Category: Thoughts

Expectantly waiting.

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Out of the depths have I cried to You, O Lord. Lord, hear my voice; let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications. If You, Lord, should keep account of and treat [us according to our] sins, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You [just what man needs], that You may be reverently feared and worshiped. I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I hope. I am looking and waiting for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, I say, more than watchmen for the morning. O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is mercy and loving-kindness, and with Him is plenteous redemption. And He will redeem Israel from all their iniquities. [Psalm 130]
I am in a place of transition. Everything about my life currently is chaos and confusion. I would love something constant but I feel like that will not happen for a while. All I know for certain is that I desire God more than ever. I want to follow his will for my life…down to my very core. It is just scary. I have no idea where he is taking me. I have no idea what is going to happen. I just know that deep within me I expectantly wait for God to do something incredible. He is changing me again and again. He is changing my life completely- everything from location to job to friends to passions- I could on. I just want Jesus. Everything about him. I just want his love to consume me and take over. I wait for him to continue to change me. I honestly look forward to them. He is my everything. I just love him so much.

Dayerlin and Yudinexa.

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Tonight I had a reminder of a time in my life that was most precious. Honduras. To be more specific…La Casa De Diamentes (The House of Diamonds). I gaze at one of my pictures and am reminded of something more. Those kids. My last time to Honduras was three years ago. On that trip I had the opportunity to work with the most precious children I have ever met. More than anything, I got to play with these kids. Soccer. The little girls loved to play with my blonde hair. What I loved most was that they loved the hugs. They loved being held. They loved knowing that the moment I saw them, I would embrace them with such love. A love they have never known before. As I gaze at this picture of Dayerlin, I remember that sweet girl. I remember the scar across her stomach. But I also remember her eyes and smile. But I have no idea where she is now. I have no idea if she is alive now. My heart weeps.  Then I look the picture of Yudinexa. She followed me everywhere. The first time I met her, she jumped into my arms and hugged me. I’ve never seen a child smile so big. I have no idea about her whereabouts either. These little girls forever changed me. My life will never be the same because of these beautiful smiles, sweet hugs, and precious little gems. Tonight, as I remember, once more, these girls, I remember why I love going on the mission field. I remember why I know this is what I am supposed to do. To know I can bring hope just with hug to a little child that’s never felt hope before. To know that I can hold their hand just to help them feel safe, even if for a moment. To play silly games with them just to make them feel special. This is what I am desperate to do. I miss Dayerlin. I miss Yudinexa. I pray they are okay. I pray I can see them again. I hope they remember me just as much as I do. I can never forget them.

safely not. unto death.

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I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I guess being in this time of my life where I figure out what is next. In solitude, I sit, cry, and pray asking God to direct me. In the silence, on the answer of wait echoes back. My aches for so many things. Human trafficking. Genocide. Perversion of sex. Refugee camps. Poverty. Truth…in all of these things and many more, all I want to do is share truth and love, even if only through action. But being here in Lakeland, I find it so hard to be me. I was not created to just serve coffee at Mitchell’s Coffeehouse, even though I do love it. I was not created to just hold doors open at the YMCA for my church Access on Sunday mornings. And I was surely not meant to be sitting here in this apartment in comfort and peace while the rest of this world rages in some form of war. No, this is not me.

Two years ago I went to Honduras for the fourth time. One night my friend Vicky and I were sitting on the rooftop just gazing upon the city. I began to weep on the balcony realizing that in the morning I would have to say goodbye, again, to the very place that first stirred my heart. Vicky, my dear friend, sat next to me realizing that truth as well. But I was stunned when she made note of another truth about me. She said “Mandy, you’re in your element when you’re here…when you’re doing something like this. When you’re getting sunburnt, dirty, and sweating out there. This is what you were created for. This is who you are.” Granted that is not an exact phrasing of what she said, but it gets my point across. What she said to me on that balcony has never left my memory. What she said was true.

I am fully alive and fully myself when I am doing what I know is what I was created for.  I know that in my heart I am not doing everything I can here because here is not where I am meant to be, at least not for long. Even further, I am beginning to believe that where I am meant to be will be harder, more uncomfortable, and even more dangerous than anything I have experienced. Something inside of me is preparing me for what is to come. Maybe you won’t agree with me. Maybe you believe that God doesn’t put his followers in danger.

Last summer, a friend of mine- a missionary to the Middle East- make a comment I can never forget. She said “Don’t you dare pray for my safety. Never pray for my safety. Always my ministry.” I want to get to that point. I want to get to the place where literally everything in focus is what God leads me to. I do not want to face fear alone because of the strength and courage of Christ. I do not want to back down from anything for possibility of danger or even worse….death. I don’t know. I just believe, that deep down, this year and last- are preparing me for the years to follow. The hard years. I’ve been struggling financially. I’ve been injured and sick in more ways than ever before. I have never felt more alone than now. I have never been more discontent than now. I feel that all of this, everything I have been dealing with is preparing me for the coming years of hard ministry in foreign countries. Not countries where you can speak the name of Christ and be done with it. But countries that speaking the name of Christ gets your stoned or killed. Counties that bring threat of bombings. Countries that kidnap American women for sex trafficking. Countries that kill anyone that speaks truth in any way. These are the areas that I feel I will soon be approaching.

I need to get to that point where danger is never my focus. Safety is never my focus. My ministry must be, at all times, my priority, even if unto death.


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i hate when there are these deep desires within your being that penetrate everything you. they rest at your core. you are empty without them. that is me. this one thing, more than anything, i desire. without it i feel empty and broken. i am not talking about God. yes he is my everything and my first love, but what i talk about is not a spiritual love or desire, but rather a human desire. i think about this daily…it consumes me. the more it lacks from my life, the greater my desire becomes. i can’t explain it but something inside me refuses to let go…

Presidential Elections 2008—i am disgusted

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I am so disappointed with the reactions because of the election.
Okay yes Obama won and McCain lost. Let me explain how my evening went
on a Christian university campus:

I was sitting in my dorm room writing a paper, not watching the
election info. This was a little before 11 pm. All of a sudden I heard
a roar break out outside my building. To my surprise I walked out of my
dorm room to find Obama supporters and McCain supporters screaming. The
Obama fans were cheering in joy and praise while the McCain supporters
were responding saying Obama is the anti-christ, etc. Okay seriously.
Did that really happen? Noise like crazy. Now mind you I am an RA on
campus therefore things involving noise past 11 pm I have to deal with.
I thought it was something simple. I began to ask people politely to
quite down. I was not focusing my attention on one group of supporters.
Soon enough most of the RAs around campus had to begin to walk around
calming people. For over two hours I asked people to respectively cheer
[or mourn for the McCain supporters] to find other places away from the
dorms.

This is where I am angry and disappointed at students at Southeastern
University, BOTH Obama and McCain supporters!!! So-called christian
students slander another individual saying he is the anti-christ
however that is arrogant and self-righteous. I heard so much talk about
McCain being the godly man and Obama being the devil that I felt sick.
But it got worse. In my process of asking people to calm down, a
certain group of African-American individuals felt the need to slander
me. Now I am no racist. I am anything but a racist. I have friends of
every race and ethnic group! I never once mentioned or implied my
political status or the like, however this group of African-American
individuals felt the need to call me a Nigger Hater [sorry for the
language!]. Tell me that wasn’t a racist comment by them?! They
continued to say that if McCain won we [the RAs] wouldn’t be doing
anything about the noise. Yeah so how could they make that claim
without me ever stating my beliefs to begin with?

So here is what I think. Southeastern University, as well as the
church, is divided and ungodly. The fact that Jesus stood for order and
unity yet we can’t even act like Christians without division?! Really!?
I am sick to my stomach right now because of the things, the words, the
actions, that I saw on a campus that is supposed to represent God. I
don’t care if you voted Democratic, Republican, or third party-
REPRESENT GOD BEFORE POLITICS! We as the church wonder or play the
blame game as to why our nation is the way it is. Here is my answer: we
have failed our nation by representing ourselves instead of God.

So now we have a new president. Congrats! Really I do mean that because
I feel that the man who won is the person God intended to win because
it was right. Right doesn’t always mean godly, good, or anything else.
And I don’t mean that to say anything against Obama either. Mainly I
wanted to point out that FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS we have President
Obama. We may not be able to know what God is doing but there is
something we can do. Prayer is powerful. If you voted for Obama then
congrats. If you voted for McCain then oh well. Regardless of your
political stance, prayer for your leaders and those established in
authority is Biblical. If you want change in either way, PRAY FOR IT!
God now just asks for obedience from His body, however dis unified it
might be, to take a call to prayer. I leave you with this:

II Chronicles 7:14
“If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and
pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear
from Heaven and I will forgive their sin and I will heal their land.”

[Oh and no political debate on what you believe regarding McCain vs. Obama- I will delete it]

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three months have flown by since i first got home for the summer. i have such mixed emotions about this summer and about leaving. its hard. i am at a place in my life where i have never been happier. God has been so great. i have some of the best friends i could ask for…its a blessing really because i don’t deserve them. i am finally seeing my church in a state of hunger and thirst for God, after years of it being dead. i finally know what it feels like to have a boyfriend- now five months into it, i am so thankful. over the years i was angry a lot because i was never chosen or asked out by guys. finally i have an incredible guy, without him i wouldnt be this happy. its a surreal feeling. but next week it all changes. i am going back to florida for the third year to devote all my time an energy into my jobs and school…really not much else. i have to leave my church that i love, my friends that i adore, and my boyfriend that i can’t stop thinking about. i know its part of the college life and its only for a time.

but its a weird feeling. two years ago i hated being home. i hated everything about and i never cared to come back. i was bitter and angry about a lot. in two years God has really shown me a lot. i appreciate everything and everyone so much more now. God has taught me a lot about his plan. now two years later, though i love my school and my friends there, i love being here. its the simple things now that i am scared to give up. i am simply scared about everything. i am going to be a leader at school this following year. its crucial that i let God lead me in everything at all times. i am scared that distance will cause problems with my boyfriend back home. i am scared that my friends back home will forget about me in the midst of their schedules and planning of their lives- theirs weddings, their futures. i am scared because i graduate college soon and still need so much direction for my life. i am scared that i am unready about a lot. fear is everything right now for me.

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“i let go of all my lust
i let go of my pride
i let go of all my bitterness
and all the things i hide

i let go of all my pain
i let go of the fame in my name
and i find myself, find myself in you”

this song speaks wonders to me. so often i let other things distract me. so often i allow all that i am take away from all that i could try to be- my potential is completely hindered when i allow these things to come in. when i lust, i take away from the image of God my perverting it. with pride i think of my self better than others, with really no reason at all. bitterness creeps in and takes over and destroys. i hide things all the time. my pain consumes me and all i can do is think about it. sometimes i like myself, “my” life too much. but when i get off that pedestal of some crazy superiority i will find all that i am, all that i can be in God, in my saviour. its a hard realization to handle. mostly, we all fail at this but we need to try to let go of all that we are and let God take over. I LET GO…OF ME!

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I don’t even know what else to say. I don’t have any words. I am broken. I am confuse. I am at a complete loss. Everything I have thought of to this point or believed, has been thrown down and broken- shattered.

God where do I go from here? What am I supposed to believe? What am I supposed to do?