. He wanted her so bad, that he caved. He gave Delilah the secret to his strength, which was also the method of God’s punishment on the evil’s of the Philistines. His hair had never been touched with a razor, never cut. When he had fallen asleep, Delilah had the Philistine men come and cut his hair. Judges 16 says that he immediately grew weak. And worse…”he didn’t realize that God had abandoned him”. Other translations, more accurately, say that “the Spirit of God left Samson and he didn’t realize it”. The point is that the moment he let his lust consume him and take control of his life, disallowing for God to lead him, things changed. And worse he got to a point where he had no idea that God’s anointing on his life was gone. He had no idea that God was no longer with him- no longer would put up with his behavior and no longer allow for his lust to interfere.

I never want to get to the point where God leaves me. I never want to get to the point where the Spirit can no longer work in my life because of my sin and selfishness. And much much worse, I never want to be so far off that God’s Spirit and anointing can longer dwell in my life because of how corrupt my heart has become. Samson was lost, so it seems. He was betrayed by the woman he loved. His eyes were gouged out and he was humiliated in front of the entire Philistine people. I wonder how he felt? When did he finally realize that God’s Spirit was no longer with him? But God’s grace, again goes so far. Samson cried out to God, asking for one more chance. Oh the beauty of God’s grace. God’s spirit came upon him once more, and Samson died that day after pulling down the pillars killing all the people within the building. “He killed more people in his death than he had killed in his life.” [Judges 16:30]

God returned to Samson. After betrayal and rejection. After lust. After selfishness. After pride. God returned. His grace- his Spirit- gave Samson more power than ever before in his last moments, proving that he is faithful. Though I hope I never reach the point where God’s Spirit leaves me, I hope that if I ever walk away or betray my God, that he returns with love and grace and power.

not of me.

the nations tremble. let me shake. your glory falls down. now. all over me. i feel it. shaking. lets us be moved for you. let us be shaken by your glory. let us fall before you. humble and broken. broken. broken. break me. God desperately i ask that you shatter my world. shake up my world. let it come. let it come. let it come. Yahweh meet us. even if we only see your back, let us see. let us have but a glimpse of your glory. of your beauty. let love and mercy rain on us. let your justice move us. awaken our hearts. move us to you. in a whisper. in a storm. in pain. sorrow. move us to you. holy. you are holy. touch the coal to our hearts, our minds. bring us in. bring us in. break us Abba. take our selfishness and kill it. on the altar, let us die and rise again in power. we consecrate our lives. we circumcise our hearts, our minds before you. we cannot move forward and remain the same. we have met Yahweh and we are no more. we are in Christ. we are no longer bound to our past. no longer held captive by our sin. we are free. let us move to the nations in the glorious liberty we have. let us never stop but by death. nothing less. let us live our every breath for you. relentlessly.

Culture Shock.

Its strange. I am home, in America. Yet I am not the same as when I left. I am new. Returning home from Israel, I have not been able to make a proper analysis of my experience. I try to sit and understand the past five weeks. I try to fathom everything, yet I find myself at a loss. I have come from the most intense emotional, spiritual and physical experience of my life. America. This land that I live in now seems less glorious. Pride. Arrogance. English signs and speaking. TV. Media. Commercials. Radio.

The church- a structure that was established by man- so often takes perspective from Israel and the Jews to replace it with Christians. Replacement theology. The Bible- the scriptures- were not written so different sects of Christianity could interpret it to fit their mold of faith. The scriptures were written as accounts to the glory of God and his promise regarding Israel and the Jews. Yes I am a Christian. Yes I love Christ. But experiencing the church, now, after experiencing Israel, is somewhat draining. Not draining because it is wrong but rather because the attitudes of so many lack an awe of God and a love for Israel. It is so hard to try to explain to people at church what my experience was like. I can’t fully explain it because they will not fully grasp it.

With all of this I have come to this conclusion: I am in culture shock…in America. So much is different. So much is off base. So much is not where I feel it should be. Yet so much is just not Israel. My heart has been changed. I have been made new. Israel is where my restoration happened. Jerusalem is where I met God. It is not America that is the issue nor is it my church. Yes there are things that I feel should be different, however, I am new and not numb. Returning home will take to adjust and settle. But I will not forget. I cannot forget. Israel was the end of my beginning. So as I drive around New Jersey, as I sit in my church, as I lay on my diving board gazing at the stars, I will remember. Those moments that shaped me- I will remember. That country that changed me, I will remember. God that met me- I will remember.

God of the City.

Exactly how I feel about Jerusalem.

 

You’re the God of this City
You’re the King of these people
You’re the Lord of this nation
You are

You’re the Light in this darkness
You’re the Hope to the hopeless
You’re the Peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City

[This is a powerful song by Chris Tomlin/Bluetree]